Waiting and anticipating, and curbing my feelings...everything I experienced was beyond my thinking. In a moment like this, I am scared and excilerated at the same time. I have been around friends and acquaintances who claim to want certain things, and I have seen how we all can talk ourselves out of our goals because we are more afraid of losing what we are yet to work for. I deliberately write this tonight so that I have the strength of my conviction. I fought this man. I felt so much and I was so afraid and I am still filled with fear because I have no idea what can happen. But equally, I am much more buoyed by the fact that walking away again would leave me forever tormented. I would even say that what is happening to me isn't even really about him at all, because I am not making any claims or having any expectations. I don't think that I have ever gone into a relationship with less baggage than I have now. When I state less baggage, what I mean is the assurances that I always felt necessary to have, which is a great deal of time getting to know the person and using that as a gauge to move forward. I am devoid of that, and it doesn't interest me to size him up in that way. In fact, I now find that meeting him with all of that artifice is so extraneous! I can see clearly how doing that can impact liking someone. We both arrive with our guards up, our experiences in a duffle bag as if we are heading to a boxing ring and not towards the love we seek. What I am looking at now is the next steps that I feel...not the ones I'd usually plan. I have work to make, things to do, then we shall connect again in April. Or perhaps sooner. But, again, I am just in a haze of sensations. I don't feel the usual things...the ok, lets text and hold hands. That isn't it. The organic nature of the thing is what interests me. I desire to let it flow.