closer

A few days ago I was thinking about an obscure topic and today on Yahoo, I saw the said information as news. When this sort of thing happens it always makes me stop for a moment and goosebumps to play along my arms. What does it mean? Is it a coincidence? Or is it that I am in synch with the invisible energies around me? I am inclined to assume the latter to be so. What can be done with such a connection? Is it that like the Buddhist Monks, I am to be still and to listen? Perhaps. Also it may be that I am to let go of pre-conceived notions or more accurately control of any situation that I feel I have a handle on...for a moment I must be quiet and observe what else is going on in the world...mainly that of something other than the layer of human attention seeking, hustle and bustle and demands made on self and others. That is but an inevitable layer. There is an undercurrent. Something that may be the collective consciousness. It may be the din of all of our energies constantly coalescing. It may be higher, purer thought because it seems to catch other actions elsewhere in the moment and define or strengthen it....almost as though one were a fortune teller. But its just that it is a fortune teller of trivia. That came to mind, or a person came into your thoughts and they call a moment later. Is it a sort of millisecond time travel? Whatever it is,observing it is always refreshingly tantalizing. I am even beginning to wonder whether it is a subconscious bank of not only energy but language as well...a fount of left over inclinations, ideas, whims. lost plans or forgotten sentences, some left unfinished that now need closure? Languages echo...or ghosts?

acceptance

After ranting about being unfairly treated the other day, I had a good rest and then contemplated on everything again and concluded that I had to accept responsibility for it. Tonight, I want to expand on what I now know. I must state that ever since I can remember my attitude to money was formed by some pivotal issues that happened in childhood. From the Nun who cheated me of my allowance money to yet another one asking me to do a project for the school and not compensating me in any way....some patterns are appearing...I now see it in my high school years of not getting an allowance and having to find ways to get the things that I wanted by constantly manipulating one parent against the other. Then in college where I was very frugal and then the world of work where I began not being paid what I was worth for a few years before finally being compensated as I should have been, only to get divorced and faced with compromising with my present job. It has clearly not gone as it should. Along the way I have had one belief about money and experienced something other than my expectations. Now it has not always been terrible. I have ad some great moments, no doubt about it. But now, I see that I have to take a look at what I was not doing for my best interest. In this case, I happened to have stated that I just wanted to meet my obligations with this project, and it has come to be exactly that. If I could set my mind to such a small goal, imagine what I could do if I set my mind toward better! I have done it many times, and I am very capable. In the past I have let fear, doubt and a host of distractions rob me of my best. I have also seen my strengths whisk me into better places and experiences as well, thank god for that. ...... So no more being lame with my needs. As I said to my partner years ago, what are you saving all of your energy for? BE TRUE TO YOURSELF IN THE MOMENT, ENJOY YOUR LIFE. STOP WAITING FOR WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO PROMPT YOU TO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. That used to drive me crazy with him. I felt that he was holding himself back. ......Now it is my turn to give myself a proper shake-up, and no, I am not writing in two's tonight.

I post in 2's

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variety and the spice of life shtick

Well yesterday I was everything but zen. I was in a rage about a professional I know who hired me for a job and from the start I could see that she was on games. But I didn't want to tar her with a full brush because I have worked with her in the past, she is an older person, and she has always usually been very reasonable and trustworthy in the past. This time around, she withheld information, got me to consider giving her a discount on the premise that...(a) they had no money, no real proper budget. (b) They (she) could only afford to do one of the two things requested. (c) Could I do it for a nominal cost because she had an extremely short deadline. Now as I write this, I know that a bit of tis is my fault. i got completely shistered because I thought she was an honest person, I wanted to do the job and I believed that she was really desperate to get it done and would be on the up and up. Damn! I am pissed because after I agreed to do the literally today for tomorrow work, I then found out indirectly that she palmed off another aspect of the project to someone else...meaning that there was a budget in place after all, and she was just trying to soft soap me. Such a nasty business. I railed at myself for a good hour and then I get my ass up and went for a vigorous walk. In so doing I was able to look at the whole thing anew. I saw something about myself that I have to work on. It was not easy to admit to myself. But I was largely at fault. I chose to be 'helpful.' Although I stood my ground and got the job at a figure I could work with, I did not get the job at the figure it was really worth. I think that this is a wake-up call to me. I used to say that I do not work for less than a certain amount an hour. I must now restructure my prices. I believe that what must justify a job is based on a few factors that I have not taken into account in the past. Rush jobs are NOT less expensive jobs. They MUST be more expensive because of the fact that I pull all nighters. With that job, I worked 24 hours straight. No kidding around, I think I just had a glass of water and a cup of coffee as I raced to complete the task. Also, when I do more than is required, everything must be worked out in a way where it is damn clear that the client can't weasel out of what it costs to put everything together. But most of all, when I make up my new costs, I must also go back to my old practice of half up front, particularly for rush jobs.No exceptions.

How do I reconcile the need to fall to earth? It seems almost too much to be so weightless. The want...wanting to control comes back with a rush...but ha,ha,ha...what I see is the illusion of that too. It is not any more real than anything else. L O V E ............. The Beatles sang it right. ............ All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. ............. Simple. Yet so damn hard to grasp? Why? Because it is not to be grasped. it is to work through you like mist. ............. While I can, I want to sit in this feeling, embody it completely for as long as I can. I see why meditation is key. .............

applying clarity

So how do I keep on this plain? How do I continue to acknowledge that I am God? I saw also tonight that I had to journey to the core of what hurts. I saw that it is an illusion. It feels very, very real, but I could actually see myself observing what I named as the hurt. I could see that it is just a construct. if I could literally make it as an object I would see it as a sort of vehicle that has a steel frame, wheels, an engine and lots of glass that reflects all manner of iridescent light that can appear dark and obscure from the outside, but from the inside I could see the outside world clearly. The ego has a lot to play in all of that. One must observe how one feels at such a moment. Is the breath normal? Am I anxious? Am I demanding something more from my experiences? What is it too me? This moment that I am embodying? As I sit and ponder, I can see myself inside the language of the hold of the past and the expectations of the future. But I can also see beyond even my limited understanding of my existence...to things that I have no language for, and i am actually enthralled and relieved to have no language...to go beyond my limited self...the person needing to be anchored by language. For just one precious moment...I have no expectations. ....... I have my breath ...... I have nothing to forgive I have nothing to forget I have nothing to do I have no one to please ..... I am just embodying the breath ..... I don't want anything I don't need anything ..... I am at peace I am at rest ......

exceptional moments of clarity

I am presently having one of those existential moments that I am extremely happy about as I feel it and anxious to get everything here on paper before the mood passes.A rush has come over me like a huge cumulus cloud. It is an awareness that feels almost physical of the power of love as the source of everything that I do. I was speaking to my daughter because I sent a message via her to her father about her education and his response was as usual, nasty and mean spirited...and I have been for some time just dismissing his actions because I do not engage him anymore, so I am able to ignore and dismiss what he does. So tonight, she tells me what he said and I reply that I want her to tell him thank you and have a good night. What that did interestingly enough was literally open my heart. i felt tangibly the fact that as challenging as it may appear at first,it is imperative that I do the very opposite of what I used to be inclined to do...which is to react in equal measure to him. I cannot react like him. i am not him. I am not going through what he is going through and I cannot and should not meet him at his worst. By sending out the very best 'vibe' or emotion with greatest sincerity to him, I literally drink from the well of my own "well'being. When I see that all is genuine in my heart, I cannot be hurt and distressed by what someone wants me to share because they are unhappy. I have the opportunity to instead bring them along with me to a beter place, if even it is only in my own imagination. I used to wonder how I could be feeling so much conflicting feelings for someone and consider that they are probably not even considering me as I focus on what they (made) me feel. It is a hell of a thing that might make you just feel defeated. But if you look at it from a slightly different perspective then the message is deeply valuable. It really does not matter whether the other person has you in mind or not. What is clear is that it is always you in your mind. It is you either saying that you believe in yourself or reject yourself. it is never about the other person. So you can sit and believe that this person or that person has it out for you, wished you ill...it really doesn't matter.....and that word, matter is such a powerful one. The matter...what's the matter? I kinda want to laugh now that I see it. I am always creating 'matter'. If only I could stick to the love. Love is the matter that 'matters' most. ................... To actually surrender to L O V E is so much more than the literal belief system. It is a surrender to self and all of the pollution of thought that keeps me from moving forward in the moment. Every time that I am willing to embrace the things that distract me from my highest thoughts, I am stepping back into the illusion that I cannot be amazing. I cannot actually reach for the very best in me. ................... I saw it so beautifully tonight. If I acted as I used to do in the past I would have missed the gossemer yet steel induced power of dismissing the illusion out of hand and acknowledging the clouds that say to me that everything is perfect, simple and perfect and I don't have to be stressing and forcing anything in my life EVER again. .................... The attempt to even hold onto the thought cannot happen...and I have come here and to my diary hundreds of times trying to express this very thought, many times before. It is not to be captured. It is innate.No person or thing is to be coralled. No issue or circumstances is to be worried over and get into your system and create anxiety and fear. All of the tools are within. It isn;t something to rush out and convince anyone of either. Be still and KNOW that You are God as a dear friend says all of the time. Everything is happening in the right time without any effort from you. You can pluck from that vast storehouse or you can go on worrying about every moment. ..................... The funny thing is that the mind would say, that's all fine and dandy but it doesn't pay the bills.What's funny though is that if you really look at it...you should ask yourself, can you imagine yourself moving in a mindset of everything resolved in perfect order? Can you imagine yourself sans challenges that twist you up in knots? Wouldn't you like to be able to free yourself of such toxic experiences? of course you would and you would find the money to do it too. So how come it is so difficult to seperate yourself from those negative beliefs that keep giving you more of the same results? .................... Tonight, that simple act with my daughter, i saw it plainly. I could go down his rabbit hole and join the familiar poison or I could resonate at a higher frequency where shaking off the familiarly negative could only bring me peace and that is way better forever!.

always contemplating

This morning when I awoke, I remembered a conversation had with someone about the impression I made a decade ago. I was surprised and embarrassed by the way that the person gushed about me. Embarrassed because I couldn't help thinking that if I had known that I made such an impression, I would be so much better off. Today I consider that and use it as I move forward every day. Thinking about myself ten years ago, I run my mind over all of the challenges. I don't run my mind over all of the great moments, to the point where I may find myself saying, what great moments? But of course I had them. I believe that the best thing that I have done in the most recent years is to re-organize the way that I view the negative that has bombarded me. I cannot remember when I did it, but I believe that I wrote about it here online, where I decided that I was going to challenge all of my negative thoughts and get to a place where I would start to consider bigger thoughts, bigger goals. That has been exactly the right attitude to have, and I gain from it all of the time. Now that I am on the threshold of uncharted territory, I am directly looking at one of my biggest challenges to date, and that is the old belief that no matter how much I may be inclined to plan, nothing goes to plan. Usually, that sort of contemplation would just get me upset with myself. But now, I am fascinated by the idea of being propelled forward by my own efforts. My efforts are now buoying me up and I am not so fixated on fear as I have been for forty years. Fear and failure are inevitable. The point is to move past it, see it, confront it and continue to proceed to where you want to go. Now, when I do what I started to do with this post, to contemplate the past and ask whether I have the pluck to take from the best as I go into something new,I feel freer. Everyone pays for their choices. If your married, you may glance at those who are not and believe that they may have more opportunities than you may have. Those who are single may feel the pull to those with families. I have looked at the latter sometimes, thinking that somehow I am untethered and thus broken. It is a funny thing.Such thoughts can really stall you. But I am up for the adventure. If I choose the red pill over the blue pill, I have a good attitude about life, and ultimately that is the greatest success.

Layers

A friend called me today and we had the sort of conversation that is helpful in showing me how much I have grown and how much I have done. The person is now dealing with the fallout of divorce because it is impacting their health. My heart skips a beat at everything that was said, it knows that I have been over that ground and have toiled every step of the way to come to terms with the things that I feel have hurt me to the quick. I let her know that feelings of anger and sadness, hurt and despair are not to be avoided. On the contrary, they are to be encouraged and confronted. Once you make friends with what feels best to avoid, and you engage it, asking its purpose and listening to what it has come to say, you can dissect it and most of all, send it on its way with the tools you need to prepare for the next time.