how it is coming along

There was a breakthrough for me when I was looking in an old diary for something and in that book I happened to have about four passport photographs of myself over a period of time. Within that I saw something in myself that has always been there but I never really acknowledged within myself. I have some first nation blood, and I saw it and felt a sense of my ancestors so crucially...and within that I found a kind of peace. I just felt the need to be gentler with myself. That provided the 'in' for me to start to say, hmmm, what about a bit of a make over? What about being seen again? I have felt myself in the contradictory space of coming forward slightly only to retreat because of the way I think things are and feel I need to be.There are just these moments that are like darker underlines in a language of sameness. It comforted me when I did not know I could find myself there.

living in the fantasy

This weekend I did some socialising, meaning going out to the green market with a friend and today, visiting friends who are involved in a creative/environmental/ngo. I have not gone to a meeting in an age and a day, so when the creator insisted I come and also that he'd pick me up, I decided to go. Everything baout today was idyllic, really special. From entering their open house to listening to music very familiar from my childhood, because my firneds dad died last year and he has all of his records. The home is like the ones I remember from my childhood as well. particularly my parents house, so this means filled with bookcases and African sculpture, paintings and sculpture, comfortable couches and Scandanavian furniture and of course tropical plants. It just felt like a huge hug. We had brunch and the conversations were meaningful and lively. When we finally left, we spied my friend from the day before at another friends new business. Hers is a cottage industry where her focus is sustainability and we saw some old friends and stopped and had vegan chocolate cake and another rousing conversation. It was just lovely.

s i l e n t

Some really subtle yet amazing things happened today. One of them was based on something I was doing last week. I have built a book for myself of my work to keep better records of the things that I have been making and have sold. There was an image that I needed and I was wondering how I would do it, because I know that the person gave it as a goft to a friend. Lo and behold, today the person posted an imae of it. I'd gone out to do some banking, banking that by the end of the year at least, I plan to work out so that I can just do things online. I do have online banking, but not for that particular bank, so I did what I had to do and I was walking to the supermarket afterwards and it came to me in such a beautiful way...an Eckhart Tolle-esque way.... how much you can just be quiet and focus on observing things come together that you put out to the universe. Then a fellow colleague of mine called me when I got home. We have not spoken in a very long time and just like that we are spending seventy-five minutes together on Whats App. Of the many things he mentioned, he stated that he looks at his life in ten year cycles. Something about that was very enlightening to me. He called me for the number of the person I have been doing a project with for the last three years. He also told me something anecdotal about one of the main characters of my research. A reminder to me that I also have two other 'book' concepts that I want to publish. I marvelled again at the way that communication was coming to me without any effort on my part. I actually love the poetry of it. It is elegant, seemless and definately better than I could do if I went after it. It is something that we all know, but just take for granted much of the time. I can also compare it to the early fighting skills (for Hollywood) done by Stephen Segal. He would fight his opponent based on observation and awareness of their balance. He would seem to not have to do much but wait for the opponent to strike and take advantage of their weak points that were naturally occuring when they moved. I see this energy as akin to that. I also got a car care class from the gentleman who came to check out the car to see what it needs before my sister and her best friend visit for five days next month. I shall continue to write about this, as it fascinates me. I cannot wait to see what shall happen next.

My sister told me that she'd met a Ukranian guy in 2003 and had liked him a great deal.But after awhile of going out she felt that the relationship may be too difficult and she felt a bit intimidated about it. I had never heard that story and it made me think about moments like that where you are faced with something that you know is good and find yourself getting in the way.Being afraid to do something because you don't want it to fail is just as bad as not doing anything. Every decision defines what you do next. Should you wear the black shoes with jeans? Should you eat cereal or have an energy drink? Some things you barely think about having any real impact. Others, you lament and literally pull your hair out at the root to solve. Feelings and hunches and intuition all come into play for the burning answer to these problems. Talking yourself out of joy is a whole other thing.

more thoughts on that thing

How can I pile on to what is already a difficult situation with my friend? How is it that one friendship has to come to an end when you feel abused and another that can be heading in that direction has to be remidied with what was learned from the last one? Should I just stop having conversations with her where she can speak into my life? That is an option. I did that with the last friend too. I just stopped voanteering anything about me, and she didn't even notice. She would go on and on about herself for most of the conversation. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? Am I the one noticing all of these tiny but to me, substantial things, because I am the difficult one? I went into a whole speal about my male friend and his affection. It is true that I have to do whatever I feel I must for my own self care. But what about getting so anticeptic that no one can enter my life? I really have to think about this situation that I see reaccuring again and again in my life.

set ups

I wonder whether we all give ourselves the issues we face pretty much like a game? I wrote about my problem solver friend in the last entry. I see that need to be right and fix things in her character, but there are also things that I see that I do not believe relate to me at all. None of us get out of our world alive and so we are all entangled in relationships of all kinds.I write about experiences, but what are my expectations? Should I even ever really have any? The only way to happiness according to the Buddha is to have no expectations, and that is very true. We are moved by our emotions and thus, our memories of what said emotions do or have done to us.Everything else is just constant analysis, entertainment and background noise. Who are we?

Say what?

Tonight I had an opportunity that in other circumstances I probably would not look upon quite this way. My friend whose husband I wrote about a few weeks ago, called me. I was working on something at the time, but I told her that I could multi-task. She got right into a number of subjects and then asked me about my project. Before I could really round out what it was all about, she drew a bunch of conclusions about it, me and the process...despite having no background in any of it. I found this quite amazing. But that was not the opportunity. I look at myelf as someone who loves to solve problems. This means that I also have a habit of listening to my friends and even aquaintances and offering my advice...unsolicited or not. I have been more and more aware that I do this and have done whatever I can to give advise only when asked or to offer only with a caveat. So listening to her tell me what I think, who I am and what I am about AGAIN, I saw why we connect. Seeing another 'problem solver' in action is astonishing to watch. If I come across that way, woebetides anyone who wants comfort.I clearly leave a bitter taste if my approach is anything like that. This 'opportunity' to see a character trait in someone else leaves me with so much to learn. My friend is by no means a bad person to know. The trait of not listening and problem solving every issue is simply a way that she controls her universe. We have been placed together for years with me wondering why I have always felt that I have to over compensate to talk with her. Also wondering why we have ended up being friendly at all? Coming across that way, I view it for myself as part of my empathetic nature. Hers comes across as bossy and self opinionated. Lol. It may all be the same in the wash. I now see it as a cautionary tale for me. I see the chance to temper my self discovery further and to use mindfulness when I speak. So I am very appreciative of what happened.

fresh eyes

My friend has returned home and overall the time spent with him as always was both refreshing and insightful. He has been so grateful for things that my family and myself have done for him, that he always talks about it. This makes us feel a bit uncomfortable as what we think we have done are things that we would naturally do for anyone. That aside,I discussed how awkward I felt this time with him, and have given it some further thought. I have come to realise from where his desire to be so forward comes from and I am surprised a bit by my revelation. He is happily married, but his wife's family have never been warm and embracing to him. My ex husband has taken that rejection to an extreme, but with my friend, I can now see how that manifests itself. We all feel that we are accepting of such life blows. We soldier on and we do not try to dwell on it too much. However, in little and sometimes big ways that stifling and stuffing down of emotions can manifest in other ways and will demand to be seen. In my seeing, I must cut him some slack. This is a person who is amazing. He is kind, generous, funny, supportive, hard working and also, sad about the one or two things in life that would complete his feelings of success and joy and he just cannot have that one little simple thing. I get it. It is really challenging to know in your heart that things can be so much better if little things shift into place. Things that can easily be achieved if the other person would see with fresh eyes. You wait forever and in the waiting you shrink a little bit every time. I relate oh so much to that. It is a difficult situation at best. Even when you give it up, you wonder about the what ifs. Eventually you come to terms with it only be moving on with other concerns and eventually it seems like a sailing ship in the far distance, you are aware of it and you remember.

drink water and mind your business

Last evening I was unaware that my friend was visiting us when he was. I was in another part of the house when I decided to venture into the kitchen. For a split second I saw only his shirt and my mind instantly thought of my fatther. My mind literally went into a tailspin in a fraction of a second, trying to reconcile the fact that it was clearly not my dad sitting in his usual place. It was so weird.I experienced 'cognative dissonance'I knew that it could not be my dad, knew that he is not alive, yet wanted to think about it nonetheless.My heart was racing while my mind was acknowledging who was actually sitting in the chair. What a moment. Recently I have actually been considering the possibiities of something or thngs coming our way in the near future dealing with us as a world not knowing the possibilities until it happens....like teleportation or invisibility...both absolutely impossible. But then, equally, every time a step is taken forward , many are taken back. Who could have foreseen the situation between Russia and Ukraine right now? Situatoins like that one make you wonder about the working of the world. What else is being produced here? Who is benefiting as people lose their lives, lives lost every moment of every day.