the void or avoid

This lack of belief or confidence or whatever it is that creeps up on me as a mascot for failure that I accept as fact has worn me down. I know all too well that thinking on what isn;t working only continues to give you more of the same. But this morning, I want to turn around and fight that monster and kill it for good! I have a dear relative whom I am fortunate to see this similar architype in. I have seen her tie herself in knots to make decisions.I have seen her be wishy washy and taken advantage of. She is the most beautiful, kind and wonderful person I know, and I can see from her that when she is in her moments where people ...including me, are not leaning on her for support. she can flourish. It is her very supportive ways that do her in every time. It is her wanting to be agreeable, wanting to help, wanting to please others that gets her in a place where she has to forego being herself. I see it becuase that tantrum I mentioned before had a lot to do with me overextending myself yet again. I can't seem to find one thing to pursue, excel at and be richly rewarded. My mind starts out with one task and then I splinter off into many directions trying to be all things to all people and mastering none. I have even found that sometimes I want to quit a conversation in the middle. Not because I know what the other person is going to say...but because what I am going to say is so shallow and stupid! What I mean by that is, I am paying lip service to a conversation that brings no solution to the topic...no change for the better...It is just me making small talk...even if I do have solutions I know that they are not going anywhere because the other person isn't going to make any adjustments either! Now to be fair to myself...I do think about ways I can take steps that I discuss. I do. I do try! I do splinter myself off to ponder and even act. But I splinter myself off so much that I also get nowhere because my efforts are only from me...so I really don't see any reward, any improvements after all my posturing! Now that is a hopeless statement I am giving about myself. But perhaps I should confront it. I do all of these things, thinking that I am making a good difference. But I am no better off for it. The hole that I am digging here is falling back on my head...I may be going too deep in the wrong direction...but this morning I want to peel back all the layers of this onion and get to the bottom of what is going on with me. So this is now....PART FOUR