clarity is the morning
The clear headedness of the morning has me feeling energized. I am listening to myself this morning, and feeling much happier with myself.
What I am getting is this...
This is about you. Make the life that you want for yourself and stop thinking about the things outside of yourself that you cannot and frankly should not control.
This week I think that I shall take my little sweety~pie and have a picnic at the end of the street, under the big tree.
~
I feel much better.
~
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
remember . . . you choose what you want to experience at all times.
that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.
She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.
"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.
I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.
I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!
I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.
I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!
It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!
I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!
When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!
I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?
Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!
I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.
that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.
She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.
"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.
I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.
I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!
I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.
I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!
It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!
I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!
When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!
I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?
Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!
I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.
Friday, October 31, 2008
curioser...is life
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
what I have learnt so far
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Grateful
I am grateful for life,
grateful for the hugs of my little one
her smile, her cries, her no! I will not.
I am grateful for my work,
my energy,
my experience.
My plans
my dreams
my future before me...
I am grateful to have known real love
when it felt so strong that I felt that I needed nothing more in my life
I am grateful that I have more feelings of happiness than sad
I am grateful for my family and friends
I am grateful for myself as my first friend
It is so easy to forget just how much more there is to be happy and moreso
thankful for.
thankful
full
fullfilled.
grateful.
and further more.....
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
money,money, money
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
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