energy

There is something to be said about the day. It began one way and ended so unexpectedly. I do not know whether it is just a moment? If it is, I savor it. What a moment. After writing at length about my disappointment with my gentleman whom I shall now call frequent flyer because I forgot what I have called him before, I was so upset with him weeks ago, regarding the Skype conversation.
Then tonight, I was multi-tasking. I was online, on my I-Pad and had Fifty Shades Darker by E.L.James open while listening to music and lo and behold, I get a message from him.
I never expected the level of romanticism from this man. He had a whole fantasy planned out in his mind and he told me all about it. I could not believe it. He just let it all out, and I felt so awed by it all. it was delightful, delicious....I loved every moment of what he revealed to me.

My ex husband has let the other shoe drop. He has served me papers for full custody of our child. I half expected that he was up to something, but I had hoped that he would somehow see reason and use other tactics.Now that he has shown his hand, he now puts me in a position where this case will take up time and financial resources. He is basically being a nuisance. However, today is also the second anniversary of the death of my closest friend. For a moment that is much more important to think about. He has come to my thoughts as he has every day since his death. I miss my darling. I miss him very much.

Life is so very interesting. From one week to another, so many things can happen.
My almost tryst has been sending me emotacons and trying to test the waters with me. Depending on how I feel, I shall just let him know what happened, if he chooses to be thick about it.
Then the other person has also been sending me texts and calling, and the most interesting thing is that some very important information that impacts his business fell into my lap completely by surprise.
When I was told, my fingers raced across my phone in seconds, it was that serious. How it came to me in itself was very unexpected.

My schedule has finally slackened a bit, so I can finally breathe out a bit and do some very important things for myself.
I have not been successful in really reducing the things I have to do. I am as busy as ever, and even with my workload reduced, I still have enough to take up all of my time.

I am looking forward to making the things that I am setting out to make and doing the projects that I know will be the start of exciting things to come.

For the last few days I have thought quite a bit on what happened with both men. every cliche in the book seems to have been achieved. They both omitted information and both expected that they could just go on with business as usual.having experienced that, despite myself, I wonder about my own standards. Yet, these have been men who have been in my life for a very long time, so this is more about my own personal growth and the simple fact that I believed something at one point that I no longer believe as I move toward where I really want to be. That is really at the crux of the matter, and I am also wondering about my next move. At my age the cliche divorcee does not appeal to me. The dating scene does not either? The person suited for me may come along, who knows? I do know that there are enough things taking up my time to not have me feel like I need to worry about it too much. But I admit that there are moments when I would like to know that there is someone in my personal life. What these last two weeks makes me wonder is whether I may have been unclear myself about what I wanted to experience? I do not think so? Although I was relieved in both instances, at the way things went. I would not have liked to have taken either issue further and felt that it was all a farce. I think that I knew deep down that I did not want either thing in the bigger scheme of things. Both suggested a great deal of adjustment down the road that could not be guaranteed. I do not know whether it is that these men just have fantasies and are actually unwilling or afraid to act on them? I cannot say? I believed most of what they said to me, and what they implied, and what I did not believe, I confronted head on. I also believed that they do see my friendship as important. I think that neither of them is in a really good place right now, and I am a dangerous distraction, so I have taken myself out of the equation. They have both shown me a bit about my own value. They have reminded me that I am attractive beyond my own beliefs, I have much in my person to be proud of, and they did and do show me love in their own ways. Have much for which to be grateful. They are lovely men when I come right down to it, but at this time, neither suit what I really do want. They are not really free, and even if they were, neither may be right for me. Knowing this already, is a good thing for me.

Perspective is an amazing thing. I have had certain views about two men I have known for more than a decade, and now I feel differently about it all. This came about because they chose to say something to me that clued in to their motives.At this time I believe that both know that they have screwed up, and today I dealt with both of them in different ways. One I ignored and the other, I kept to professional conversation. I plan to stay that way. I was really disappointed with him. He really had me believing that we could get together. I had put having any feelings for him behind me, and he encouraged me to think that we were actually building something together, just repeating that makes me feel I'll! Ugh. Now that I am annoyed, I have no patience, as both are acting as though nothing of any great consequence has occurred. But I would prefer and should talk about what this revelation means to me now. I have to admit that a weight has been taken from me. I had no idea the amount of energy I was giving to supposition. my desire right now is to focus on things that I want to do. Last night as I gave thought to my day, which was spent preparing and supporting my mom as she helped a friend celebrate their hundredth birthday....I got a clear idea for the long suffering project that I was working on. I also have a few outstanding things to complete and to focus on creating my own work. All of this has me excited, and that is way more important to me than anything else.

My feelings today was such that I am appreciative of what I had written in my last entry. Over the last few months I have had some lovely talks online with someone I have liked for more than a decade. he has made me feel that the interest is mutual, and he has been my friend in the sincerest way, so I am not perturbed that this situation is not genuine. However, I am upset because he had put to me that we needed to meet, and he said this to me last year. With what I thought was the best intentions to make good on this decision. He has since not been able to meet these words spoken to me. It prooved so concerning to me at one point because I had made a gift for him that had to be printed, and I had gone out of my way to do so some time ago. Then lately I was looking for a box to put his gift in. Anyway, this time he surprised me and said that he would be here, and then he mentioned that he would be coming on business with his brother. Ok, so he was not coming to see me. This was no big deal, he always makes the time to see me anyway. He asks me to find out some information about a place to hold his meeting and despite my exhaustion from a week of intense work, I press my neighbor into doing a favor for me.(I never ask her, and she always asks me...so I was able to get her to do it) and she likes him a great deal, so she finds out the information for me, which I get to him. Then, bam, he cannot make it. So I deduce that he would be where he is for a few days longer and I ask him some leading questions to see where he is standing. His replies suggest to me that he is either distracted or I am very mistaken about where I stand with him. He then makes this clearer to me when he starts complaining about his wife searching through his phone...again. Hello. You told me that you had separated and that you had moved out. I felt so stupid. So very stupid! Then so angry that I ever took on anything that he had said to me. I appreciate it though, because I could have found myself really set up. So it is indeed for the best.

Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.