When the ball is in

After all of my writing yesterday, I spent some time going over some work with my neighbor who gave me some excellent advice on my situation with my ex-husband. We spoke until quite early in the morning. I have helped her with many issues and now she has helped me in return. Then,this morning, as I stated, I sent a note to frequent flyer and he responded right away. He was not only willing to speak with me head on about my feelings, he called me, instead of Skyping. We still have some other things to talk about, but he greatly put my mind at rest. Then tonight exbf called me. I know that my entries are probably sounding like bad soap opera, but this is indeed what happened....he wanted me to just listen to him. He told me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me as a friend. He was hurt by my stating that he had threatened me. He did not think that he had done that. I explained that I saw it that way because of my own experiences. I react badly or I should say, with heightened awareness now when any man comes at me, reminding me of a stance in the vein of my ex-husband. I automatically get into combat mode and cut that person off at the knees. What exbf said was extremely touching, he even cried. I know him to be sentimental, but I do not recall him ever actually getting as emotional as his words to me tonight. I was definitely moved. Exbf means the world to me. But I have to stay the course. I feel completely wonderful in every way with him. But he is not free. I entered into a quasi-half flirty...half-fling with him because he guaranteed me that he was separating and that he and his wife had no intimate relationship. We are such good friends that it did not seem unusual to hang out and to talk about all manner of things and to be playful and a bit affectionate. But now it is building and building and I do not want to go to somewhere where my chances of return are not assured in tact. I do not know whether exbf is the person for me, but I would say that if he were, then I should not need to ask that question. We have an amazing chemistry. We never stay upset with the other for any length of time. He cares about me, really shows his love and support....but, he is not free, single and disengaged. What a difference this is, from one day to the next. In a way, my situation may be considered lucky. Two wonderful men, who are really special in their own rights. If I could suspend time, what would I really do? Would I give them both a chance? Would I share myself with them? Would I be wanting to be a polygamous woman? Would they agree to being my husbands? Hmmmm? I think that I should fall asleep with that one on my mind.

And another thing....

I just thought that I would read over some entries from the year, and I am quite surprised at how much time I have spent writing about frequent flyer! I really put a great deal of thought into understanding how I feel and how he has affected me. The talk is definitely something that I must do as soon as possible.

Curious...er and curious...er

How did I guess? When it rains, it pours. Frequent flyer contacted me today...acted like no time had passed and like everything is everything. I decided that I would behave the same way as well, as to me, we are still and will always be friends. But guess what? Somehow I felt a weird feeling after the fact. The feeling was that I am conscious of something more. Despite what I said and that I am doing. I still sense that I can get sucked into caring about him again. So this means that I will just have to have a chat with him. I have not really put my feelings out there, except when we flirt, and now I think that the fact that he put out there the possibility that it could have become more, I have every right to broach the topic. Then my first bf calls me tonight. He wants to go out with me. Of late I have been saying no. We have had lots of fun, and this is why I am saying no. I do not want to get any more comfortable with him than I have been. He has become a go to convenience, and I do not want a nearly booty call scenario. It makes no sense to me. I have not seen any improvements on his part, any real decision to move on, so I just decided to quit him. Literally. I thought that he understood, but tonight we had a bad moment, where he tried to exert some sort of power or something over me! I was not sure what he was trying, bringing up old times, insisting that something happened like twenty years ago where I asked him for sex! No such event took place! This is a head turner? I even asked him, if that actually happened, then what does that have to do with not wanting to go out tonight? He behaved like a petulant child. It is inevitable I suppose in relationships, for emotions to flare up. I know this, and I feel odd about both of these people tonight. I cannot continue either scenario. It is just not healthy for me. I do not see them amounting to much more than sexual frustration on my part, their part, whatever. I am doing what is best for me and feeling the spin off of such a choice. But I shall be well. I shall hold to what I know is the way I want things to be.

Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints. It is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about. -OSHA .......... The other night I was reading over some of the things that I have written here. I have to say that this site has been refreshing. I write all the time, and today is the day before our nations independence. I cannot help but wonder about my own independence in my world. To me, the evaluation begins in the mind. There are things that I of course want to achieve, and I am still in the process of getting there. My mind though, my thoughts about what I want, where I want to go, how I want to be remembered, all of this feels stronger to me, than where I had been before. Recently I made a decision about love and relationships. I also decided what I am going to do about my finances and my working. My offline writing and the programme that I am doing, have all assisted me in being open enough to get where I am now, and I know that when I look back again, I shall know that this was the year that I turned an important corner.

Wonky affair

I know that I go back and forth with this issue. God, I know it. But today I feel the other way again, and I want to write it here and I want to do my best to make it permanent for me. Frequent flyers birthday was yesterday, and he had had a bad day, lots of work, and we still managed to chat. Fine. Then today he gives me all of the details of his upset. It turns out that he had planned on spending time with his kids and miscalculated his vacation, so naturally he is out of sorts. Ok...all normal, and I would feel frustrated about that too. Here's my thing, what the hell am I doing? This man sends me too many mixed or I would even say complicated signals, and I just think that I should continue to be his friend and NOT expect anything else from him. I will feel much more comfortable doing that, and NO, it is not because I am afraid of commitment. It is because I cannot for the life of me tell what the hell he wants? Nor do I believe that I should try to understand it either, at this time. When I was in my twenties dating my soon to be husband, my father used to tell us that one of us had to have their head on their shoulders. I now understand this fully. Sure it would be nice to have this man's love, affection and attention. But suppose he cannot actually deliver anything I would like? I already do not get to see him in person, we have a virtual friendship, and that is nice. But he takes it further. I cannot even get an opportunity to have a proper long assed conversation with him, where I can iron out some of my misgivings, because when I can, one of us usually does not have the time. This is all very frustrating to me. I do not think that it is worth it. He is looking more and more to me like a once upon a time....and could have been...but it isn't now ...kind of issue. It won't hurt to stay friends. After all, he has given me no real sign that he is pursuing me, not truly....it's not like he has gone out of his way to buy me a plane ticket or booked a romantic weekend to be with me. So, there you have it. That is how I feel about whatever the hell this thing professed to be. It isn't the first time that I have drawn a line. But god, I hope that it is the last time. I cannot keep getting thrown into his path all of the time, wanting to think that it is something that it isn't. Other than a horny friend needing comfort, and for that, I will have to draw the line at friend. No perks.

Back and forth and back again

My particular circumstances, divorce, the loss of my closest friend and the change of my way of life, I sometimes feel acutely. I am not always aware of how much I have adjusted my expectations. But yesterday and today, I saw that in my conversations with Mr.World traveller First of all, I contacted him and just needed to hear from him. I did not want to discuss what was bothering me at first. This is because in the past it would be my closest friend who would hear all about what was going on with me. It was so weird that it felt like I was taking a leap of faith to unburden myself to someone whom I consider a really dear friend. We talk about all sorts of things, so why not move right along? So imagine my delight when he decided not to have me type it all, but literally called me and looked at me face to face. I was so pleased. Then today, the tables were turned and he wanted to get some thoughts off his mind and he called me. We might be mirroring the other. I see now that we have lots of ambivalence about our lives. We get up every day with the best intentions. But there is so much more to say, so much unsaid. More and more he reaches out to me, as a real friend. I do not push him though, it is a sensitive thing, to know that you are doing so very much and yet, you do not feel that you are doing nearly enough. Sometimes he feels so very close to me, in a romantic way, and then at other times, I feel that to get remotely close like that is just not that important. It is an interesting place to be. It shows me that I really care about him. I am not about to behave rashly. I think that one thing that I must do is to decide once and for all what he actually means to me and just leave it at that.

Elephant in the room

Finally I was able to put a dent on the question that I have been wanting to ask Mr. World traveller. I need to come up with a nickname for him and stick to it. Anyway, we has our usual wonderful, friendly and a bit flirty talk on Skype. Then he did me something that threw me off. I probably do the same thing to, I know that I certainly have done it in the past, so I am conscious of it. He went from flirty to friendly. Suddenly he says something so cute and PC that I feel as though he has left me out in the cold with the sensual statements and just wants to pull back to being friends. Now I have no right being anxious about that because, as I stated before, I am the queen of ambivalence when it comes to such things. But now that I am having it done to me,my first thought and second thought is to pull way, way back and observe what is going on. Anyway, I kick down my inhibitions and I ask the important question and he gets right into answering me. What bothers me with this man is how long we have been dancing around our feelings. It has been years! Every time I think that there may be something, something comes up. This time around, I feel the way I did the last time. I feel that I should just give up on the whole thing. From the conversation that we had,I feel badly for him. He is still at the beginning of where I was five years ago. I think that there may be some hope yet for his situation, although he may not think so. As long as they are working out staying in the same place, raising their children, I think that they have a shot, and I am much, much happier knowing that he can be made happier and that things can work out for him, than what I would like to experience with him. This is simply age and reason talking. I have nothing to gain by pushing this situation in any way, so I think that I should just relegate myself to good friend again. After all, that is what I am, and really, with all that he has to do, that is actually what I do have, and it is a lot. So, hear I go again, shutting down something that he riled up...again. But I know that it is for the best.