And now...on with the show

What the he'll do I really want? I was surprised the other day when I saw some writing that I did on my ideal man and realized that The Towers sounds exactly like the " ideal" that I listed. I am so frustrated with him! I got all spontaneous and spent a whole weekend with him, and we had a lovely time. Yet, now, a few days later I feel like I had Chinese food. I don't mean it to sound so bad! What I am trying to say is that I am having an experience with this person but trying to keep my head out of it. I am literally sort of being shallow because as I told him, he sends mixed signals. I do not know what to make of the whole thing. Sure I can play his game and call it nothing and just continue along this vague route, but to what end? How does something like this play out? Do I even want to play? What the hell is the point of such a thing anyway? Sure one can say, enjoy it now in the moment. I would like to be able to do that, but it makes me feel as though I'm being asked to be someone younger. Before him, I argued about my not seeming to want commitment. Now I am bitching about this situation. Sheesh! I may be the one at fault here. What messages am I sending as well?

I used to..

I created this blog with the intention of writing an online private diary. When I did it, I knew that it could be seen by the random viewer and I decided that in a way it was a compromise that I could live with. However, now I am finding myself hesitating to write my deepest feelings here and this bothers me. This is not what was supposed to happen here.I really need somewhere to acknowledge all of my insecurities, missteps, dirty little secrets and other neurosies. Now I feel like I have to pick and choose what I write because it may somehow compromise my anonymity, and that sucks big time. I want to experience and know all the facets of me, the good and the not so good. So I am going to try to move past this situation and keep to my initial intention, no matter what.

Some new opportunities are being presented to me. It means that I have to juggle things even more than usual, but this time around, I am being mindful to eat on time and also to find ways to get a few minutes for myself here and there. Three of the things shall begin in the next few weeks. This means making some schedules to be able to start them and then delegate things, because I cannot do it all by myself. Two of them are projects where I can involve students. The other one is a personal project that I have ventured to do many times before, but now seems as good a time as any to do it. I am very excited about all of this, as I make yet more plans for May and September. My main focus is asset building, as well as job creation. What has also been interesting is that today I was chatting with an old school friend and he got me to discuss yet another project of mine, an old one from many years ago, that I researched quite a bit, and then hit many snags and stopped. I have not forgotten that writing project. His making me discuss it got me very happy about it. I remembered all that I had done back then, and can see that the potential is still there. Later, as I visited the printery, the marketing rep asked me the name of my company....a nice sign! The nicest part of today has been knowing that I have these things happening and that I can see how they are to be done and the time is right to do them.

And so it goes...my very eventful week led to much introspection. I have been taking some things, like The Towers, too seriously. I do not have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I am familiar with dealing with things a particular way, and because this is different, I want to move at my pace. So that is what I am going to do. Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died, and there is much news, as would be expected on all of the stations about the life she led as prime minister of Great Britain. She is a reminder that tough decisions will not engender you to all people. You have to make strong decisions because they must be made. This was what I was confronted with last week. I cannot think too far ahead, when things might get quieter or seem to be back to a routine. This was someone who factored in my life for so very long. There was always a period of separation and then one of return, but now, as they could not adjust in so many ways and became addicted and careless, and I must say that there was some indulgence on mg part, one has to just suck it up, put on the big girl panties and focus exclusively on what does work. I will state here though that I feel sad about the whole thing, because it did not have to be this way, but as I have accused myself in the past of taking too long to make a shift in perspective, this is what happened here. If only the changes could have stuck. But there was something unusual about the last face to face meeting, it seemed that deep down something about what was to come was known. In many ways, this really needed to happen. It reminds me of my own ling term relationship. Things are not working, and no amount of counseling will work when two people have altered their expectations and could easily be alone quite happily without the other person. But this is not my call. It is what can be seen at this present time. Despite my decision, I will always care about what happened and what it all means to me. But I have to also put it behind me.

Most recently an old friendship ended for me. In many ways it was sort of inevitable. He was painting himself into an untenable situation for some time. It stings to have to be part of the drama, but it is necessary, because there was no place to go. So how do I feel about nearly being a home wrecker? Naturally I have been made to feel that his behavior was because I led him astray and he was pushed and forced into resuming friendship. I have learned much from this experience, I saw a glimpse of the person who seemed so much more mature and level headed on one hand, but then was also weak and spineless on another. I do not state that lightly, because I can understand why the posture, and that is why I wrote, painted into a corner. There is little else to say.

Perhaps, too much time... Swirling around in my head of late, is the action of "the Towers" that I spoke about yesterday. I know that my concerns can be dealt with with a conversation, and we both deserve to have it as soon as possible. Yet, I am still stubbornly clinging to wanting to be right. Hmmmm, that is saying alot here. So as usual I want to look at something that gets me deeply embarrassed. One reason he challenges my expectations comes from the fact that the typical things that one hears and expects when a man is interested, do not seem to come tripping off of his tongue naturally, if at all. He does not dole out affection....he seems certainly sex focused, but foreplay...seems to be something unusual in his repertoire? Now I do not know enough of him really, but this is how it seems so far to me. should I gettison any chance at something here, just because I have certain expectations? When there is much that I do like about him? My instinct throws a hussy fit instantly and says to me, if you like him so much, then just be friends....you have a headache...lol. .......................................................... Should I let myself off the hook so easily? This is about my expecting a certain kind of attention. I expect to be ...well, courted as it were. Let me see the very best of you. Is this the best of him that I am seeing? Perhaps? But then, he is the first person with whom I have gone out, and I do not think about it again, until we speak. I don't wonder about his day? Or think about what I would like to do with him at some point in the future on another date. There, I wrote it. I also do not really think that he is feeling anything special for me. If he was, wouldn't he be making an effort to somehow want to engage my time? I don't know? It is confusing? He has asked me to meet, and we have met, and he has made overtures to sleep with me, but somehow, it all falls flat. I am probably sounding like some spoiled bitch right now, complaining because someone likes me, and I just want to be a whiner! I really don't. I want to understand what I am feeling? And I want to start on strong footing. Particularly after attracting two married men, to whom I have given much of my time in the past. I do not think that in either case, I have felt as I have because they are otherwise spoken for. In both cases, my history with them began with a deep, strong mutual attraction that has not abated, much to our mutual intrigue. So, no, it is simply my past expectations. There has always usually been a dance of strong mutual emotions that seem to singe the air. My ex-husband being the biggest zinger of all. What feelings! Waw! It was like a drug. Thank goodness that we had our work that took up the other part of our oxygen. Lol. It is nice to know that I remember that fondly. An older friend is trying to tell me that this is a much more mature situation, and that I am dealing with a different sort of relationship, where it is more steady and real. But to me, it seems like he's just set in his ways, expects things his way, a little selfish and never has had to take a look at himself really. So, yes, a convo is in order here, and I shall give the details when it happens.

Confound it!!

So, my week feels like I burnt my candle every which way and though exhausted, I am writing now. I am pleased despite how I feel, to have accomplished so much this week. However a few things are still on the front burner for me. How I shall work them out, shall take a bit of time. Meanwhile...I prefer to focus on my work than the tiny nagging voice that tells me that I am already a bit fed up with....sheesh, what was the nickname that I gave him again? I think it was the towers. He seems to genuinely think that appearing illusive and laid back is going to make me come forward and he cannot be more wrong. I am too busy, too focused and too jaded to consider that remotely appealing. I think that I have given it enough of my time. I don't know what else to say. His behavior just rubs me the wrong way. It just disappoints me. I do not feel the usual things that to me come naturally when a man is interested in me. He did brilliantly when we were in different countries, but now...he leaves much to be desired. I don't feel like he is trying to be more than my friend, although he has gone to the other extreme when he can corner me, he jumps all over me and I have to tell him to stop like if he's a child. This is so maddening. We may just simply not be meant for more than it has been these last two years. So I should just stop wondering about it.