Revelation time

There have been a few regrets stewing inside me, that I have found it difficult to transcend. Tonight though, I think that I got a handle on one big one. I have felt that other peoples' lives are somehow a testament to better decisions than my own. I felt this acutely when my neighbor kept waxing philosophically about her ex in a way that practically sainted him. She went on and on about what good choices they made for their children, and what a great relationship they share now...it was a bit hard to take, when she has nothing good to say about my ex at all. Not that I hold her as a standard of virtue, or as someone who has made amazing choices...but I do not want to get side tracked...her opinion led me to think about the things that I believe I have not had the opportunity to experience because of the things that have happened in my own relationship. I feel as though I have lived with more misery than joy. But then, the turning point came for me when a series of small things occurred....sending a message to a few people on Facebook.looking at so many " friends" looking so glowingly happy with their significant other in heir costumes for Carnival, and my little one watching Superman and telling me that this is the new interest for them. It dawned on me that I have the liberty,and the power to make my life my own,on my own terms. It woun't look like other people's lives. But I can certainly fill it with love and anticipation, beauty and my idea of success. I almost laughed out loud. Of course. It was so easy to be dragged along by what the world insists is the way that things should go. But is that really the only way? Of course not.

Of late

Thinking on my mistakes is something I do often. Of late, I have been looking at people in the street, friends, acquaintances, and pictures online, on Facebook and elsewhere, questioning my own expectation for a good life. So what is a good life? It is a simple answer for me. It is a life where I am either doing everything I could possibly want to do and be financially secure. Or, if there is someone in my life, that that person is so in tuned with me that thinking on their issues make me feel that I am part of something that is also of value to me. I still feel a bit queezy to admit that companionship and love is something that matters a great deal to me. But enough of that, I am writing about ambition in this entry. It's time to focus on ambition in a way that I have not. I have of course had goals. But ambition...apart from my college dreams that I fulfilled, I do. Ot think that I have thought of myself from a position of superlatives that I want to tick off on a notepad. I have been so fed up, that it has become easy to say fuck it all. I must create and now, if I don't agree to it, I may as well be dead.

Triumph

It has been a long road, but this time, it is set off on with me feeling truely that what is up ahead is set up by me. For so very long, I looked at life from a place of pessimism. I did not intend it. But there it was. So I would make plans, make great, detailed lists. Always hopeful, but deep down, I would be Squamish, I would be doubting. It took as I said, a very long time to move beyond that. It took lots of reading spiritual books, articles and notes I have made over the years to get here. It took disappointments, it took having good things happen. It took my observations of what was going on in my life. Not just writing about it, but analyzing what I was feeling. It took many low feelings. It took grief. It took pains of all types. It also took great anger, despair and need for rest. I am so happy to finally know that my journey is mine. So what this says now is this....L I F E. I. S. B. E. A. U. T. I. F. U. L. My interest now is to watch myself think and believe that I am in control and then watch how life unfolds. This does not mean that I do nothing. I have my goals. Over the last few months, my list is my goals that I write over and over again. I do this to keep it at the forefront of my mind. I stray...I focus on my goals. The focus is extremely helpful now, as what is focused on does promote more such focus. I see and feel the pleasure down to my bones. my timeing is getting better. Stronger. The mist is clearing. I can see way beyond whatever the fuck was keeping me stuck. Mute. Paralyzed with fear. Once. Once, I needed a label to put on what I wanted to be doing. I kept looking for validation. Even when I was making things independently. There was a want for approval. Thank goodness I had the instinct to create anyway. Thank goodness it was always inside me.

Nearly fell off the world

If I were not vigilant I would nearly have found myself going down the deep end of becoming an asshole. Simply put, I was so much in my own head, complaining about something I had very little control over...that I began to hear myself become someone I would not want to talk to. A complainer, a shiner, a bitter sort. I have good reason.but that is not good enough. I do not want to go down the road of the aggeaved. I know what it's like. I hear it in others all around me. I am so much more mindful, more conscious of late of what is better in the world. I am so much happier to know that there is so very much more to want to build and enjoy thn break and destroy. So, I took a look and I turned around,ms tarting with curbing the need to spew verbal diarrhea and then, to give a moment to what runs through my mind. To find the triggers that lead me to negative, predictable behavior. I have had enough of it. More than my share. I am in control of me. I am in a space in my mind now where I want to watch and enjoy how I am going to make my life over in the likeness that I know best.

Faith to think better of yourself is what I need every day. I got the chance to swim and play in my field yesterday. I indulged up to my hair in joy. It is an effort to keep my focus, but when I do.....I am fierce about holding onto it. There is so much to write today. So I shall do so in stages.

The recording that I play constantly in my mind, I know that it is neurotic, and somewhere I feel that there is some religious or psychological pay-off to punish myself. This keeps me from laying down my true feelings and desires from time to time. I am now at a place where my old habits make me tired and conscious of a need to see better, stronger results for themselves. I am so glad for this mostly private site. Sometimes you just have to save your own life, go to bat for you.I feel like a traitor to the amount of progress that I know I have made.I just have to face my contradictions now, or else the overloaded emotions that seek me out late at night will break apart all of my work over the years. So what is this big thing? When I see what I consider upheaval in the last few years, I see no reward to my child for it. There are moments when I think that I want my family back, and I know that my child feels that way. I have felt such defeat, and I admire the lives of my family and people I have known and admired, who faced so much, much more with grace and aplomb. Despite my early ramblings, I know that my feelings are not unusual. What having admitted it aloud in writing has now done for me, is clear some space around something that felt tight and unmanageable. I came across something I think the Buddha said, it was about death. The statement says that man is afraid of death, no matter how much he may pretend to take it lightly.we all want good lives. I feel that way. My ex husband has written me more than once telling me that if he cannot be happy, then he shall make sure that I am not happy either. Now this is a semi threatening boast of a bully. What is required of me is a restructuring of my beliefs and priorities. Thank goodness that I never had such a etched in stone vision of what I expected my life to look like. Or perhaps the fact that I did not is exactly the problem. Whatever it is or was, I am here now, and I must evaluate where I am and where I am going. I have had the best intentions, but I have not felt like I have made any progress. When I speak like that, what I am really saying is that i have financial challenges that have come from choosing the job I have had for the last few years. I do not want to weigh this entry down with negatives and I am on the look out for placing doubt like salt, everywhere I tap my keys. Perhaps if I were feeling that I was meeting my personal targets in every other part of my life,then, I may not be as concerned.so, again, what this is telling me, is that my ex husband's voodhoo has some legs. I have been dealing with that for some time. It is in my power to change that because it must be done. Not because I want to proove anything to him, but because I have felt so hurt by so many things because they seemed to set me back. Again. I might be rambling. I think, my goal now is to accept what I have not been able to change. Accept that I have made mistakes that have made me feel less than satisfied with myself afterwards, and in a few instances, even slowed down my idea of progress. I am clearing all of this out of my mind today to give myself the start I deserve.

Big, FAT Lier

I have successfully dug myself into a fortunately shallow hole when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps here I can offload my shameful, dark secret that may not be that secret... I think the reason that I have not been able to successfully move on in a relationship of any kind really, is because I have not gotten over my ex. There. I wrote it down in black and white. I do not understand why I still feel this way after all of this time, when it is very clear that the only way that I would ever get involved with him again is if a miracle happened and he were to change so completly, that even I could not recognize him. Thus stated, my inability to move on is likely to have nothing to do with him, and simply the fear of the unknown perhaps? If I were to meet the ideal person for me, (as I thought he was way back when) then possibly, my anxiety may be dulled? I have learned a lot about what I will not tolerate and do not want. I can spot someone wasting my time and trying to play with me. I am much more aware of listening to my body and mind and focusing on what feels comfortable for me. I have discovered a charmingly wild side to myself that I want to push more and more because she's cool, and fun, sexy and mysterious. I like me. I like how much I have grown. I have asked myself the question many times. There are nights when I feel that I have passed this place so very, very long ago....and then so subtlety, so unexpectantly I get a sort of pineing feeling. It may be nostalgia? God, I don't know what makes it come up? I might be feeling a little lonely ? But I am soooo buzy, so focused on things that matter to me. So how come that can get through my business? Is it something that I thought I dealt with, but just have not? I thought that I had? I had to come to terms with rejection from the person I cared about the most. I have had to work on my ego. I have had to do quite a lot to maintain my distance from someone who has done absolutely nothing to make me feel that he feels anything but contempt for me. Not an easy thing for me. I am unused to this magnitude of dislike at such close quarters. I also do not believe that it is...you hate me, so I must be attracted to you to proove you wrong. That is a complete waste of time indeed. Maybe I should just chalk it up to a glitch in my system. When it comes up, I just acknowledge that old bug bear and say... Hey, there it is again., and shrug it off. It never lasts long. He makes certain to act in a way to Remi d me that hate is the agenda for him and no good light can penetrate it. So, there it is. What I can also do, is focus on what I would love to experience with a real person instead...lol. Project what I would so much prefer. Yep, I think that that is the way to go.