gather no moss

This week Fashion Designer Kate Spade and Chef, Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. It was shocking. These two powerhouses in their field obviously seemed to be at the top of their game. One wonders when things like this happens, the belief is that everyone thrives for a fraction of the amazing success of such people. So when those who appear to do so well fall apart, it is mind-boggling. But the reality is that feeling low has nothing to do with money or success. This year I have had my moments when I have felt hopeless. Nothing outwardly proved what was going on inside my mind. For me the only way to combat it,is to know that I can focus my attention away from what pains me. It doesn't always work. From somewhere deep inside , if you push and poke, if you can, you can eventually sense that it is but a moment. the next moment doesn't have to be equally bad, or the next and next...but it takes will and faith and hope that somewhere along the way, better will come. Sometimes the better is tiny. It is incremental. It may even not be what you want. But you hold on to that ray of hope like its oxygen your breathing into your lungs. When suicides like those very famous ones happen,I wonder about the lives. Anthony Bourdain would have heard about Kate Spade. When people are at their lowest, who knows what people are dealing with? It also reminds you to be grateful. There you may be, thinking the worst yourself, but somehow, you don't feel the way those who make the choices do. Today on the train there was an agitated man who was cursing about his relationship gone wrong. It was a reminder to how much we believe the things we experience so completely. It is so easy to get very caught up in your feelings. You want something to be a certain way, but you don't always get what you want...you get what you need 'The Rolling Stones."

the cloud

I am on vacation and it feels so weird to not be running around this time. Being here gives me a little perspective. Having the opportunity to step away from the things that concern me, I now remember that although I may want some things to go a certain way,that I may be so fortunate to not have my life tangled up in directions that do not serve me. I have always felt that way, but in the last year I did not feel that way at all. I wanted to push and manipulate something to my will, and not for anything would my efforts pay off. This led me to feel great doubt and to soul search. I wondered privately what was I not doing? Or what was it that I did that was wrong? However, ultimately, my experiences tell me that when things do not work out as I would like, I can look at what IS actually going on that I am controlling in my life now. So, for example, I may feel that I am not having certain financial improvements. I may think that it is preventing me from starting a venture that I hoped to focus on to be able to make decisions to shift from one place to another. But something inexplicable curtails the plan. It may mean that I should push harder? But sometimes it means that I have to re-evaluate my plans. I will never forget the story the Architect Zaha Hadid told about her early work. She won a prestigious contest and expected that it would lead to her first building being built. But then it didn't happen for years. She was devastated. Then she decided to re-structure her company. That decision led to a much better approach when the real jobs she wanted came her way. I have never forgotten about that. It is also clear to me that sometimes you can't see any good in the stall, or in what seems like a perminantly bad situation. I would write that you just have to evaluate how to make the best out of what you are faced with, and that's that.

vibrations raise

One other thing...I felt something else too. it could be best termed as a raising of my vibration. With more confident thought and more work on removing that which no longer served me, I found that there was a vast and immediate improvement. One good, strong feeling begot another and so on and so on. I shall continue to write about this as I work on myself.

thoughts to ponder

Something shifted for me tonight. I have been having moods. They have not been dramatic if I were observing me from a distance, but to me, they were tumultuous. It was the usual reason. I was feeling as though everything was passing me by. But over the last few hours, I have been confronting my feelings. I have decided for example, that I am going to do at least one thing a day that speaks to my confidence. I also am being more confrontational with my negative self talk. I now listen to myself go on and on and I observe what I feel, where I focus my thinking, how often...and can say that already I find that I can break up the illusion with better results. What used to happen is a dis-satisfying pattern of an attempt at positive re-enforcement that would seem to work, but then I would have crashes. This proved that all I was doing was creating a placebo effect. I think that the worst thing one can do is to think that they are doing better when all that is happening is a sort of brainwashing. You think that your getting somewhere, but your actually still very much stuck, and when you realize it, its even harder to get out of the malaise. What i did in this, the wee hours of Monday is place alongside my negative self talk another way to view my life. For example, this evening I brought up with my colleague who told me that I was being paid for all the work I out in to support a large scale project....that she wants to 'talk' to me about 'that." I know what to expect when someone says something like that. It usually means that they suddenly want to change what they told me to get me to work with them in the first place. My initial reaction was anger. I didn't show it. I felt it. My first thought about it was...why does this happen to me? Why do people think that I somehow don't need money? My next thought after that was... I think that I should just quit the fucking job, as it isn't really a job when there is such a hassle to be paid fairly. I let myself rant and then I dismissed everything I thought. Now this situation is not over yet. But already I am working on the outcome that I do want to experience. I replaced what I put into my mind with things that I prefer to focus on... the work that I do want to do. The things that I do want to accomplish...things like that instead. It doesn't mean that the situation will magically change. What it does mean though is that I (at least in this instant) will not go down the path of getting any more worked up about the matter than I can) After all, I am not faced with a way to change it at this time. What I can change is investing any more negative emotions behind it. In the past I found this the hardest thing to do. But last week I observed myself while in my 'mood.' I was lamenting the whole romantic relationship thing and noticed that my focus strayed to couples holding hands and the whole nine yards. Now that is a pleasant thing to observe. But I was looking at it with a kind of longing as though it was beyond my grasp, or that I had never had the experience...and I caught myself within the moment and saw the folly of my thinking. I was actually creating more lamentation...more of exactly what I did not desire. This bothered me, because I wondered how could I change the behavior? Surely this would be how I would always act? It was so subtle and seemed ingrained within me. But then, a tiny voice piped up, you change it because you will no longer tolerate the worst outcome. But not only that, the worst outcome is as much an illusion as the best outcome. Ha. Take that! With that, I felt miles and miles better than when I began.

Sometimes I am left wondering, and at other times I am so filled with a sense of peace and love that nothing can sway my equilibrium. There is a certain knowing that buoys me up and I feel filled with the best sense of wellbeing. Nothing particularly remarkable caused it, it just is. Perhaps it was going to Toco today. All of the greenery and the ocean took be out of myself and literally expanded my thinking. I am extremely grateful.

suddenly it is clear

For months and months I have been fighting my heart. Finally, I read a quote from Osho that set me straight. Don't allow the fear to overpower you. Allow LOVE to overpower you. Love comes from the CENTRE. Fear always comes from the periphery; don't allow this perifary to be dominant. That says so much to me. Waw!!!! I have been behaving as though I cannot trust my own good feelings. It is clear why I have been doing that. I have not actually thought about how certain feelings would impact me. I have been so caught up with feeling awkward and not wanting to do something wrong because I feel so happy, that I have been driving myself crazy instead. What Osho is telling me with that statement is that I shouldn't worry about what I feel. What I feel is to be felt and expressed, and I shouldn't hold it in because I may be rejected or embarrassed or whatever. To feel that way would mean that I expect that love is happening outside of myself and that I have expectations. Of course I have expectations. But I didn't think that I deserve my expectations...or perhaps I think that they can only end badly, so why venture? There are no guarantees, and no one should think that they can ultimately give me one. That shouldn't be what a relationship is about. Life goes on. I am love again, always have been. I am putting one foot in front of the other, and I am very much here and now.

some thoughts on emotions

Learning to live with contradictions is something that I have begun to accept more readily in my life. As I have been writing for several months, the impact of one encounter succeeded in me being so moved that it was practically all I could think about. I worried that I was completely overcome. The intensity of my feelings brought me great wonder but also great trepidation. Now, many months hence, I am a bit more settled. Time and distance succeeded in bringing me to this place that I write from tonight I must start by stating that all of the searching thoughts, the analysis, everything that I observed, taught me so much. The title of this entry is what I want to get at however. I saw the way I went from being closed off to being hopeful. I saw the way I discovered that I could not pretend any longer that I was ok with the day to day, and the things that brought such challenge to me. I wanted to be with this person. But I was also afraid to want to admit that I desired it. His actions gave me the opportunity to step away. But then, I could not dismiss him out of hand. I missed everything about the experience. But although I felt that I should venture out and go for what I wanted, I was in two minds about my approach. I fought with myself on every occasion. I grudgingly stepped up, and amazingly enough, I was more rewarded than not for the effort. But an effort it certainly was. A few days ago I stepped away from all of the questions and resistance and particularly my mind telling myself all sorts of stories both good and bad about how to proceed. I quieted everything down and decided to put it away. By doing so, I feel that I have met myself again. Of course, I cherish what I experienced. I felt so much that was so very lovely, hopeful, beautiful. I appreciated it. It continues to bring a smile to my face. I say thank you. No doubt about it. It tells me that I am ready for the right person, or another person who is right for me. While also knowing that I am right for myself.