light bulb moment

A few days ago I was sitting in a taxi taking the scenic route out of the valley because of the bridge reconstruction. I have been traveling like this for about three months, so, I have become used to looking at certain things and searching out other details every day. In so doing, I had a moment when I thought of juliemangoman and tried to stop the rush of feelings that came to me right away. Then something clicked for me. I named what I was feeling as longing or desire...and bam, I realized that when I am thinking, as I am now on better things, things I want to experience instead of the things that keep me back, I may be putting out such feelings instead of those of already having the experience. This is probably why I get more of the so close but yet so far results. That may be a stretch, but I think that the next time I make a decision about what I should be experiencing, I need to take my emotional temperature. ........ So, what should acceptance and already having what I desire feel like? I can answer that by stating what it isn't. It isn't feeling anxious. It isn't doubt. It's acceptance. It's calm. It's quiet. It is knowing that its there. That's what I have to build on, and the illusion has proven difficult because of all of the distractions that creep up. But now that I have alerted myself to what I feel, I am going to give this awareness a shot.

What has happened, as I expected, has been such a big shock to me that I know that I shall tack back again and again. But one of the things coming to mind tonight is the first time we actually went out. He didn't eat anything and when the bill came, I paid because his card was declined. At the time I remember thinking that that was embarrassing and unfortunate. From then on I think that that situation cemented the way things would go. I am despondent. I want to shout to the heavens, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! I mind my own business, I keep to myself. I speak with you online for years. Or I know you for years....or I meet you again after years....some weirdness insues. Not the fraud, but one type of fraud or the other. Your married, your separated, your divorcing or your looking for a woman to marry. I know that I am not the only woman going through challenges with men, but Jeezan ages man!There is a joke that says it can turn a woman into a Lesbian. But being with another woman will not suddenly make wack behaviour go away. The Lesbians I know are no happier. I am certain that there are millions upon millions of people in the world who are happily in love, on their second marriage,growing old together. My cousin is marrying for the first time now that her son is an adult. She's happy. I know of someone who got married for a third time and is now having a baby and she is very happy. Everyone has ups and downs. But I find that my experiences are over the top! It could have been worse though. I could have fallen in love with him and believed in him and supported his financial goals. I could have unwittingly been involved in one of his schemes. I shudder at the very thought of it. I think that I should be grateful for what I do not have and extremely grateful for what I do have.

in the news

The story broke today and he was even stripped of his Doctorate, if he ever had one. He isn't even being called Mr.Towers. I did not sleep well, I had the flu and I was also thinking about him. I wondered what will become of him? He will still be a relatively young man when he leaves jail. But the time taken and ill gotten gains taken from him will wash with the things that may have been genuine hard work. My next step now is to retrieve my property. But that is a story for another time. I am still shocked by this chapter of his book. I never saw this coming.

I was talking to a young man of twenty-four that I know, and he was telling me of the girl he loved that "got away." I have found that men always seem to have one. In this instance, he painted her as this bright, ambitious person, and he said that she did her best to try to help him to straighten up his life, but eventually she had to leave him and focus on herself. I let him know that if she appeared before him now and decided to take him back, they would still not work out, because she would still have the same needs and he would still be in the same position, not wanting to change. ......... I found that what I told him resonated with me, and low and behold, my sister sent me a What's App message about someone from her past contacting her. It turned out to be the guy she had travelled last year to see, the same one who she was so in love with for years, whom she supported in so many ways. He let her down when she came home by just not being around and not preparing in any way for her to visit him. She put up with it, and then when she came home again, the second time he didn't even see her at all, after telling her that he was going to do better. My sister was blown away by the gravity of disregard he showed her. She did her best to brush it off, and fortunately she had lots of things to do, but the disappointment stung and hurt like hell. Things that my sister should go for, that perfectly mirror her when you meet her, like a great conversationalist, a steady, career driven, clean cut and handsome guy, he was none of that. he is a short,high school dropout,hustler. She liked him because at the time he seemed attentive, genuine and in awe of her. He saw her bullshit and she loved that. ........... So, imagine, after not contacting her at all, splashing her pictures all over his gram and when she arrives, removing them and putting his new girlfriend on it instead and saying she's actually the love of his life.... he contacts her months later. He has very little charge on his phone he writes, and his apology is weak and pointless. .......... Something the young man said to me made me think of what my sister went through. he said that he wished he could run away or go back in time. The flight and flight reflex of some men is a head shaker.Not fight and flight. Maybe because women get pregnant and cannot abandon their responsibilities so easily as a whole makes us less likely to run when things seem difficult. I am sure in both instances, the 24 year old and the 41 year old...the ages of both men...they oddly do not see themselves as being responsible for their actions. The younger man in particular. He sounded as though he was drugged into making the choices he made. He couldn't even admit that he just didn't want to be told what to do to his improvement. He just saw it as nagging and asking way too much of him. Lol. Does it even make sense to try to understand such thinking and actions of some men? The Towers engaged me for years. I had to cut off any interest in him when he could not be straight with me about some simple things, and my instincts kicked in and I refused to allow him to waste my time for another second romantically. What concerns me about these stories is that I ask why does it have to be so hard for women? Or even men? I hear so many people just asking for communication, respect and love. How damn hard is that?

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I have never actually known anyone who has gone to jail. Tonight when I think about The Towers I still cannot believe what has happened. I was on his sites on Facebook, looking at all the lack of activity there now. My mind goes back to the last few encounters with him. I feel sad about this. Tonight he is possibly behind bars, and has been behind bars since last year. No one has known what has been going on with him, or at least those who know do not know me. Quite a few people were looking to me to provide answers. I ask myself can his reputation be salvaged? He is not going to be in jail forever!This is such a major shock, I am writing in a way to curtail the aftershocks of this news that I got only yesterday. He has lost his rights. He cannot go out in one of his several cars. He can't choose a bedroom in one of his houses.He is now reduced to one item of clothing for a specific period of time in a place that he undoubtedly never prepared himself for. I think that I should write to him when I know where he is and perhaps even send him a care package. I cannot imagine what he may be going through. I remember being so impressed with his accomplishments at his age. I felt that he had the where with all to simply work hard and miraculously land on his feet. I never got the impression that he was not respected and admired,probably even envied. He drove me crazy, cunfuffled me about certain aspects of his emotional life and business, and so I distanced myself from him. But I really tried to remain friends and then, colleagues.I concluded that we were just very different, and the red flags that I spotted were for me to spot. Now, I ask myself, what was all of his actions about? I still do not know the full story and I don't know if I ever will. Will I really write to him and would he actually reply? It is early days yet. Who was he? So many things checked out? I met his family. We talked for years!I never profess to know anyone, and thank goodness for that. But still! OMG! Who the hell was he? For me, the things he did to make me pull away all came from my instinct. I even remember telling him very early when I had the first inkling that we were not going to work out, that thee is an undercurrent with people. For now I would call it a resonance. You have patterns that just happen because you agree that you want to spend time with the other person. You notice all of the subtle and not so subtle things. You know they will call. You know when they will. You know their schedule. You pick up on their moods. These things are present without having to speak about it. You just have a flow. He established that and then got weird with me. I found that he began to try to control me and I instantly recoiled from any attempt by him to do it. He really made me conscious of how much I refuse to go through anything like that in my life again. He also left me pondering about his very presence in my life. I must have written about it here many times. On paper, he represented everything that I would desire in a romantic partner. But somehow, after all was said and done, we were not compatible. I found that for important questions about his love life he was cagey and bizaare, making me assume that he was bisexual...I never thought married. That never occurred to me. there was no suggestion even remotely that he did not live alone. It's also odd....my ex and Frequent Flyer prepared me for The Towers. I thought that he seemed to be making himself such a friend to me that after three years, when we finally met again, I thought that he was a single man and that all of his attempts to get to have a relationship with me, maybe, he was someone to start one with. I was dissuaded of that very quickly. I can even say that he prepared me for juliemangoman....because I said to myself, I took a very long time to go out with The Towers. I saw that all of my old beliefs about the kind of man I was interested in proved to not actually be what I thought I wanted. Now, I am just bewildered by every move I have ever made! He has been told that he has to make restitution for his fraud.Who knows what went wrong in this promising and actually high achieving man's life to make him this person I read about yesterday? end of part 1 of 2

and then the worm turns

Where to even start tonight?Last night I had the flu and I also had some work to get to. Just as I picked up the fist thing, I noticed that someone was frantically writing to me on Facebook. At first I was a bit annoyed, as I was sneezing and anxious to get the work done. But I was curious because it was clear that it was serious. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next. I may have written awhile back about The Towers Missing In Action and that at first I didn't take it seriously, but that the person who contacted me was writing to me in a way that peaked my curiosity and made me conclude that something definitely was amiss with him. That was in May 2017. She sent me an article from a newspaper that covers locals living abroad, and it was dated two days before my birthday, this year and the explosive headline spoke about a fellow citizen busted for fraud on the scale of United States dollars three million. My heart started to race as I saw his name and read more of the short write up on his mis-dealings. He has defrauded twenty-four banks and he is scheduled to be sentenced for his crime that he admitted he did! The details are shocking! But then I was in for a further shock when the girl mentioned that he has a wife! A wife! I asked him constantly about his personal life, his romantic life! He never let on to me and I never saw any indication that he was married! As I write this, I am still stunned by this turn of events. At the very most, I thought that he may have met with foul play. I never imagined that he was the fowl! My family are shocked! I am writing this here, but clearly, I shall be bringing this up again and again in the future, particularly when I know more.

more on work

So now my week is really packed. I have to be more strategic than ever. But I believe that this has happened so that I pay attention every day to my incremental steps toward all that I want to accomplish. Even today,it is my one day off, but I did a few things for work that I just had to get to. I am not finished, but at least I got a head start. I am also making some decisions on the way that I am going to eat. This week I got sick on Thursday because I am not having breakfast and almost nothing for lunch. When I get home its a cup of coffee and maybe something small because I am tired. That couldn't go no, and it started with sneezing and escalated to feeling dizzy and feverish. I am already run down. Next week I have to really make an effort to make myself some soups and salads. I am determined to do the two projects that I set out to do and I have three personal ones along with that to also accomplish. My plate is very, very full indeed. But I like the planning, the setting goals, the opportunity to see things flourish from a germ of an idea to an outright activity and met goal. So I am syched by it all.