A few days ago I thought that I had read the perfect introduction, summing up so many conflicting feelings I have. I don't know why, but I did not screen capture it, photograph it or write it down. So I shall just have to go on memory. The statement was about expectations. It was one of those evenings when I would be fine one moment and the next I would find my thoughts wondering and eventually leading me down paths so familiar that I would forget that they led me to brooding. I know that if I can't keep to knowing that I am moving forward and I have plans and I am creating my future from the best energy that I can muster, and then...bam. these little niggling moods flutter around me like mosquitoes! The statement felt like a meal and I injested it whole. It was exactly what I needed to push myself out of my morass. I have been looking for it ever since. But, I had to accept defeat and proceed to write this evening anyway.

There are times when I find that I really have to work at keeping my mind on my best. Sometimes I want to fall back into the feelings of desair, because I think that if I don't acknowledge them, they will act out something to bring me to my knees. Also, sometimes I feel as though I am walking in mostly darkness. How is it that I can feel so good one moment and then the extreme opposite the next? I am tired tonight, and I was tired last night as well. I opened this blog and all I could write was three sentences. However, as I write this, the cloud is lifting. I just needed to come here and rest a moment. I know this feeling comes over me because there is something I feel disappointed about, and that of course is an expectation. I think that I have at least one or two things to feel really good about, and other things that I am working on that shall be very satisfying. I have no need to be glum. The things that I think that are making me feel like this is rejection. I just am conscious of all of the things that I worked really hard at that seem to have left me feeling that all of my efforts were in vain. It may help me tonight to think about what I can do to change what I am feeling. I think that I have also fallen into a rut in some ways. I changed up my routine this week, and I felt the results of that. I am establishing new friendships and I almost said no to an offer to hang out with them because I am so used to not going anywhere or having anyone invite me to anything. I know that part of saying no is because everyone else is peered up and I loathe the very thought of making small talk with people who may feel as dis-interested as I can. Yet, I stay at home and I always have something to do. But I cannot shake the knowledge that I am substituting that busyness for friendship, closeness and fun. My attitude is not getting me anywhere. I have to make more of an effort.

STILL HERE

Now that the moves to prevent me from moving ahead in my job has been exposed, I have to move on. I have a lot to do. It is a bit overwhelming, but I shall prevail. The extent of the lies and deception is mind blowing. I had to go for my usual walk and figure out what I should do next. As I did that, I grew more and more dispondant.I felt as though I had no alleys. No one in my corner to even speak with. I acknowledged that and I saw that I was still standing. I saw that despite all that was thrown at me, pretending to be my friend, pretending to be a colleague, pretending to want to involve me in things hoping to see me fail....I am still standing, and I looked at myself in awe and saw that I am STILL HERE.

ultimately

One of the things that I have been fighting with and could not quite put into words was the thought that being on my own and not having my closest friend or ex-husband around meant that somehow I was missing something. I think that I was not acknowledging the void that was left when they both stepped out of my life. I barely had any opportunity to rail and grieve their loss, so Instead I lived and survived with the loss. That being the case, I have had a hard time with on the one hand stating the things that I want and then confronting what it takes to get it. I have gone to bed many a night in turmoil. Then recently I was looking at some fluff piece on Netflix and realized what I had been resisting. For such a very long time, I had some assurances in my life. My best friend was someone who built a personal world with me, as did my ex-husband. Whatever was going on in my life, they provided a buffer in many ways. Now that they are not here, it is as though I have had to learn to live with the elements. Then, another thing came up as well. In a decade, I have not been the person to pursue anyone. Of the persons I have had around me, they called, they pursued. I did not encourage any advances. Going forward, I see that so many things feel like uncharted territory, and it is scary but also very exciting. ......... It's funny, there is dependence in independence sometimes. I had built up my own little world that I manouvered around all those years. It didn't always go well, but on reflection, I may be romanticizing the past, but knowing things in hindsight, there was much to be pleased with. ........ Untouched ground is exciting too. I have come very far from where I started out. I think that I can state that I am grateful for every step and every day. Nothing is promised, but so much is possible. To come into my own I have had to go through quite a great deal, and this last year , where I faced aspects of myself that I usually keep so much under control is still affecting me. Coming to terms with certain expectations not panning out, and knowing however that that does not mean that it is a failure or that I cannot expect something else or better or else is a way. I have seen how much I can hold to beliefs or actions that suddenly I have had to let go in an instant. All of the adjustments and shifts have felt at times like too much. But ultimately, aren't I the lucky one, because it is ultimately called "life.'

If I were to analyze my year, I would say that I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I have been like a little boat within an ocean of feelings. It has made me think and write a great deal about what I experienced. Now I am a bit more settled about what it was all about. I remember that I had a what if evening where I was considering what it would take to have a relationship with my ex where we could be together but not obligated to go back to what it was...a friend with benefits arrangement of sorts. I Googled what could happen if I took that thought to action and decided that it was not for me. The next day, I met someone and my life changed. I got what I assume is a Cocaine hit of feelings that tripped me out and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then the person who caused the rush of emotions just disappeared and confused me even more and got me barfing up my emotions in a violent way. It became clear that all of the stuff coming from me was for me. I am still moved. I am still hopeful I am also in a way, breaking through to myself in ways that I believe I never would have been able to do if not for the last year. A cocktail of intense feelings prevented me from my usual tight, logical, controlling personality. I embraced the side of me that is spontaneous. I stared down being alright with my anger and other things that I do not reflect outright. I would say that I balanced myself. All of this did not happen easily. I put up a personal fight. Admitting what I wanted was the start. Amazingly enough, this too was hard to do. Why? It was uncharted ground. My land, but un-analyzed to death, so it seemed pristine. I am now going towards the things that I resist. I find that confronting what challenges me is very good for me. I am uncomfortable, curious and aware that other confrontations have been very good for me. So I expect that more of the same is going to happen. I have wanted to have a relationship with my husband, as I am still determined to call him. Nothing has worked out and I have been juggling my emotions on that one. I have received so very much, and want more, and it is all so flawed because it is partly absence that makes the heart grow fonder and it is the best part of the treatment that makes me long for more. The fracture between what was taken in and what was experienced after is the rub. Silence does nothing to help the feelings that run unbridled. I cannot cork them off no matter how hard I try to. So today I told myself why not reflect them into myself. Sort of see them as what I emit outward believing that it is coming from my memory of him when it may indeed just be me reflecting my own desires out. I am what I ultimately want. I confess that there are times when I do still think that I don't see how it could work? We are definately from very different worlds! Yet, he touched mine so deftly and the impression left has altered me significantly and I wish that I could have done the same.Then at other times, I am certain that I have done the same. Ultimately it really doesn't matter, because my outcome stays the same.

The things open to me now are mind boggling. I just went for my usual walk and let my mind wonder. Over the years I have been filled with ideas that I have not been able to fully execute. Now, I am in a position to do whatever I want to do. My interests are broad, so what I am doing now is using a little cute hard covered purple book to put everything that I think about, research and want to explore in one spot. I wish that I had the technology to literally swipe images on the computer to my notebook. The I-pad does not cut it for images that I want to see immediately, and many at once. At present what I have to do is to sketch little images of what I want to see on the same page. Anyway... I am not deterred. There is such joy in making something from nothing.

new leaf

When I look back on moments of my life that felt like some insurmountable challenge, I realize that most of the turbulence was being caused by my thoughts. It always had to do with feeling pulled and pushed to make whatever I felt was the 'right' decision. In every case, it was really about coming to terms with 'my' decision over that of all of the noise of the thing in question. A few days ago my contract was not renewed from my job that I have held for a decade. It was unexpected but I was not completely surprised. The company is under new management, and the person writing to me, as I have come to understand, wants to stock their position with people they want. All of this is understandable, and I was fully aware that nothing is promised. However, the way in which the person chose to alert me and the way in which they wrote to me was problematic. They went about it in a way to make me feel insecure and to thinly allude to their dislike of my approach to doing things because they were not doing what they were supposed to do, and I have been showing them up...inadvertently. This is an interesting moment for me. I have wanted to leave that place for a long time. Every time I have tried, I have been met with roadblocks. This time, I was just released without anything in place to hold to, but already, two days after the incident, I feel lighter. I look better. I am better for it. In hindsight I also notice now that in so many ways, your inner self and your body knows what is going on. It is the mixed messages that have kept me insecure. I have not always felt that I can achieve what I want to achieve in the way I want to and the noise of the world and of people and their opinions can and do distract you if you need others to help you build your dream and they just don't see it or believe it themselves. Its tough to toil alone trying to make something out of thin air.The fear to move forward or to make a mistake has to do with that awareness, the sensitivity to all of the energy around you. In a way, my empathy is like countless television shows where the person gets a super power and that power is the ability to hear everyone's thoughts. The empath is picking that up all the time, and because of that, it is difficult to act sometimes. So as I told my daughter yesterday, you really have to be firm about who you are and what you want for yourself. That is the only way to shield yourself from all of the things that come down on you. Of course I wish that I had known that a million years ago. But I know it now. This is also why, the sitting with myself quietly and slowly talking with myself, asking myself what am I feeling? That is so important for me to do. My becoming my ally and friend in the way that I am, is so necessary to achieve the goals I set out for myself. For that, I am right on time.