always contemplating

This morning when I awoke, I remembered a conversation had with someone about the impression I made a decade ago. I was surprised and embarrassed by the way that the person gushed about me. Embarrassed because I couldn't help thinking that if I had known that I made such an impression, I would be so much better off. Today I consider that and use it as I move forward every day. Thinking about myself ten years ago, I run my mind over all of the challenges. I don't run my mind over all of the great moments, to the point where I may find myself saying, what great moments? But of course I had them. I believe that the best thing that I have done in the most recent years is to re-organize the way that I view the negative that has bombarded me. I cannot remember when I did it, but I believe that I wrote about it here online, where I decided that I was going to challenge all of my negative thoughts and get to a place where I would start to consider bigger thoughts, bigger goals. That has been exactly the right attitude to have, and I gain from it all of the time. Now that I am on the threshold of uncharted territory, I am directly looking at one of my biggest challenges to date, and that is the old belief that no matter how much I may be inclined to plan, nothing goes to plan. Usually, that sort of contemplation would just get me upset with myself. But now, I am fascinated by the idea of being propelled forward by my own efforts. My efforts are now buoying me up and I am not so fixated on fear as I have been for forty years. Fear and failure are inevitable. The point is to move past it, see it, confront it and continue to proceed to where you want to go. Now, when I do what I started to do with this post, to contemplate the past and ask whether I have the pluck to take from the best as I go into something new,I feel freer. Everyone pays for their choices. If your married, you may glance at those who are not and believe that they may have more opportunities than you may have. Those who are single may feel the pull to those with families. I have looked at the latter sometimes, thinking that somehow I am untethered and thus broken. It is a funny thing.Such thoughts can really stall you. But I am up for the adventure. If I choose the red pill over the blue pill, I have a good attitude about life, and ultimately that is the greatest success.

Layers

A friend called me today and we had the sort of conversation that is helpful in showing me how much I have grown and how much I have done. The person is now dealing with the fallout of divorce because it is impacting their health. My heart skips a beat at everything that was said, it knows that I have been over that ground and have toiled every step of the way to come to terms with the things that I feel have hurt me to the quick. I let her know that feelings of anger and sadness, hurt and despair are not to be avoided. On the contrary, they are to be encouraged and confronted. Once you make friends with what feels best to avoid, and you engage it, asking its purpose and listening to what it has come to say, you can dissect it and most of all, send it on its way with the tools you need to prepare for the next time.

developments

Some noteworthy things are taking shape in my life right now. They relate to the way I see the world, my world right now. I am very grateful for what is occuring. I would say that I am more mindfilled. I enjoy the conversations I have with myself more as I am now spotting and waiting out those moments when I want to be negative about my decisions or past. I remember years ago wondering when this moment would come. I read many, many books on this part of enlightenment and questioned whether it was possible for me. I was helped by a statement from someone spiritually wise who said that being enlightened does not mean suddenly living a perfect life. You will still have days where you feel dispondent or angry or whatever can pull you in a spiral. However, being enlightened means knowing that these things come and go....in the same way that joy and everything that feels good comes and goes as well. The point is to not hold on to it possessively, but to observe it all with gratitude.

because

There is something about hopelessness. I have held its hand so many times. I have felt that I take too long to change for my best. I have wondered whether I am even ambitious? I have concluded often that I am just floundering through life and that everyone else is doing great and have their lives in order while they laugh behind their hands at me, or worse, they see right through me. Then, to crown it all, just as I find the steps to receive a quarter of what everyone else seems to have effortlessly, even that seems too good for me. Yet I get up every day and find a glimmer of light. Some days the glimmer of light is created in my tears. This is what is meant to be alive, I tell myself, convincing myself that this deep pain inside of me that screams failure is not real. I am inside it perhaps, but light is also inside of me. I keep reminding myself. As long as I can think of something else, something more, something that can lead me out of despair, I am not down for the count.

I have written many times of the strong desire to come to this place to just express my feelings, and then when I get here, I am stalled or stopped. It can be so funny. I have to warm up and gradually get into a groove. Tonight I marvel at how much my husband (juliemangoman) meant to me. I got so galvanized in my feelings.I really didn't need another person to as its said, complete me. I am full enough with the story I wanted to tell myself. I was left alone so much with no one to bounce my thoughts against that it was so clear that no way was I in synchronicity with him. I am fascinated by how much one builds and threads together a perspective. You go on a little hint here and a past experience there and you embroider an entire life and moreso, expectation around little pieces of fluff. No amount of wanting and hoping can make something happen. It was maddening the way one day was good and then the next it was not. It is easy to see mow in hindsight,that any relationship has a degree of tenuousness to it. No guarantees at all, no matter how demure, pretty,sexy, bright or rich you may be.Sometimes you want to force something, your feelings are just out of control.Acting spontaniously has its moments. How do you get someone out of your head who changed the game? How do you balance a situation where it was amazing and also terrible to experience? This is the thing of great creativity. So much is fueled by such an experience. Have I written this much about anyone else? It doesn't seem so. But of course I have, because once things do not go as I expect I become an investigator. I have decided to not stifle this whole thing. I feel really exposed and stupid writing about him, but like I stated before, I feel so many contradictory ways and I just want to understand it.

A few days ago I thought that I had read the perfect introduction, summing up so many conflicting feelings I have. I don't know why, but I did not screen capture it, photograph it or write it down. So I shall just have to go on memory. The statement was about expectations. It was one of those evenings when I would be fine one moment and the next I would find my thoughts wondering and eventually leading me down paths so familiar that I would forget that they led me to brooding. I know that if I can't keep to knowing that I am moving forward and I have plans and I am creating my future from the best energy that I can muster, and then...bam. these little niggling moods flutter around me like mosquitoes! The statement felt like a meal and I injested it whole. It was exactly what I needed to push myself out of my morass. I have been looking for it ever since. But, I had to accept defeat and proceed to write this evening anyway.

There are times when I find that I really have to work at keeping my mind on my best. Sometimes I want to fall back into the feelings of desair, because I think that if I don't acknowledge them, they will act out something to bring me to my knees. Also, sometimes I feel as though I am walking in mostly darkness. How is it that I can feel so good one moment and then the extreme opposite the next? I am tired tonight, and I was tired last night as well. I opened this blog and all I could write was three sentences. However, as I write this, the cloud is lifting. I just needed to come here and rest a moment. I know this feeling comes over me because there is something I feel disappointed about, and that of course is an expectation. I think that I have at least one or two things to feel really good about, and other things that I am working on that shall be very satisfying. I have no need to be glum. The things that I think that are making me feel like this is rejection. I just am conscious of all of the things that I worked really hard at that seem to have left me feeling that all of my efforts were in vain. It may help me tonight to think about what I can do to change what I am feeling. I think that I have also fallen into a rut in some ways. I changed up my routine this week, and I felt the results of that. I am establishing new friendships and I almost said no to an offer to hang out with them because I am so used to not going anywhere or having anyone invite me to anything. I know that part of saying no is because everyone else is peered up and I loathe the very thought of making small talk with people who may feel as dis-interested as I can. Yet, I stay at home and I always have something to do. But I cannot shake the knowledge that I am substituting that busyness for friendship, closeness and fun. My attitude is not getting me anywhere. I have to make more of an effort.