EH?

Why am I writing now? I should be asleep. I have an early day tomorrow...yet, I find myself thinking about my ex-husband...nothing specific...just the whole relationship that was and is now. When I think of all of the tumult, I wonder about him. My instincts are telling me that I can reach out to him to help him become less angry....reality shouts, how the hell are you going to do that! Lol. My purpose for wanting that is obvious...my child has to deal with him all of the time.I think to myself, surely there is something I can do? Not fueling his behavior has worked for years. But as stated before, recently he seems to press against mu consciousness, or is it just my wishful thinking? I shall definately return to this train of thought in the future.

mechanism

As I set out on my new path, I am confronting some old stories. The difference this time is my awareness. Of course I have hopes and dreams, and I have experience. I know that what I think and even imbue with energy does not come to pass. Sometimes it is a great thing, but not while it is happening. For example, I may go through an experience and wonder what outcome will occur, and my vision would be Hollywood-esk, a complete literary bombshell! But the reality would be something more subtle. It may include aspects of my belief, but it would definately not happen as my mind told the stories. This is the case with creating a new business. I have been here many times, so much so that I see no need to really write up a business plan. What sends my mind in directionless spaces, is the fact that as a creative person I have a deep desire to just sit at home and make and make, and make work. (Sounds great!) But, bills come every day. So, I am also sending the message out to one or two people that I am looking for work. I am also considering brushing up on some skills and learning new ones. All of this sounds pro-active and really smart. Sure, but really, my concern is money. I am feeling alright about it at the moment, but at months end I would have paid out my usual bills and then what? Like everyone else in the world,I have certain debts that keep me having to work to pay them. Lol. What I am hearing myself saying is that I want to do a fun, soul satisfying job and I want to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I want to do in a comfortable way. Can I do that? ............. I believe that the answer is yes, I can do that. How do I go about it? ............. Diversifying is at the heart of the answer to the questions that I am putting to myself. I have to just do something towards my goals every day...which I am doing. I know that I shall feel discouraged, and even worse... pointless in my progress. However, all of this is part of anything one does in ones working life. My solitary nature exacerbates and makes large to me things that everyone feels but somehow manages via friends, ambient noises, music and other distractions. I have the opportunity now to start again, something that I know many people would literally kill to be able to do. I am feeling the vastness of the fact and now feeling my feet.

wonderful roots

Something wonderful is taking root within me. I have worked a very, very long time to get my mind right, and I am finally seeing and feeling the payoff. I don't know how to explain it really, but I will write that a little positive thinking and awareness of what is right and beautiful in my world has been part of the process. To my utter joy today I got up and found that my mind kept moving toward solutions and plain old garden variety good thoughts. Good thoughts produce good feelings. It sounds so absurd.,,but in the past I would be wary of such beliefs as I had become so used to falling into my very worst expectations that even if something good turned up, I was sceptical about it. A big part of the change has come from accepting that negative things can still be great, it can offer you the opportunity to find a way that you have to find anyway. It doesn't mean that you are not angry or sad, it just means that managing expectations with hope is a better way to achieve a way out of a challenging situation than isolating oneself with the very pain one feels. Of course it gets harder and harder to do when the emotional blows seem to be racing toward you, giving you no time to breath out. It is the hardest thing in the world to see all of it with humor or with a belief that it will eventually pass. Sometimes, all you can do it be still, as there is nothing for it. I believe that that is where my friendship with myself lies. I know that I am in whatever 'this' is, and I know that if I have no support, I am my support. I check myself, and know that I am still standing, even amidst what seems to be impossible odds. My fight or flight is trembling. I am terrified. I know whatever I do may prove wrong. I know I have to act. I hang on to my dangly bits and jump. Wherever I land, I have me. I will be alright.

What it takes

So I did the usual this morning, I got up and stayed in bed and gave thought to what I am going to do next. I worked myself up into a lather following my wild thoughts around and it was fun. I focused on a project that I shelved so long ago, I cannot recall when I first came up with it. What I do know is that it is still viable. I am looking at forming my studio like I'd planned to. All of my plans culminate in a space in which to work. This entry is just my preamble. Lol.

new year/new work

The world seems completely out of control. If I believed in it, I would agree with the doomsday sayers that WE ARE IN THE LAST DAYS....All of Australia is on fire. Donald Trump and the nation of Iraq are staring each other down, not budging about impending World War III and it is not even mid January 2020.I am grateful for one of my favorite sayings...when nothing is promised...everything is possible.. That brings we some reprieve. Also, after always being terrified of what can happen next, there comes a time amazingly enough, that fear becomes the charge by which all actions can spring in a good way. By terror being fed everywhere to everyone all of the time, one can say, oh, it's like the landscape, familiar and a bit distant, but I could easily touch part of it. I will not be doing my usual work this semester. I found out a few hours ago when I checked the schedule. This means that I have the opportunity to do all of the projects I set out for myself. It also means that there is no more time to be unsure about my next steps. I am excited and I am terrified at once. I am so glad that terrified no longer feels the way it used to. I know to take everything one step at a time and all will be well. The other day I was thinking about my life and I got to a stage where everything just felt so heavy. There seemed to be a huge map before me of confusing steps and mis-steps. I had to tell myself that my musings were unfair to me...what was the purpose of focusing on everything with regret?All of my life has not been a waste. Slowly, I perked up as I thought about my child and experiences that mean a great deal to me. Eventually, even the things that have made me doubt and question did not seem only about pain, but about growth too. I am such a solitary person that ever so often I am reminded that I experience the life of the hermit...I have a great deal of time with my thoughts. I think that I spend more time with myself than with any other person. That of course is a factor in the judgements I place on myself. PERSPECTIVE...is everything.

what you resist persists

How many times have I read that whatever you want in life you must embody it first?A ton of times!Now that I take my emotional and energy temperature all the time, my eyes are opening wider and wider. I see when I experience conflict in others, the importance of letting them speak, so I can see where they are coming from and what they are saying and not saying. I now am able to onserve without feeling that I need to fix their problem. I also know now how to not absorb their anxiety. What has been interesting too is observing where I connect or attract a particular energy. My mother and I had a funny incident that proves this. She bought a large container of milk with a screw cap and I kept it to put n the kitchen cupboard. usually I know that she doesn't keep them because we do try to keep plastics, but we just can't keep everything for re-use. So she saw it and told me that she was throwing it away. I took it up and stashed it in the laundry room next to the iron. Hours later, she's back from the super food market and has two large containers of the same milk. They are joined together by a hard plastic ring like the kind you see for six pack beer. She is able to push one open, but the other one gives her trouble and the black clasp to open the milk breaks off and is nowhere to be found. What does she need? She needs the cover of the milk container I felt somehow compelled to keep...but she has thrown it away in the trash. We had a good little chat about intention, hunches and blind faith. That made us feel a sense of spiritual support from that experience. I have had this also happen with other little things, like taking too many paper towels in the morning and then realising that I need it for something completely unrelated, or someone needed one. Those little moments of kismet are beautiful to behold. Everything feels like it has lined up and that your intelligence is way greater than you actually give yourself credit for. If only you would tune everything out all of the time and focus squarely on the natural rhythm of the world!Perhaps I have to confront what I receive, more. I have so many moments where I could have acted, but chose to decline. I know that I am improving. Once upon a time I would have pycho-analyzed everything I just wrote. On yet another note, I had a situation happen yesterday where I met an old colleague. I had not seen him in a few years. I had gone to the pharmacy with my aunt. I saw him first and approached to wish him all the best for the new year. He was so rude and obnoxious, thinking he was being complementary and ...I suppose clever. It was horrendous. I told him point blank that he was being mean, but he just kept up his onslaught until I finally made an escape. I have to note that I had a similar odd energy from a guy I paid to drop me to and from on or before New Years Eve. It is as though the person doesn't like me. They don't wish me well, but they are attracted to me. I am thinking that after all of tis time there is something in that sense of rejection. Attracting rejection...I used to be loathe to be in a situation where someone showed that they didn't like me. I can recall one or two experiences where I was bullied, and the person, a bigger girl terrified me in primary school. But with that guy at the pharmacy, I heard everything he said and I had the best reaction I could not have imagined in the moment....I said to myself, I don't care what he thinks or says. This certainly isn't about me at all. I stepped back from all the trash he was spilling. Earlier that day, I was not feeling one hundred percent about myself. I was doing the negative self talk, but by the time we were on our journey my mood lightened. Clearly, that person picked up on it and matched his with mine. I believe that that is why so many of us believe in bad luck, karma or black magic. The body reacts long before the mind processes the pros and cons of a situation. What I really love about the way that I think now is that I know that I do not have to believe everything I conger up. I don't have to believe everything that I think. I don't have to imagine that someone is talking about me negatively...it doesn't matter if they are, that is their right and none of my business. Even if I am the worst person someone can encounter, as long as I am minding my own truth, my own concerns and not pushing my emotions on others...that's what matters. I have never understood why anyone feels that they have to have other people to be able to be at their best. However, as much as I enjoy my time, I do miss my best friend...gone a decade now! How absurd is that! Ten years in a few months... I do miss my ex- husband as well sometimes. I have decided to confront all of the things I cringe about and find my way to the other side. if I don't do that, I will just be making a bigger deal and building a threat to myself that I will then have to deal with. Right now, my desire is to focus on my very,very best.

seeing double

I had my first day back doing my exercising and was graced with a fantastic sight of a full rainbow and three-quarters of a second one above the first to nearly equal chromatic splendor. It felt as though I was walking inside a film set. It was perfection! The year has begun with a sleepy, quietness that cannot last, but is deeply appreciated.