wonderful roots

Something wonderful is taking root within me. I have worked a very, very long time to get my mind right, and I am finally seeing and feeling the payoff. I don't know how to explain it really, but I will write that a little positive thinking and awareness of what is right and beautiful in my world has been part of the process. To my utter joy today I got up and found that my mind kept moving toward solutions and plain old garden variety good thoughts. Good thoughts produce good feelings. It sounds so absurd.,,but in the past I would be wary of such beliefs as I had become so used to falling into my very worst expectations that even if something good turned up, I was sceptical about it. A big part of the change has come from accepting that negative things can still be great, it can offer you the opportunity to find a way that you have to find anyway. It doesn't mean that you are not angry or sad, it just means that managing expectations with hope is a better way to achieve a way out of a challenging situation than isolating oneself with the very pain one feels. Of course it gets harder and harder to do when the emotional blows seem to be racing toward you, giving you no time to breath out. It is the hardest thing in the world to see all of it with humor or with a belief that it will eventually pass. Sometimes, all you can do it be still, as there is nothing for it. I believe that that is where my friendship with myself lies. I know that I am in whatever 'this' is, and I know that if I have no support, I am my support. I check myself, and know that I am still standing, even amidst what seems to be impossible odds. My fight or flight is trembling. I am terrified. I know whatever I do may prove wrong. I know I have to act. I hang on to my dangly bits and jump. Wherever I land, I have me. I will be alright.