set ups

I wonder whether we all give ourselves the issues we face pretty much like a game? I wrote about my problem solver friend in the last entry. I see that need to be right and fix things in her character, but there are also things that I see that I do not believe relate to me at all. None of us get out of our world alive and so we are all entangled in relationships of all kinds.I write about experiences, but what are my expectations? Should I even ever really have any? The only way to happiness according to the Buddha is to have no expectations, and that is very true. We are moved by our emotions and thus, our memories of what said emotions do or have done to us.Everything else is just constant analysis, entertainment and background noise. Who are we?

Say what?

Tonight I had an opportunity that in other circumstances I probably would not look upon quite this way. My friend whose husband I wrote about a few weeks ago, called me. I was working on something at the time, but I told her that I could multi-task. She got right into a number of subjects and then asked me about my project. Before I could really round out what it was all about, she drew a bunch of conclusions about it, me and the process...despite having no background in any of it. I found this quite amazing. But that was not the opportunity. I look at myelf as someone who loves to solve problems. This means that I also have a habit of listening to my friends and even aquaintances and offering my advice...unsolicited or not. I have been more and more aware that I do this and have done whatever I can to give advise only when asked or to offer only with a caveat. So listening to her tell me what I think, who I am and what I am about AGAIN, I saw why we connect. Seeing another 'problem solver' in action is astonishing to watch. If I come across that way, woebetides anyone who wants comfort.I clearly leave a bitter taste if my approach is anything like that. This 'opportunity' to see a character trait in someone else leaves me with so much to learn. My friend is by no means a bad person to know. The trait of not listening and problem solving every issue is simply a way that she controls her universe. We have been placed together for years with me wondering why I have always felt that I have to over compensate to talk with her. Also wondering why we have ended up being friendly at all? Coming across that way, I view it for myself as part of my empathetic nature. Hers comes across as bossy and self opinionated. Lol. It may all be the same in the wash. I now see it as a cautionary tale for me. I see the chance to temper my self discovery further and to use mindfulness when I speak. So I am very appreciative of what happened.

fresh eyes

My friend has returned home and overall the time spent with him as always was both refreshing and insightful. He has been so grateful for things that my family and myself have done for him, that he always talks about it. This makes us feel a bit uncomfortable as what we think we have done are things that we would naturally do for anyone. That aside,I discussed how awkward I felt this time with him, and have given it some further thought. I have come to realise from where his desire to be so forward comes from and I am surprised a bit by my revelation. He is happily married, but his wife's family have never been warm and embracing to him. My ex husband has taken that rejection to an extreme, but with my friend, I can now see how that manifests itself. We all feel that we are accepting of such life blows. We soldier on and we do not try to dwell on it too much. However, in little and sometimes big ways that stifling and stuffing down of emotions can manifest in other ways and will demand to be seen. In my seeing, I must cut him some slack. This is a person who is amazing. He is kind, generous, funny, supportive, hard working and also, sad about the one or two things in life that would complete his feelings of success and joy and he just cannot have that one little simple thing. I get it. It is really challenging to know in your heart that things can be so much better if little things shift into place. Things that can easily be achieved if the other person would see with fresh eyes. You wait forever and in the waiting you shrink a little bit every time. I relate oh so much to that. It is a difficult situation at best. Even when you give it up, you wonder about the what ifs. Eventually you come to terms with it only be moving on with other concerns and eventually it seems like a sailing ship in the far distance, you are aware of it and you remember.

drink water and mind your business

Last evening I was unaware that my friend was visiting us when he was. I was in another part of the house when I decided to venture into the kitchen. For a split second I saw only his shirt and my mind instantly thought of my fatther. My mind literally went into a tailspin in a fraction of a second, trying to reconcile the fact that it was clearly not my dad sitting in his usual place. It was so weird.I experienced 'cognative dissonance'I knew that it could not be my dad, knew that he is not alive, yet wanted to think about it nonetheless.My heart was racing while my mind was acknowledging who was actually sitting in the chair. What a moment. Recently I have actually been considering the possibiities of something or thngs coming our way in the near future dealing with us as a world not knowing the possibilities until it happens....like teleportation or invisibility...both absolutely impossible. But then, equally, every time a step is taken forward , many are taken back. Who could have foreseen the situation between Russia and Ukraine right now? Situatoins like that one make you wonder about the working of the world. What else is being produced here? Who is benefiting as people lose their lives, lives lost every moment of every day.

world expectations

Where do we all come off thinking that we are somehow owed a perfect world? That was the thought that I had after confessing about my friend, because at the bottom of the surface belief, I just considered that I expect perfection frommyself and from and of others.When you have that vibe going for yourself that plays like a background soundtrack...I did this so I expect that they will then reply by doing that....and when they don't. I am disappointed and proceed to talk shit about them to someone else who I believe would do A when I say B. What a trip.

and just like that...

There are days when I feel as though there is smoke at my fingertips. I have so much to write that it may be better to do so in point form. But the jist is that a friend of mine came home from Georgia two days ago. He made his usual beeline to our house and ended up staying over until after one in the afternoon. The weather today and yesterday has been rainy on and off and at three in the morning we could not have him leave to take a taxi to his home about twenty minutes away. I have not had a night like that in a long time. I have known him for possibly thirty-three years! WAW! The things we talk about just goes on and on.But one of the things that we faced was something that I stepped away from many years ago, and returning to it felt so wierd. I used to think that there was something romantic and actually ego stroking about a male friend telling me how comfortable, right, happy and intellectually stimulating he found me. Ok. That's all good. Thank you. I appreciate it, I think your cool too. But now that I get these comments from my married male friends, that troubles me a bit. Thanks for the complement, but what the fuck is wrong with your own relationship? I can't reconcile it somehow. I am the secret friend they want to have all of this emotional sucker from, and it feels great and its all well and good, but when I do the math, this is the fifth man I know who has moved true to form saying all of those things to me that I can do nothing with! Your wife can't stand me. You are talking about me and comparing her to me to her face! How dare you! How dare you put me into your equation without my knowledge for so damn long. THis justdoes not sit well. I can't put my finger on exactly why? But I am going to try to understand. It all feels so sad and wanting and as I stated, what can I really say? I love my male friends, but perhaps it is true, men and women cannot be friends? I have gone all the way with this spectrum, from never breaking the fourth wall, to deciding to give the relationship a romantic moment and none of it works. You just end up feeling bereft. Someone has to walk away to save the friendship. It all just sucks.

gossip, gossip

So I write in threes a lot. So more on the topic I was presenting...my friend has known me a damn long time....when I think about it it may be for something like...thirty years! Waw! OMG! Not all of it as friends per say, several as getting to know how we would navigate friendship. There was a space between us because it began as a recommendation for me to do some work for she and her husband when I was still in college. They were one of my first jobs. Then it turned into much more, as my ex husband also met them and then the friendship built from there. She was always half listening to your conversation, champing at the bit to contradict you. At one point I was afraid to say anything at all to her as I realised that she came to conclusions whether I spoke or not. Back then she concluded certain things about me and who was I to contradict her. Then when I was seperating from my husband she took his side for a very long time. I just walked away from the friendship. It was painful, but somehow I didn't hold a grudge too deeply. Years later when she was able to confide to me what was happening in her own relationship, she apologised profusely about back then. I appreciated it. But I also understood very well that someone cannot be kind or empathetic when they are blind to certain experiences. It is akin to all of the planet talking into celebrity scandal. We don't know the person and there we go talking about them as though we are invested and know them personally. So I got it. Some of that behaviour is still in effect. I have had to 'school' her sometimes for some of the things that she blurts out about me like she knows them for a fact. She also contradicts me in ways that leave me gasping for air. How can you make such blanket statements when you are doing twelve steps and all the other uber jargon laced practices of California coaches and Doctors of emotional intelligence? How? But I recoil and remind myself that I equally can be judgy and that our friendship will make all of these sticky moments pass. But, boy, while your waiting for the weather to change, it is a damn bumpy ride. Imagine telling me that I heard wrong. Or that it 'didn't happen that way, couldn't happen that way. Are you sure that that was how it went? WHAT!!!!! Am I sure!!!! I am talking about genuine trauma and you are asking me about my recall?!? WTF!!!!So I shouldn't have to justify or explain, but then it gets under my skin so bad that lashing out is the go to reflex. Listen here bitch!What a balm in my mind that makes. Listen here bitch! But instead I calmly interrupt with, do listen to what I am saying. let me go over this slowly and you can interject but hear me out... Well my friend told me yesterday about a friend she has who behaves the same way and that she finds the person rude and boring. Lol. Our conversation was so long that I did not have time to go into the fact that she was experiencing herself...and perhaps our conversation may even be...god forbid...me experiencing myself also? comme c’est horrible!!!!!