afraid to be happy

Can it be imagined that one can be terrified to be happy/ It makes no sense because the alternative of being terrified when things go wrong is such a horrible experience...and within it, you are trying to keep afloat and find some sort of light somewhere to bring you some relief1 So why is it that feeling happy makes you worry/ Why is it that you are waiting around for the proverbial shoe to drop/ In my walk yesterday, a thought came to me about happiness being a choice. It really, really is a CHOICE. It is funny to write it, but it is true. By choosing happiness, you are really acting rebelliously. You are choosing YOURSELF. You are believeing in those moments in life that we all have that we gloss over and ignore. For example, my friends who are here from America, are together and although they bicker at each other, I see their relationship as beautiful. My friend who has decided to stick out these extremely difficult times in their marriage is in her mode to survuve what they are going through together. I totally get that she cannot see such monets as beautiful right now. She has to get past the hurt, resentment, hard work, betrayal, shame...you name what she has put on herself and him based on everything over the last eight years. Yet, as a friend, I told her that she may not want to hear it or acknowledge it, but they are sweet together. To see them laugh at the same things and finish each others sentances is charming. My heart warms to see that. Life is going to scare you, make you cry and want to die. It takes loves of your life away from you. It upends plans. It prooves you wrong all the time. You have not a shred of a guarantee about life other than the fact that it will change and that your life shall end one day. Should you fear being happy/ HELL NO.

It is so funny. To me, I see that everyone I know and myself are always wishing for more time. Being in this new environment, I have the opportunity to reorder everything that I do. I have found that the new surroundings have pried me from some old ways of thinking just by re-ordering the way I have had to do things. I have some opportunities here that I would not have under any other circumstances and I acknowledge that and must be grateful. The month has now begun and I really want to start getting my professional act together. It has been the only thing...and to me, the most serious thing...that I have not had a hold on yet, and that must change this month. Being closer to all of the major activities of the city is a huge boon. I love being able to get things done quickly and inexpensively. I have not given myself any thought on moving on from teaching. But it is always in my mind. I am here for four months, so who is to know that the end of the year shall be more of the same/ I don't know how I would handle teaching and having to be in this area in the future/ Some serious compromises would have to take place and I cannot say what they are just yet. I find it interesting to be at this sort of crossroads. Ultimately the only thing keeping such a decision is a financial one. I have the time to consider what I want to do next and that is always exciting and where I should put my focus.

now

So a month has passed and a few days. My world completely turned around because of the impulsivity of my ex-husband. What has that meant for me/ It has slowed down my day and my thinking. I am no longer focusing only on myself, my mother and aunt and then my daughter, as she was with him.No. I can now put her first for real for this period of time. She and I have always been able to talk to each other. We confided that the whole situation is weird that first week. We blundered through the poor arrangements he made.My first full day was one where I met her teachers and friends. I have seen my child grow from being tentative and practically withdrawn, to being literally rescued. She hugs,she thanks, she dances, she laughs so hard that she doubles over with it. My darling girl. My ex-husband does not mean to be so deficient. He just does not know how to be that nurturer she desperately needs. He really believes that buying things and having things in their house is all that he needs to do. I have helped her with assignments and taking her up on her exams, and made her learning less tressful. Our routines that I have no trouble doing, like ironing her clothes, holding her bag for school as we walk to it and making up her bed to give her a little extra time to exhale are things that I do to take the load, literally off of her back.She was practically doing all of those things and he was spending very little time with her pre-trip abroad for four months.He buys things, yes. But, as stated, I see the things he doesn't know he needs for her too. I actually empathise, as he never seeks out support from anyone as far as I gather. His mother before she passed away would have guided him somewhat.My daughter can finally bring her friends over to visit, and they have been here twice. I got his house cleaned by my mother's House Keeper. We have done a lot.

endlessly possible

Yet another question put to myself. What am I happy about doing/ having/being...from simple things like the fact that the charger is next to the couch and after complaining that I had to sit next to the refrigerator to use the one there, which was very awkward....so I feel so much happier about that. hot coco....something I used to hate and now feel soooo goood to consume. knitted socks...when under the comforter it is the best. cotton sports bras....way better than lacy bras....fresh flowers in a vase....bindge watching great show that you knew nothing about....perfume with rose as the base...languages...listening...talking...water in all its forms...nature....architecture....woodwork...sculpture...art...jewellery....natural gemstones...all types of cuisine...fresh raspberries...blueberries....strawberries...peaches...sushi...ceramics...fabrics...handmade books...journals...massages...travel...

There has been lots and lots of writing about so many plans for so many things. Some started, some incomplete and of course some never realized beyong the page.I am so happy that I have come to embrace the process and to stop wigging out about what cannot be finished. I read somewhere recently that we are not meant to finish everything we want to do, and that was a relief for sure. I cannot begin to write what a pleasure it is to plan and plot and start, stop, start, work, work work and see results and get the results acknowledged and get more things to work on and to feel like your having the most exquisite meal because it fills your soul so very much. Today as I was out and about I dared to consider this being my work from now on...work where my hours that I cling to as creative time is monetarily spoken for...meaning, my time that is my own happens because it is mine to spend without worry about anything at all.Again, I marvel because I am actually within this plan right now.I say more please to shows being asked of me to do....of projects where people say they want it by such and such date and I am just vibing, going from one amazing project to the next and everything that has to be paid for and invested and used to help family and myself are all just falling into place.I say, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....what a joy to me......what a delight to follow that thought.

Happenstance

I was out the other day a few days before carnival. coming back from dropping my daughter off to school and i was not thinking of anything in particular when I just got a sort of message telling me about confidence. I saw how much it matters. now, one would say simply, of course it matters. We all know this. But the revelation for me is a combination of knowing and acting on what is known. I find that it takes time to get to a place where you know. But sometimes, as I had done many times as a child, I just knew. Not only did I know, I acted on the knowing. What excilleration whenever it befalls me. That day when the word came to me, I had one of many of those moments where I wished that I could just send the thoughts to this diary right away. If I were able to do so, much of the nuance that meant so much would not be lost only to be replaced with this writing. It shall have to do. I also thought that I would also follow other people in my family. Follow their perceived stories based on their past choices. It sounds so clinical...I wondered about where we begin...as my ex-husband and I did. Those early days that if I had been allowed to speak to myself in the guise of someone else to tell me the outcome, would I have changed a thing/ Probably not, as the outcome would not completely bother me if everyone turned out ok in the end. I might have asked whether we would remain friends. I think that it has been the deaths that have devastated. Those have torn me assunder. Those I did not see coming. Yet, I am grateful for the time that was given and used as we used it. So, i was looking at other people's lives and wondering about their trajectory/ Did they think that they got everything wrong/ Did they consider that they made a wrong step or went down the wrong path/ It is highly likely. But, consider all that was also gained by not taking the constantly trodden roads.Consider too the wealth of learning befalling the change in perspective that you would never have saught if you got all that you wanted.

encounter

My ex-husband's plans for everything to go smoothly when he left the country and arranged for my daughter and I to stay at his home....is (as expected) full of holes. Being in his home has taken an adjustment. I have not had to communicate with him much. But yesterday was an exception in terms of back and forth writing.This has brought me here today because I have a predicament. This four month stay would be best handled as many men consider with women...ie: silence. I do not want to communicate with him because he doesn't know how to do it. He now wants to adjust the arrangement, which I knew he would do. In fact, it is all of his usual stupid moves that irk me so, so I have to do something about that. One of the moves is his trying to show me that he is in some kind of control over the situation. That can be simply dealt with as I did recently with the first presentation made by him . I aquiesced. It was nothing to allow. But his need to control me is maddening! I want to scream!!!