revelation time
In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
today went rather badly
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
AF's Be Gone
To throw off the yolk of the AF's is something that I want to consciously acknowledge. How do I do this?I do this by validating myself.I do this with the following mantra-:
* What I think is important to my well being.
* My plans are possible and definitely achievable.
* My feelings and decisions matter to me and are relevant.
* Not agreeing or seeing eye to eye with my parents is not going to kill me.
* Respect is a two-way street,not a one way highway.I cannot support bullying tactics. I will retaliate an/or react.
This is a big deal for me. Although I began my adult life with a clear idea of what I wanted to do,to be educated,to have my profession,I also found myself losing my way sometimes...although I never left my profession during trying times.
Now, I say to myself,live,have the experiences that I want,know that if one thing fails or is slow in working out,that I have other options. Know that I can survive, I can make that change. Just know that I can succeed.
To throw off the yolk of the AF's is something that I want to consciously acknowledge. How do I do this?I do this by validating myself.I do this with the following mantra-:
* What I think is important to my well being.
* My plans are possible and definitely achievable.
* My feelings and decisions matter to me and are relevant.
* Not agreeing or seeing eye to eye with my parents is not going to kill me.
* Respect is a two-way street,not a one way highway.I cannot support bullying tactics. I will retaliate an/or react.
This is a big deal for me. Although I began my adult life with a clear idea of what I wanted to do,to be educated,to have my profession,I also found myself losing my way sometimes...although I never left my profession during trying times.
Now, I say to myself,live,have the experiences that I want,know that if one thing fails or is slow in working out,that I have other options. Know that I can survive, I can make that change. Just know that I can succeed.
Ode to joy
My goodness, what a difference a day and another perspective can give.Today i heard from my uncle in Canada. He has been here three times for the year,and this last time, he had a long talk with my ex-husband.I have come to now understand that he would prefer not to have me stay at his home. He cannot come out and say this to me,so he has been beating around the bush and involving my ex-husband in conversation.
So why am I writing such a title on this blog?I have woken up!I am clear at last! It has taken a very long time for me to get here. But now that I have done so, there is certainly no going back to past behavior. I have given people I call 'authority figures'control of my life. I yield to their perceived knowledge over my own. This is my most trying trait. These AF's are my parents,elder family members,my boss and anyone who is older and seems to have a title. It's not everybody, but the habit can be seen in my life in the guise of such. Now my ex-husband is younger than I, so how did he factor into AF, he does this by using the script of appearing to have facts and data to suggest to me that he knows more than I do.
My history with this embarrasses me. I have been afraid to make decisions because of the pressure I have felt about this.
But now that I can look at it for what it was, I now feel that I can move forward.
So why am I writing such a title on this blog?I have woken up!I am clear at last! It has taken a very long time for me to get here. But now that I have done so, there is certainly no going back to past behavior. I have given people I call 'authority figures'control of my life. I yield to their perceived knowledge over my own. This is my most trying trait. These AF's are my parents,elder family members,my boss and anyone who is older and seems to have a title. It's not everybody, but the habit can be seen in my life in the guise of such. Now my ex-husband is younger than I, so how did he factor into AF, he does this by using the script of appearing to have facts and data to suggest to me that he knows more than I do.
My history with this embarrasses me. I have been afraid to make decisions because of the pressure I have felt about this.
But now that I can look at it for what it was, I now feel that I can move forward.
Monday, June 28, 2010
once more from the peanut gallery
Our little one was ill today, so we both rushed into parents with sick child mode. When we are in it,we are like old times,including wanting to take up all of her attention.(Although this blog is private,I have been guarding against saying the sex of my child, but I just let it slip and I have decided that my pre-empting this information makes no sense,so I shan't continue to do that here anymore.)
I have had that sort of day,a day where I have looked back on my past and have had to just say that I must move forward once and for all.We went to the councillor and then we actually went out to eat together.I cannot recall when we have done this before,other than when we were married.
I want to process the evening a bit more before I write further.It affected both of us quite a bit.Much occupies my thoughts,because of all that I have been through most recently. Life is so short,so much time is wasted. So much said cannot be taken back.
What I got out of this last encounter with the councillor is that going over the same ground all the time when actually we have the same desires for our daughter is such that someone has to give. Someone has to let go of the desire to be right.
I always feel that it is me, but this evening,I saw that the very thing that I claim not to be and the very thing that I say that I want,I may very well have been repelling it in the very person I wanted it from.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson for 2010,and that is,finding another way to look at an issue that has been looked at one way.
Our little one was ill today, so we both rushed into parents with sick child mode. When we are in it,we are like old times,including wanting to take up all of her attention.(Although this blog is private,I have been guarding against saying the sex of my child, but I just let it slip and I have decided that my pre-empting this information makes no sense,so I shan't continue to do that here anymore.)
I have had that sort of day,a day where I have looked back on my past and have had to just say that I must move forward once and for all.We went to the councillor and then we actually went out to eat together.I cannot recall when we have done this before,other than when we were married.
I want to process the evening a bit more before I write further.It affected both of us quite a bit.Much occupies my thoughts,because of all that I have been through most recently. Life is so short,so much time is wasted. So much said cannot be taken back.
What I got out of this last encounter with the councillor is that going over the same ground all the time when actually we have the same desires for our daughter is such that someone has to give. Someone has to let go of the desire to be right.
I always feel that it is me, but this evening,I saw that the very thing that I claim not to be and the very thing that I say that I want,I may very well have been repelling it in the very person I wanted it from.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson for 2010,and that is,finding another way to look at an issue that has been looked at one way.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Agreement
We agree to proceed as follows for the good of our child-:
1. See to our child's Canadian status.
2. Secure financial supports for our child's future.
3. Work together to maintain a cordial relationship for our child's sake.
Cordiality means showing interest and regard for the other. Working out issues as reasonably as we can, in areas of great difficulty, being willing to have a third party assist.
4. This agreement means that activities involving our child must be observed. This includes as well,doing our best to give a secure family life to our child. We should mark holidays, birthdays and overall, endeavour to put our child's needs above our own.
5. This document must also take into account unforeseen circumstances and how to handle them. If one of us is not working, or one of us forms another relationship with someone else, this document should come up as first priority over our personal needs. Thus it must be fair, and in order for it to be fair, WE must establish a better relationship with the other. This must be part of the agreement. Neither party can work responsibly or to the best of their ability if the other party insists on being litigious or sabotaging in any way. This document MUST be able to assist us in doing what is best for our child at all times.
5. Within reason after the initial trial of working together, we should renew this document and amend it as necessary.
1. See to our child's Canadian status.
2. Secure financial supports for our child's future.
3. Work together to maintain a cordial relationship for our child's sake.
Cordiality means showing interest and regard for the other. Working out issues as reasonably as we can, in areas of great difficulty, being willing to have a third party assist.
4. This agreement means that activities involving our child must be observed. This includes as well,doing our best to give a secure family life to our child. We should mark holidays, birthdays and overall, endeavour to put our child's needs above our own.
5. This document must also take into account unforeseen circumstances and how to handle them. If one of us is not working, or one of us forms another relationship with someone else, this document should come up as first priority over our personal needs. Thus it must be fair, and in order for it to be fair, WE must establish a better relationship with the other. This must be part of the agreement. Neither party can work responsibly or to the best of their ability if the other party insists on being litigious or sabotaging in any way. This document MUST be able to assist us in doing what is best for our child at all times.
5. Within reason after the initial trial of working together, we should renew this document and amend it as necessary.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)