Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.

What to believe

Tonight in class, something trigged an old feeling inside me and I felt as though the full brunt of the extent to which I am saddened by the loss of my marriage was felt. It came over me very suddenly and felt very heavy. I was in class, so I could really do nothing about it but clear my thoughts as quickly as it happened. I was very, very surprised. It just came out of the blue. I do not know whether it is happening because now that Another R is showing interest in me, and I am again asking myself the questions that  seems relevant to me. I admit some apprehension and trepidation...even fear in venturing forward with someone new. My first ex, before I let him know that I got the distinct hint that he was reconciling...and I suspect that he never was not reconciling...but that is another matter....I am feeling like my thoughts are all over the place and not only unclear, but clouded and even a bit crazy! I am concerned about feeling all of these things.
R has expressed certain interest. Unlike my first ex, my relationship with him is on another level. But R has taken up a very complicated job that has him having to travel all over the world. To get involved with him may leave me just a woman in one of his ports of call, and I have told him this.
I do not know what to expect with him? Weeks ago I would not have given this any thought, but now, I feel torn about the very thing that years ago had me feverish with wonder.
Here again is no real guarantee that what it may be is only going to be sex in the moment. I am not sure that I want to experience that? That isn't-what I want.
I did not think about what it would mean this far ahead over the last few weeks until the issue with my ex made me see how much I do NOT want certain things, and want others.
Then tonight, a freight train could have passed over me when I thought of how much I missed the best things about my marriage, including that I did not have to get to know any new man. Somehow this is proving to be the challenge. On the one hand, having a person like my ex to fool around with was a nice, safeish thing to do...until it got complicated when he could not perform adequately. That got me off the hook because despite all that he was doing prior to that was making me wonder whether he might be someone to want to take more steps with. But I now know that the same issues apply today as it did when we broke up. I find that I do indeed represent something to him that he does not actually represent to me to adequately go forward with him confidant that he is the one.
Now, the other person inspires many things in me as well.... But he does not live in the same country. So what the hell am I pursuing then? What can I expect to get out of such a situation? A good time? Nothing much more? Am I too old fashioned?
Is it that I had a sudden yearning for my ex husband because I am not comfortable in the post marriage world where starting all over again can feel awkward and be filled with problems that I do not want to have to run through men to resolve...and would not run through men anyway because I am not like that and it isn't like I am on the prowl.
All of this sounds very ligitimate I have to sit with these feelings some more and just feel out what it means and what I should do about it.

Interesting

When it rains it pours. Between yesterday and today I have received much attention. One is a surprise but in another way, both were expected, it just had to do with timing. The greater question for me is whether I am calling these things to me? I think probably. But, what is the outcome to be? I went to visit my ex's house and I was really moved by all that he has managed to accomplish. He is a bit bitter because he is most likely not going to get to live in it again very soon, when he moves out all together. He showed me all that he had put into it, and the sort of decisions he had made when they first bought the property. I made him aware that he can do even better and create something even more amazing.
I have been writing about him a great deal, and I have gone against my word a hundred times where he is concerned. It is as though part of me is more curious than prudent and I just want to feel something different sometimes. But it is more than that. I genuinely care about him. So imagine my surprise when everything goes pear shaped with him? Somehow, he gets performance anxiety and the whole thing feels just awkward and sad.
Then today, my new friend, whom I have been chatting with for several months now has sort of made his interest known and then acted upon it. I shudder to think the number or millions on people on Skype who have used it for all types of foreplay!
What all of this is making me wonder, is what am I going to do? What exactly is going to happen? I did not expect all of this in this way.
My ex lives here, so he is the most immediate person. But unlike my friends, I do not have an active sex life. In fact I could still say, what sex life? At my age, I am sort of set in my ways. Wondering what all of this means now? It feels strange because it has been so very, very long.

So, we are standing there kissing and slowly taking the clothing of the other off, and we spy the bathroom. He steps away from me, and as though we have been together forever, he looks around for towels and I scout for soaps and body scrubs. We kiss again and we go exploring the bathroom, that turns out to have a sunken tub and as the water quickly fills up, w
I sit at the tub and he slowly undressed further, before me.
My heart is in my throat as he does this, because he is indeed a walking Popsicle. I want to devour him instantly.
But instead I stand and do my own striptease and as I get down to removing my bra, and just standing there in my lacy panties, I hear him expel his breath, saying to me, I didn't realize that I was holding my breath and then you go and take it completely away from me.
I blush and he kisses me again as we step into the wonderful, warm water.
..............
He has his strong hands in my hair and pushes my head back slightly as he takes my mouth again. He feels so hard all over and I am shivering with delight.
He moved one hand behind me and reaches for the liquid soap and it slides down our stomachs and as we move closer, the lather foams up and smells of roses and lavender. He bends slightly and licks my now taught nipple and sucks on it and as he does this, caressing my breast, I moan into his mouth. This is an amazing feeling as his cock begins to strain against by stomach, I reach down to touch his beautiful length and he let's out a low guttural moan of delight. He turns me around under the warm sorry and caresses my breasts and down my stomach to the heat between my legs, that he parts and caresses with assurance as he leans my head back and kisses me deeply again, pushing his erection against my ass, getting me very turned on.
I lean forward and his hands caress my ass then and he kisses down my back and kneels and takes my warm, wet centre into his mouth, licking me to perfection, then placing his finger over my clit and lovingly rubbing it. I cannot believe how skilled he is, and I am very vocally moaning and pushing myself against him.
He stands again and bends me over, entering me with such thoroughness that we both moan loudly, his hands over my breasts again and his mouth on mine as I tilt up, greedily wanting to feel him in every way.
We both keep moaning from deep in our throats and I feel his body tightening around me as he whispers to me that he is fuming for me so hard, and then I hear him give a loud, guttural moan and his head goes back for a few seconds, his body undulating around me as I too cum, telling him so, as he continues to embrace me, his chest heaving with the exertion of the moment.
As I come to myself and my head bobs forward, and I look him in the yes, he smiled at me with his whole face and gives me a laugh of triumph and as I smile back, he grabs my neck and kisses me deeply again. Only then does he s.ip out of me.
We catch our breaths, and bath each other quickly and towel the other. We seem giddy with joy, but we are also tired, and as we get to the large, plush bed, we collapse into it when he raises the duvet. I get in and he embraces me and kisses my ear, whispering to me how fantastic that was, and how much he enjoyed every moment of it and does not wNt to let me go.
.........
We quietly doze and when I awaken, he is standing looking out at the evening turning to dusk. He has ordered food for us and turns to look at me. He is wearing only shorts with his belt loose, and he makes my breath catch in my throat as I look at him looking at me.
No regrets he says softly and reaches for my hand, turning it up and kissing it.
No, none, I reply. His eyes are raking over my naked state.
I watched you as you slept. You look so beautiful, he tells me, as he sits on the bed and reaches for my neck to kiss me long and deep. I am all worked up again.
..........
He lays my hand over his arousal and I place my hand inside his pants, happy to see that he has nothing else on under it. I squeeze him lightly and whisper in his ear that this is the best meal that I have ever shared.
He looks at me and gets over me then, kissing me continuously and shimmying out of his pants.

A few days ago my neighbor and I went to a large mall to do a project. I had not wanted to go. It would take up time from important school work, and she has a tendency to get easily side tracked. But I had promised her, and so, I went. Well, after the prize giving, which was the project for her paper, we went to the food court. While there a very handsome and well built Indian guy came up to look at the pastry menu at the spot we chose. He was wearing one of those school tee shirts with the trademark and khaki shorts, very relaxed. I looked at him and chided him, half asking, half telling him that I hoped that he really went to Warton's.
We got into a lovely conversation right off the bat, and it felt completely easy with him. However, we were both dragged back to earth by the people around me and those around him. I did not even get to ask his name or to give him mine.
This is the second time in months that I have met a man who attracts me in such a way. So much so that last night I decided to actually fantasize about him. It was completely sinfully decadent and satisfying.
I could actually see the scenario unfold to perfection and I was quite impressed with how far and how detailed my mind can be. What I liked about doing what I did, fantasizing about someone I only spoke to for a short time, was that it showed me how far I have come. I can think about a possibility without restriction. So I want to write what I thought about here.
............
I was out, somewhere, perhaps the bank and I had just completed my business and as I went to turn to leave, securing my money in my purse, I literally bounced right into him again.
I started to say, oh, I'm so sorry, my hand had gone out to steady myself as I was turning and I felt his hard thigh against my hip. I looked up a bit flustered and came away smiling, as he instantly recognized me, as I did him.
What are you doing here? He asks me, and his infectious smile has me smiling back like a drooling school girl. I say, what one does at a bank, how are you? Your still here?
yes, he says, I don' t want to leave I told you.
You did tell me.
We look at each other for a moment, and I blush and look down at my bag and shove my ourselves at last into my bag.
Hey, he asks, as we clearly both have been to the bank, how about lunch?
I look at him and smile and I say, sure. That would be fine.
He puts out his hand to have me walk ahead of him, and we exit the bank. He has a rental car and I get into it. I am completely comfortable with him, and I am very beautifully dressed. He also looks as gorgeous as ever in another tight tee shirt and jeans that fit him very well and sandals.
As we drive off, I ask him where he would like to go, at the same time he asks me. We both laugh nervously and he looks at me again, with a deeply penetrating gaze. I suggest one thing and he suggests another. We drive down the Woodbrook strip and then he says, very impulsively, do you mind if I say something to you?
I give him a look of, I suppose?!
Can we just skip the formality for now. I would just like to make love to you.
I burst into a short giggle before I look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I was hoping that he would indeed move past formality.
He smiles back at me and as he heads towards The Marriote, he reassures me that he is never this forward, and I let him know that neither am I, but that somehow, this does not seem to me to be wrong or too soon.
He gives me a wistful look, his eyes smiling along with his lovely lips.
He finds a parking space, and we go into the hotel. He holds my hand, our first physical contact, and I feel no concern about anything.
We get into the elevator and we are still holding hands. We do not need to say anything, and as the doors open, he leads me down the corridor. He has the key to swipe the door and we have a moment of giggles as it gives him a moment or two to hear the click.
As the door opens, the room is perfectly warm and sophisticated. But I barely register this, because he takes me into his arms and kisses me so perfectly that my head spins.

Now

Feeling flu...eeee tonight and able to spend some time not thinking about school work or projects...although I did, I had a moment to get a gist of a future project that I would like to do. I had collected a number of images of women last carnival and tonight I saw them done on voille and other filmy materials, in plain white frames. Sometimes I would add a bit of color to define what they were wearing. From seeing these pieces on a white wall in my mind, I formed an idea for the work that I was supposed to do for Jouvert. I will also include a Performance for the show. I have not worked on my own stuff for quite some time, and I got very excited about what I imagined. I may even be able to start as soon as I feel better. I think that I have some netting already.
This is how I shall combat my dirty little demons. I will shore up my highest good. I shall be my cheering squad. I will be my lover and believer and muse and friend.I always have been anyway.
I will talk to myself when I am tired and want to believe that I am stupid and unable to stand on my own two feet, and I shall say....is that all you got? And plow through and do what makes me so damn amazing, because I know that I am amazing.
Before I met him, I was very self contained, but there was this little cancer growing in me telling me that who was I kidding, I could not make such a living with what I believed I wanted to be doing. For a very long time that even seemed to be true.
But guess what?I do not believe that bullshit for a minute anymore.
I am exactly the right person that I am meant to be AT&T is very time,and I will succeed.

Finding out about myself

So often I think that I have taken way too long to get it.dealing with my ex husband today and hearing by the way about one of his brothers doing well, I felt a pang of sadness.when I bothered to probe my thoughts I realized that anything that bugs me is always about myself and about things that I secretly want for myself but have not accomplished as yet.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.