Life is so very interesting. From one week to another, so many things can happen.
My almost tryst has been sending me emotacons and trying to test the waters with me. Depending on how I feel, I shall just let him know what happened, if he chooses to be thick about it.
Then the other person has also been sending me texts and calling, and the most interesting thing is that some very important information that impacts his business fell into my lap completely by surprise.
When I was told, my fingers raced across my phone in seconds, it was that serious. How it came to me in itself was very unexpected.

My schedule has finally slackened a bit, so I can finally breathe out a bit and do some very important things for myself.
I have not been successful in really reducing the things I have to do. I am as busy as ever, and even with my workload reduced, I still have enough to take up all of my time.

I am looking forward to making the things that I am setting out to make and doing the projects that I know will be the start of exciting things to come.

For the last few days I have thought quite a bit on what happened with both men. every cliche in the book seems to have been achieved. They both omitted information and both expected that they could just go on with business as usual.having experienced that, despite myself, I wonder about my own standards. Yet, these have been men who have been in my life for a very long time, so this is more about my own personal growth and the simple fact that I believed something at one point that I no longer believe as I move toward where I really want to be. That is really at the crux of the matter, and I am also wondering about my next move. At my age the cliche divorcee does not appeal to me. The dating scene does not either? The person suited for me may come along, who knows? I do know that there are enough things taking up my time to not have me feel like I need to worry about it too much. But I admit that there are moments when I would like to know that there is someone in my personal life. What these last two weeks makes me wonder is whether I may have been unclear myself about what I wanted to experience? I do not think so? Although I was relieved in both instances, at the way things went. I would not have liked to have taken either issue further and felt that it was all a farce. I think that I knew deep down that I did not want either thing in the bigger scheme of things. Both suggested a great deal of adjustment down the road that could not be guaranteed. I do not know whether it is that these men just have fantasies and are actually unwilling or afraid to act on them? I cannot say? I believed most of what they said to me, and what they implied, and what I did not believe, I confronted head on. I also believed that they do see my friendship as important. I think that neither of them is in a really good place right now, and I am a dangerous distraction, so I have taken myself out of the equation. They have both shown me a bit about my own value. They have reminded me that I am attractive beyond my own beliefs, I have much in my person to be proud of, and they did and do show me love in their own ways. Have much for which to be grateful. They are lovely men when I come right down to it, but at this time, neither suit what I really do want. They are not really free, and even if they were, neither may be right for me. Knowing this already, is a good thing for me.

Perspective is an amazing thing. I have had certain views about two men I have known for more than a decade, and now I feel differently about it all. This came about because they chose to say something to me that clued in to their motives.At this time I believe that both know that they have screwed up, and today I dealt with both of them in different ways. One I ignored and the other, I kept to professional conversation. I plan to stay that way. I was really disappointed with him. He really had me believing that we could get together. I had put having any feelings for him behind me, and he encouraged me to think that we were actually building something together, just repeating that makes me feel I'll! Ugh. Now that I am annoyed, I have no patience, as both are acting as though nothing of any great consequence has occurred. But I would prefer and should talk about what this revelation means to me now. I have to admit that a weight has been taken from me. I had no idea the amount of energy I was giving to supposition. my desire right now is to focus on things that I want to do. Last night as I gave thought to my day, which was spent preparing and supporting my mom as she helped a friend celebrate their hundredth birthday....I got a clear idea for the long suffering project that I was working on. I also have a few outstanding things to complete and to focus on creating my own work. All of this has me excited, and that is way more important to me than anything else.

My feelings today was such that I am appreciative of what I had written in my last entry. Over the last few months I have had some lovely talks online with someone I have liked for more than a decade. he has made me feel that the interest is mutual, and he has been my friend in the sincerest way, so I am not perturbed that this situation is not genuine. However, I am upset because he had put to me that we needed to meet, and he said this to me last year. With what I thought was the best intentions to make good on this decision. He has since not been able to meet these words spoken to me. It prooved so concerning to me at one point because I had made a gift for him that had to be printed, and I had gone out of my way to do so some time ago. Then lately I was looking for a box to put his gift in. Anyway, this time he surprised me and said that he would be here, and then he mentioned that he would be coming on business with his brother. Ok, so he was not coming to see me. This was no big deal, he always makes the time to see me anyway. He asks me to find out some information about a place to hold his meeting and despite my exhaustion from a week of intense work, I press my neighbor into doing a favor for me.(I never ask her, and she always asks me...so I was able to get her to do it) and she likes him a great deal, so she finds out the information for me, which I get to him. Then, bam, he cannot make it. So I deduce that he would be where he is for a few days longer and I ask him some leading questions to see where he is standing. His replies suggest to me that he is either distracted or I am very mistaken about where I stand with him. He then makes this clearer to me when he starts complaining about his wife searching through his phone...again. Hello. You told me that you had separated and that you had moved out. I felt so stupid. So very stupid! Then so angry that I ever took on anything that he had said to me. I appreciate it though, because I could have found myself really set up. So it is indeed for the best.

Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.

What to believe

Tonight in class, something trigged an old feeling inside me and I felt as though the full brunt of the extent to which I am saddened by the loss of my marriage was felt. It came over me very suddenly and felt very heavy. I was in class, so I could really do nothing about it but clear my thoughts as quickly as it happened. I was very, very surprised. It just came out of the blue. I do not know whether it is happening because now that Another R is showing interest in me, and I am again asking myself the questions that  seems relevant to me. I admit some apprehension and trepidation...even fear in venturing forward with someone new. My first ex, before I let him know that I got the distinct hint that he was reconciling...and I suspect that he never was not reconciling...but that is another matter....I am feeling like my thoughts are all over the place and not only unclear, but clouded and even a bit crazy! I am concerned about feeling all of these things.
R has expressed certain interest. Unlike my first ex, my relationship with him is on another level. But R has taken up a very complicated job that has him having to travel all over the world. To get involved with him may leave me just a woman in one of his ports of call, and I have told him this.
I do not know what to expect with him? Weeks ago I would not have given this any thought, but now, I feel torn about the very thing that years ago had me feverish with wonder.
Here again is no real guarantee that what it may be is only going to be sex in the moment. I am not sure that I want to experience that? That isn't-what I want.
I did not think about what it would mean this far ahead over the last few weeks until the issue with my ex made me see how much I do NOT want certain things, and want others.
Then tonight, a freight train could have passed over me when I thought of how much I missed the best things about my marriage, including that I did not have to get to know any new man. Somehow this is proving to be the challenge. On the one hand, having a person like my ex to fool around with was a nice, safeish thing to do...until it got complicated when he could not perform adequately. That got me off the hook because despite all that he was doing prior to that was making me wonder whether he might be someone to want to take more steps with. But I now know that the same issues apply today as it did when we broke up. I find that I do indeed represent something to him that he does not actually represent to me to adequately go forward with him confidant that he is the one.
Now, the other person inspires many things in me as well.... But he does not live in the same country. So what the hell am I pursuing then? What can I expect to get out of such a situation? A good time? Nothing much more? Am I too old fashioned?
Is it that I had a sudden yearning for my ex husband because I am not comfortable in the post marriage world where starting all over again can feel awkward and be filled with problems that I do not want to have to run through men to resolve...and would not run through men anyway because I am not like that and it isn't like I am on the prowl.
All of this sounds very ligitimate I have to sit with these feelings some more and just feel out what it means and what I should do about it.

Interesting

When it rains it pours. Between yesterday and today I have received much attention. One is a surprise but in another way, both were expected, it just had to do with timing. The greater question for me is whether I am calling these things to me? I think probably. But, what is the outcome to be? I went to visit my ex's house and I was really moved by all that he has managed to accomplish. He is a bit bitter because he is most likely not going to get to live in it again very soon, when he moves out all together. He showed me all that he had put into it, and the sort of decisions he had made when they first bought the property. I made him aware that he can do even better and create something even more amazing.
I have been writing about him a great deal, and I have gone against my word a hundred times where he is concerned. It is as though part of me is more curious than prudent and I just want to feel something different sometimes. But it is more than that. I genuinely care about him. So imagine my surprise when everything goes pear shaped with him? Somehow, he gets performance anxiety and the whole thing feels just awkward and sad.
Then today, my new friend, whom I have been chatting with for several months now has sort of made his interest known and then acted upon it. I shudder to think the number or millions on people on Skype who have used it for all types of foreplay!
What all of this is making me wonder, is what am I going to do? What exactly is going to happen? I did not expect all of this in this way.
My ex lives here, so he is the most immediate person. But unlike my friends, I do not have an active sex life. In fact I could still say, what sex life? At my age, I am sort of set in my ways. Wondering what all of this means now? It feels strange because it has been so very, very long.