Sometimes

Two relatives died within days of each other this week.They lived together and their father died in April. With all the work that I had to do, I was also faced with the shock of these developments. Their deaths have caused much introspection about duty and relationships in general. I did not know them very well. They were quiet, retiring people, and the pace and attitudes set by the older people in the family, and their behavior as well, never led one to venture to press them to do things that other family members did as a matter of course. What their lives show me is that no ones way of life is to be judged unworthy or less than another. They may not have sought a fast lifestyle. They may not have courted friendships...but they mattered to each other. They did not come into the world and take from it and give nothing back. They were dutiful to their parents to the end, and I believe that their deaths groove that they were indeed their parents sons....come to support them and to leave without fuss. It must have been a decision made in the ether, to support each other....the ultimate gift of love. ................................. Meanwhile, The Towers and I have had some very long talks. We are now on better footing. It is working out better. I feel less stressed by him now. I am still working on how to have a good friendship with him, but things have improved sharply for the better. .................................

What I would tell myself if I knew me

Stop the worrying and judging yourself, and the caring how your failures may appear to others. You are here for so much more, and all of that worry is keeping you from getting where you know you need to be. You have been separated from love and from closest friendship. Left to be with family, and in a part time less paying job....all for a reason that says, you are enough.....and anyone trying to break this strength is not welcome. You heard yourself quite well,and you know what you do not want. So go be the best you, right now, and move forward.

That damned ego

The ego is so smooth.....sheesh! When I read over what I wrote,...I want an apology.... I sound like a petulant child. I had what is called in our slang...ah teef head. I have been working myself up into a lather about these topics. As though searching for the best way to get myself to pay attention to sabotaging feelings. I know that that is so because I am not achieving anything that propels me forward. I am stuck in the past by indulging such thought, If I don't get what I secretly want, then I will torture myself with verbal flagellation. What a thing, I must be vigilant.

A good thing

I used to think that I "feel" too much, I am too sensitive. But now I know that there is nothing wrong with that. When I am aware of sensations around me, it is actually an opportunity to check my emotional temperature and that of those engaging me. Some of the feelings are...sadness, disappointment, concern, worry....anxiety based things based on ways that I have approached things in my recent past. So, imagine when I read this today..." Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson I found that so refreshing. I am quarrelsome with myself....going over silliness. At the crux of things is the fact that the evidence before me in the instances that still irk me, I decided to take some risks, put my feelings out there, test the waters... And I feel like it was for nothing. This is not true when I think on it rationally. I found out things, made decisions, saw how people behave and made strong choices...but sometimes you do not win friends and influence people by your actions. I did something stupid and did it for reasons that felt right at the time and when I knew better, I did better....but hurting someone in the process upsets me, because I never wanted to do that. Yet I think that in the end, everything was weirdly helpful because it may have finally ended something that was pathologically unhealthy for me. I want to confront this situation....and I do not know if it is just something that I shall have to live with. But this poor me archetype that I used to embrace, I now better now that I know that I am no victim. I also know that despite feeling bad to have hurt the person, I also know that my friend is in an abusive relationship, deeply, deeply afraid of changing and moving on because it has been so comfortable to pretend that everything is great. The other thing....I get mad because I think I got taken by a con artist. There was a lead on that I never fully felt. Yet I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. I want to write all of this down to really get a handle on myself. The situation that I was talking about could only happen with someone I have known for a very long time. I want an apology.....that's why I am not settled. I want an apology from both people for taking advantage of my friendship, regard and love. There, I said it. I W A N T A N A P O L O G Y. So right now, I think that I need to imagine how I would feel if I got what I wanted.

Latest

Hmmmm. So much NOT going on. But that is always a good thing. I am old enough to know that whatever I am not missing, I do not need to miss. The Towers checks up on me every week now. It is a bit annoying because to me he is doing this purely because he is idle. I would much prefer he come clean and say whatever he needs to say, but I am afraid that he is clueless....and the last time I dealt with a man being that clueless, I knew that my relationship was in deep trouble. What annoys me most though is that it still gets a reaction out of me, and that nibbling trifle is very off putting. Why is it still hanging around? Did I think that we might have had something for a moment there? Perhaps..but what gets me is that I gave it a chance at all! I am kind of mad at myself still for giving him so much of my time, energy, affection etc. He appeared one way and now seems like a complete douche! I know that it is better to know this now than later, but it still irks me. I suppose that the feeling will run it's course and eventually fall away of it's own weight. The other weighed down feeling comes from my ex and the crap I got involved in. I would never have pit myself into such a situation other than him. I trusted him. But then, if I really follow the thread of this, he was really, really very conflicted and I cannot help him. He has to confront himself. He has told so many, many, many lies about his feelings, needs and wants...even about his abilities in his career...he has spent a great deal of time molding himself to fit an image that he does not even know that he is in an abusive relationship. So, again, it is best that I was able to step back completely as I have done. Then lastly, I have comment terms with these dead limbs, the last being frequent flyer, who continues to seek out my friendship. I do however have it under control. I do not encourage too much time, and I stick to the issue at hand. What all of this now means to me, is lots of free emotional time to say to myself, get your house in order. The right person is coming, and the baggage that I was holding on to, must really be swept away for good.

The vacuum

From time to time I think that it takes me too long to learn. But the question may be, too long to learn what? For when something is known that helps change how you handle information, it never seems too late. I have been readi g a great deal about the mind and particularly the ego. It has been an unexpected comfort, as much of human behavior from what I am gathering...nature, nurture... Ways we all choose to respond to life in accordance with indoctrination of some kind, helps me to see that much of our patterns are predictable. This fact makes thinking a fraction differently very freeing. Over the last few years I have kept a flame burning for my ex husband. I have also kept it flickering for my other ex, and for frequent flyer. I have had these people all in hand, juggling the possibilities that one might pan out and proofs to be the one for me. Then came The Towers and somehow, I realized that I had created a vacuum in my life, not going forward, not really committing. Not doing much of anything. My life was reading that way all around. I had to do something. At the very least, I had to acknowledge that I was going nowhere but getting traction from it. Then the most amazing thing happened, all that I was holding onto, just fell away. I let go. It even felt like a relief. I was being held together by a series of constructs that no longer served me. Now, I am looking anew from a place with my mind and heart open.

Focus is everything, it can pull you toward or away from whatever it is that you feel you must be doing at a given time. I have seen over the years how a simple adjustment in my vision can help or hinder me in. My desire to do something. Of late I have been more and more mindful of solving the way I achieve things in my life. I have been like most people who set out to follow a known and hidden sense of what life should be about. Before you know it you have spent years living a certain way, fitting into a system that seems to work. It gets you on a treadmill that you feel relatively comfortable in because everyone else is doing it in various degrees. So, now what? You want to rock the boat, you want to be a different sort of money maker, parent, lover, woman, whatever... How to do it in this construct? Is it too late? So much time has already been spent? So much...