Nearly fell off the world

If I were not vigilant I would nearly have found myself going down the deep end of becoming an asshole. Simply put, I was so much in my own head, complaining about something I had very little control over...that I began to hear myself become someone I would not want to talk to. A complainer, a shiner, a bitter sort. I have good reason.but that is not good enough. I do not want to go down the road of the aggeaved. I know what it's like. I hear it in others all around me. I am so much more mindful, more conscious of late of what is better in the world. I am so much happier to know that there is so very much more to want to build and enjoy thn break and destroy. So, I took a look and I turned around,ms tarting with curbing the need to spew verbal diarrhea and then, to give a moment to what runs through my mind. To find the triggers that lead me to negative, predictable behavior. I have had enough of it. More than my share. I am in control of me. I am in a space in my mind now where I want to watch and enjoy how I am going to make my life over in the likeness that I know best.

Faith to think better of yourself is what I need every day. I got the chance to swim and play in my field yesterday. I indulged up to my hair in joy. It is an effort to keep my focus, but when I do.....I am fierce about holding onto it. There is so much to write today. So I shall do so in stages.

The recording that I play constantly in my mind, I know that it is neurotic, and somewhere I feel that there is some religious or psychological pay-off to punish myself. This keeps me from laying down my true feelings and desires from time to time. I am now at a place where my old habits make me tired and conscious of a need to see better, stronger results for themselves. I am so glad for this mostly private site. Sometimes you just have to save your own life, go to bat for you.I feel like a traitor to the amount of progress that I know I have made.I just have to face my contradictions now, or else the overloaded emotions that seek me out late at night will break apart all of my work over the years. So what is this big thing? When I see what I consider upheaval in the last few years, I see no reward to my child for it. There are moments when I think that I want my family back, and I know that my child feels that way. I have felt such defeat, and I admire the lives of my family and people I have known and admired, who faced so much, much more with grace and aplomb. Despite my early ramblings, I know that my feelings are not unusual. What having admitted it aloud in writing has now done for me, is clear some space around something that felt tight and unmanageable. I came across something I think the Buddha said, it was about death. The statement says that man is afraid of death, no matter how much he may pretend to take it lightly.we all want good lives. I feel that way. My ex husband has written me more than once telling me that if he cannot be happy, then he shall make sure that I am not happy either. Now this is a semi threatening boast of a bully. What is required of me is a restructuring of my beliefs and priorities. Thank goodness that I never had such a etched in stone vision of what I expected my life to look like. Or perhaps the fact that I did not is exactly the problem. Whatever it is or was, I am here now, and I must evaluate where I am and where I am going. I have had the best intentions, but I have not felt like I have made any progress. When I speak like that, what I am really saying is that i have financial challenges that have come from choosing the job I have had for the last few years. I do not want to weigh this entry down with negatives and I am on the look out for placing doubt like salt, everywhere I tap my keys. Perhaps if I were feeling that I was meeting my personal targets in every other part of my life,then, I may not be as concerned.so, again, what this is telling me, is that my ex husband's voodhoo has some legs. I have been dealing with that for some time. It is in my power to change that because it must be done. Not because I want to proove anything to him, but because I have felt so hurt by so many things because they seemed to set me back. Again. I might be rambling. I think, my goal now is to accept what I have not been able to change. Accept that I have made mistakes that have made me feel less than satisfied with myself afterwards, and in a few instances, even slowed down my idea of progress. I am clearing all of this out of my mind today to give myself the start I deserve.

Big, FAT Lier

I have successfully dug myself into a fortunately shallow hole when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps here I can offload my shameful, dark secret that may not be that secret... I think the reason that I have not been able to successfully move on in a relationship of any kind really, is because I have not gotten over my ex. There. I wrote it down in black and white. I do not understand why I still feel this way after all of this time, when it is very clear that the only way that I would ever get involved with him again is if a miracle happened and he were to change so completly, that even I could not recognize him. Thus stated, my inability to move on is likely to have nothing to do with him, and simply the fear of the unknown perhaps? If I were to meet the ideal person for me, (as I thought he was way back when) then possibly, my anxiety may be dulled? I have learned a lot about what I will not tolerate and do not want. I can spot someone wasting my time and trying to play with me. I am much more aware of listening to my body and mind and focusing on what feels comfortable for me. I have discovered a charmingly wild side to myself that I want to push more and more because she's cool, and fun, sexy and mysterious. I like me. I like how much I have grown. I have asked myself the question many times. There are nights when I feel that I have passed this place so very, very long ago....and then so subtlety, so unexpectantly I get a sort of pineing feeling. It may be nostalgia? God, I don't know what makes it come up? I might be feeling a little lonely ? But I am soooo buzy, so focused on things that matter to me. So how come that can get through my business? Is it something that I thought I dealt with, but just have not? I thought that I had? I had to come to terms with rejection from the person I cared about the most. I have had to work on my ego. I have had to do quite a lot to maintain my distance from someone who has done absolutely nothing to make me feel that he feels anything but contempt for me. Not an easy thing for me. I am unused to this magnitude of dislike at such close quarters. I also do not believe that it is...you hate me, so I must be attracted to you to proove you wrong. That is a complete waste of time indeed. Maybe I should just chalk it up to a glitch in my system. When it comes up, I just acknowledge that old bug bear and say... Hey, there it is again., and shrug it off. It never lasts long. He makes certain to act in a way to Remi d me that hate is the agenda for him and no good light can penetrate it. So, there it is. What I can also do, is focus on what I would love to experience with a real person instead...lol. Project what I would so much prefer. Yep, I think that that is the way to go.

The world as it stands

What a revelation I have received this week. I have found myself in court, representing myself and seeing the underbelly of the system. Everything about the world at this moment in my mind is upside down.having to find myself in the system has done nothing but aggravate and disappoint me. In the last few years, every form of " upper educated" professional in my country has proven to be a complete waste of time. I am so underwhelmed by it all, and I see no way out. I am not completely discontent though, and that is a miracle. The reason that I am not completely feeling defeat, is because I am standing inside it all, confidant in myself. I know that I am not crazy and that this too shall come to an end. I have my profession to fall back on, and I am so very grateful for it, because through it, I am able to make sense of the nonsense. I have friends who have come forward in my life and shown me that I can trust again, and most of all, I have me.

Expectations

There are times when no matter how much you know, you feel a bit down. I know enough now to understand how to work with that feeling when it comes. I have some ideas that I know I shall enjoy bringing into reality. But I am impatient to see them happen. This may mean making some small sacrifices, like staying up a bit later, or going to bed a bit earlier, so that I can get them done. One or two large projects have simply stalled, and I do not know what else to do to get them back on track. I know that I should not worry about that, because when they begin, they shall require all of my ability, energy and time. So, why am I down? I can easily fill my time with the things I want to do. What do I feel is missing.....ah, I am getting very close to what is bothering me by asking that indeed. I feel as though all I have done is make mistakes. Miss the mark, not achieve what I set out to achieve in some parts of my life. I feel tired when I think about it right now. I do not see results that make me feel good about things. Perhaps if I think of the future for a moment that may help? No....that does not help. It is best to stay in the present and focus on what I am feeling. Regret. Sadness. I would like things to get better. I would really like them to get dramatically better actually. To get better in tiny increments does not seem to be the way to go in my mind at the moment. I would like to see big, better for a change. I feel this way because the tiny betters seem to feel like one step forward proceeded by ten steps back and I am fed up with that. I am complaining, and complaining is all about learned helplessness. Ok, so I feel a sense of defeat. I have to accept this for what it is and I have to know that it is only this moment, here that feels unhappy. My little ones face just popped into my head. Now, that did a great deal right there. That is helpful...it brought with it some other happy memories. I am definitely grateful for that. ..................... Message to self: Take things in stride. Count my blessings. See whatever I do not think I have achieved as somehow right for me at the moment and something to look forward to. Enjoy the process.

Here's the thing...

Another court matter looms. It is the same argument going on now for five, maybe six years. I felt a bit stressed about it tonight, although I have been doing whatever I could to be not just optimistic, but to reverse the matter in my thoughts. I felt that sense of concern crep up on me like a cold hand. But I was able to look at the feeling squarely. First, acknowledging that to feel a bit overwhelmed and upset is only normal. Then, to look beyond the moment to a place that is neutral and then focus onto things that are working for me,is what I chose to do. Writing now, a bit if both feelings are being straddled. I am tired, and a good night sleep is what I need now. I shall be ( right as rain ) I feel conscious that a solution shall present itself that shall work in my favor. This shall pass and be replaced by harmony in my life.