not ready

I am not ready to write yet.

My father died

On Sunday my father died. One moment he seemed so very alive and then all of a sudden he had breathed his last. Words cannot describe how I feel. I have soldiered for the family. I don't know where my Trojan strength has come from for this? But I am amazed at myself. Also, amidst all of the hurt someone has come forward to be there for me in ways I never expected and I am so grateful. I shall use another post to go into it. You know that people die. My Auntie died in December. That was a terrible shock to all of us, but this, my god! I gave him mouth to mouth and CPR, and I could not save him. My dear father is dead. He was with us and then he was gone. He just slipped out of our hands. Yet, I am also so honored to have been with him to the end. I love you dad, so ,so very much. I miss you. It doesn't seem real that you are gone. You gave us so very much, including your time, your love and support despite how hard you worked and how much you provided for all of us. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for being our dad and our grandad to our children...and step in dad for our friends who lost their dad's. I hope that if I have even a tenth of what you gave us to share with the next generation s I may witness, that I can come up to your effortless and amazing standards. Love you forever.

somber morning

Sometimes I can be too much for myself. It is like a subtle mist around me, not like the cloud that Charlie Brown's Pigpen carries, so I know that I shall be fine... and I know that I have all right to feel this way, I just didn't really want to acknowledge it. Watching my father go through two years of not being at his best, fighting off illness, my mom give one million percent to him....my dear auntie taking care of their other sister who died in December and it is so easy to just stretch out all of the things that feel dismaying at nearly midnight tonight. So I have decided to allow myself to feel it. Not to shush it off. I am sad. I am tired. I am dismayed! I also know that this too shall pass. I am not looking up into the sky for a bargain. I am not casting blame or feeling that my life is a mess. I know way too much about what is going on in the world to elevate myself to such a height. Lol. It is sleep that I really need. An opportunity to start on a new page in a few hours really, that will do it.

Mangoes are not the only beautiful fruit

So Juliemangoman as the awful saying goes, hit me up awhile back. I wanted to know his story, so despite at first being a bit reticent about his contacting me out of the blue, I let my curiosity have its way. Things started up alright. But then, he has now moved true to form. All of a sudden radio silence. The difference this time is that I am different, and I am different in a way that I almost cannot find words to describe, but I shall do my best. When he got in touch with me, my second reaction was a sort of...hmmm, I knew he would do it. Then, when he was super enthusiastic to suddenly text and even video call, after we were not able to really start talking because I was called away, I had a little moment that I assessed in myself. I was amused by his antics, but I also had a twinge of wonder about how much was I still enarmoured by him if I ever really was! Let me explain...his excitement to me brought up his seedier side that I could never really place. He was marking out time for me. Yet, he was 'marking' it ' with a huge felt tip Sharpie. He had no angle, no plan, just his instinct and desire to have whatever it is he wanted in that moment. He suddenly was not as appealing in my eyes. I felt that I still liked him, still found the attraction there. But it was as though I was capturing him with a long lense. It wasn't that he was ugly and I was rejecting him. Far from it. It was just that I was saying to myself...hold on, is this really what I want from this man? But even more to the point, is he all that I wanted to consider him to be? That weighed on me. Was I being fickle? Although, it was his actions that reeked of it? I asked myself and kept it to the side, as one does with aa meal where you shift what you don't enjoy eating. I would manouvre it around with my cutting knife for later. I was not cutting him off absolutely. My curiosity was still in play, but I had my boxing gloves on. As all of this was unfolding, the most unexpected thing began to slowly develop within me. It was a whisper at first and tonight it is roaring within me, and that is how good I am feeling about myself. I feel confident, beautiful, strong! I just do. I think what has happened here is akin to something also major that occurred in my life perhaps as much as two decades ago. I remember when I came into my own in my line of work, when I stopped feeling that guidance ruled my life. Placing my perspective where it should be, is how I choose to see this experience, this time around. I know that I have 'something' important within me that radiates outwardly to whomever I attract. I don't acknowledge it fully. I'd usually believe that it is my intelligence that is being seen...and I feel self conscious and downplay the attraction to my body. That to me is so damn superficial that I try to ignore it, although I work hard to maintain it.It is part of me after all, and I appreciate it. Lol. It is objectification I am wary of. I can firmly state today that as sexually attractive as I find him, as comfortable as he has made me feel, as fascinated with him as I have ever been with anyone....I am also way more interested in how I feel about me. He may bring all sorts of shiny, pretty toys to the party, but I am the prize. Lol.

Value

Now that the entire world has had to shut down, the question of what is value looms large. We didn't think that we could stop using fossil fuels. We didn't think that we could stop consuming? We didn't think that employers would agree that they had no choice but to consider their businesses without our services. True values that have come to the fore have been the respect for each other and our loved ones. Respect for our Doctors and Nurses, yes. But also for our delivery workers and garbage collectors and a host of other positions that we take for granted and are at the bottom of the pay scale. My hope is that post covid-19, we continue to keep going in the direction the pandemic forced onto all of us. ............... I have a new angle on my friend's predicament. She is the parent after all. She does not have to be swayed by the attempts to manipulate her, no matter that they hold the purse strings, and even if they loosen their grip, my friend is her own person. Far be it to let their charity define who she is. It is easy for me to write this as it is not happening to me. But if what my friend says is indeed so...that she is always provided for, then I am certain that she can surmount the issues at hand.

perspectives and perceptions

After the challenging conversation with my friend that had me questioning whether I even wanted to be friends again....I went right back down the rabbit hole two days later when she was more amenable. This time, I got information that I never knew..but before I even get to that, I want to state that it can be difficult to be there for a friend when they neglect to tell you all of a story, but encourage you to give your opinion during their conversation. Today I had her go back into her own childhood, and we discovered together some family traits and habits that have come right up to her own children's behavior. What was tricky, was that it took nearly two hours of talking to see the patterns. But even more so, my friend finally stated that she always gets what she wants and that she is no longer concerned with what she had spent even more hours going on and on about days ago. I have to conclude that her passive/aggressive streak is in full effect. Writing about her fascinates me because there is so much to observe in her actions and I want to understand it for my own reasons, which include what I too may do in my own life as well. If you know that you always get what you want, then why carry on when you think that things are not going your way? All that you really have to do os wait and watch and know that you will have what you want anyway! So now I believe that she may say it with her mouth, but getting her way is problematic, because whether she gets it now or later...she is impatient in the process. The other striking fact was the question of value. Her ex husband never really supported her girls. However, he can now offer two houses and land to them, so one of the girls in particular is very keen on keeping up a good relationship with him. My friend says that she has nothing to leave them in a will. So my question to her was, then what do you have to leverage? What do you have to offer? We concluded that they are resentful about assisting her with her rent, but will not tell her outright...and the amount is such a small sum when one considers how they both spend their money. But they don't believe in standing orders and prefer to pay it monthly from where they are via one of the international money transfer kiosks. Why such an arrangement, I ask this all of the time and cannot fathom it! But that is the way it is....so instead of the two hundred dollars coming out of their accounts naturally every month, they quibble with each other from time to time about who will pay it and when. These are women with two businesses between them. Somewhere along the line, paying her rent got onerous, and they also pay for her trip to see them and the rent when she visits for two to three months every year sans Covid-19,2020. Their relationship is made awkward because they want to know whether she gets any other moneys apart from them...when they already know that she does. However, it isn't enough to also pay that rent and neither of them have wanted to have her leave everything behind and live with them either. Observing all of this is something else...the whole parent, children thing is one I have seen over and over again. Who will take care of the person who took care of you? But it is the value thing that caught my attention. If she had properties or assets, we both think that her treatment would be better. But as her situation is what it is, I am hoping that she can truly transcend her children and launch out on her own without needing their money as the situation will continue to be an issue.

picking that julie mango

So, I mentioned a little while ago that we have been talking. It is early days yet. Nothing has changed where the excitement and basic love of banter is concerned. I started to address the Elephant in the room..where the expletive have you been for a whole year! When my mother called on me to assist her regarding my father. So, I had to stop. But this is what the time with no word has taught me, and I mentioned some of it before...I have worked every time we have parted, on what happened and what it and he meant to me. My biggest challenge was my instinct adamant that he is a nice person and something personal was going on in his life and that it wasn't about me. Also, I had to confront that the way the experiences happened and ended left me feeling that I wanted answers. Rejection, as I felt it, is a strong pull sometimes...as that last bizaar encounter with my former student attested. I think about his oddness too, but to no great extent, as I was the one who saw how much it could not work from the onset. But somehow, juliemangoman stayed with me, and I couldn't shake it, even though I worked really, really hard to do it. So I had to ask myself, and I did, many times...what do you want? I never wanted to admit that I was still attracted, still hopeful. Then, I was really angry with myself, using what I concluded as the glue to force myself to quit the attraction...to see him as negatively as I could.Or at least to tell myself that I surely deserved better! That worked to some extent. Eventually, in the moments when I was not looking and found him in my thoughts making himself comfortable, I decided to ignore him. Finally, I gave up. He was like chocolate to an overweight person! SHIT! Now what? Confront whatever the fuck I think I feel! Stop denying it. Ok....so I liked him...I may even love him. What do I love about him? I don't even really know him! I would chime in ....that helped a bit. This went on and on. He ghosted you...you don't know him. That should put an end to the damn thing, but it didn't. Why? He is the first man in forever...or even, ever, whom I felt a cocktail (cock...lol) of feelings for in the way that I felt them. He changed the way that I view myself, my expectations and my romantic life. He is a big deal...and I am so damned attracted to him physically! The sexual attraction has not wained! Alright, now what and so what!? I needed to know what happened? I needed to know if it was one sided? I needed some sort of explanation because of how I felt with him. Now, I have the opportunity to ask whatever I want to ask and I know that it will satisfy me to be able to at least do that. I think that we can have at lest a great friendship from what we started all of those years ago. Seeing him today and us laughing with each other was lovely. I really like him. I am at a place in my life now where I understand that not every relationship may work out. Some people have short stays. Looking at him today, I don't want to make any real pronouncements, but I do want to state that the opportunity to make something better is definately on the cards for me.