picking that julie mango

So, I mentioned a little while ago that we have been talking. It is early days yet. Nothing has changed where the excitement and basic love of banter is concerned. I started to address the Elephant in the room..where the expletive have you been for a whole year! When my mother called on me to assist her regarding my father. So, I had to stop. But this is what the time with no word has taught me, and I mentioned some of it before...I have worked every time we have parted, on what happened and what it and he meant to me. My biggest challenge was my instinct adamant that he is a nice person and something personal was going on in his life and that it wasn't about me. Also, I had to confront that the way the experiences happened and ended left me feeling that I wanted answers. Rejection, as I felt it, is a strong pull sometimes...as that last bizaar encounter with my former student attested. I think about his oddness too, but to no great extent, as I was the one who saw how much it could not work from the onset. But somehow, juliemangoman stayed with me, and I couldn't shake it, even though I worked really, really hard to do it. So I had to ask myself, and I did, many times...what do you want? I never wanted to admit that I was still attracted, still hopeful. Then, I was really angry with myself, using what I concluded as the glue to force myself to quit the attraction...to see him as negatively as I could.Or at least to tell myself that I surely deserved better! That worked to some extent. Eventually, in the moments when I was not looking and found him in my thoughts making himself comfortable, I decided to ignore him. Finally, I gave up. He was like chocolate to an overweight person! SHIT! Now what? Confront whatever the fuck I think I feel! Stop denying it. Ok....so I liked him...I may even love him. What do I love about him? I don't even really know him! I would chime in ....that helped a bit. This went on and on. He ghosted you...you don't know him. That should put an end to the damn thing, but it didn't. Why? He is the first man in forever...or even, ever, whom I felt a cocktail (cock...lol) of feelings for in the way that I felt them. He changed the way that I view myself, my expectations and my romantic life. He is a big deal...and I am so damned attracted to him physically! The sexual attraction has not wained! Alright, now what and so what!? I needed to know what happened? I needed to know if it was one sided? I needed some sort of explanation because of how I felt with him. Now, I have the opportunity to ask whatever I want to ask and I know that it will satisfy me to be able to at least do that. I think that we can have at lest a great friendship from what we started all of those years ago. Seeing him today and us laughing with each other was lovely. I really like him. I am at a place in my life now where I understand that not every relationship may work out. Some people have short stays. Looking at him today, I don't want to make any real pronouncements, but I do want to state that the opportunity to make something better is definately on the cards for me.