Mangoes are not the only beautiful fruit

So Juliemangoman as the awful saying goes, hit me up awhile back. I wanted to know his story, so despite at first being a bit reticent about his contacting me out of the blue, I let my curiosity have its way. Things started up alright. But then, he has now moved true to form. All of a sudden radio silence. The difference this time is that I am different, and I am different in a way that I almost cannot find words to describe, but I shall do my best. When he got in touch with me, my second reaction was a sort of...hmmm, I knew he would do it. Then, when he was super enthusiastic to suddenly text and even video call, after we were not able to really start talking because I was called away, I had a little moment that I assessed in myself. I was amused by his antics, but I also had a twinge of wonder about how much was I still enarmoured by him if I ever really was! Let me explain...his excitement to me brought up his seedier side that I could never really place. He was marking out time for me. Yet, he was 'marking' it ' with a huge felt tip Sharpie. He had no angle, no plan, just his instinct and desire to have whatever it is he wanted in that moment. He suddenly was not as appealing in my eyes. I felt that I still liked him, still found the attraction there. But it was as though I was capturing him with a long lense. It wasn't that he was ugly and I was rejecting him. Far from it. It was just that I was saying to myself...hold on, is this really what I want from this man? But even more to the point, is he all that I wanted to consider him to be? That weighed on me. Was I being fickle? Although, it was his actions that reeked of it? I asked myself and kept it to the side, as one does with aa meal where you shift what you don't enjoy eating. I would manouvre it around with my cutting knife for later. I was not cutting him off absolutely. My curiosity was still in play, but I had my boxing gloves on. As all of this was unfolding, the most unexpected thing began to slowly develop within me. It was a whisper at first and tonight it is roaring within me, and that is how good I am feeling about myself. I feel confident, beautiful, strong! I just do. I think what has happened here is akin to something also major that occurred in my life perhaps as much as two decades ago. I remember when I came into my own in my line of work, when I stopped feeling that guidance ruled my life. Placing my perspective where it should be, is how I choose to see this experience, this time around. I know that I have 'something' important within me that radiates outwardly to whomever I attract. I don't acknowledge it fully. I'd usually believe that it is my intelligence that is being seen...and I feel self conscious and downplay the attraction to my body. That to me is so damn superficial that I try to ignore it, although I work hard to maintain it.It is part of me after all, and I appreciate it. Lol. It is objectification I am wary of. I can firmly state today that as sexually attractive as I find him, as comfortable as he has made me feel, as fascinated with him as I have ever been with anyone....I am also way more interested in how I feel about me. He may bring all sorts of shiny, pretty toys to the party, but I am the prize. Lol.