Big, FAT Lier

I have successfully dug myself into a fortunately shallow hole when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps here I can offload my shameful, dark secret that may not be that secret... I think the reason that I have not been able to successfully move on in a relationship of any kind really, is because I have not gotten over my ex. There. I wrote it down in black and white. I do not understand why I still feel this way after all of this time, when it is very clear that the only way that I would ever get involved with him again is if a miracle happened and he were to change so completly, that even I could not recognize him. Thus stated, my inability to move on is likely to have nothing to do with him, and simply the fear of the unknown perhaps? If I were to meet the ideal person for me, (as I thought he was way back when) then possibly, my anxiety may be dulled? I have learned a lot about what I will not tolerate and do not want. I can spot someone wasting my time and trying to play with me. I am much more aware of listening to my body and mind and focusing on what feels comfortable for me. I have discovered a charmingly wild side to myself that I want to push more and more because she's cool, and fun, sexy and mysterious. I like me. I like how much I have grown. I have asked myself the question many times. There are nights when I feel that I have passed this place so very, very long ago....and then so subtlety, so unexpectantly I get a sort of pineing feeling. It may be nostalgia? God, I don't know what makes it come up? I might be feeling a little lonely ? But I am soooo buzy, so focused on things that matter to me. So how come that can get through my business? Is it something that I thought I dealt with, but just have not? I thought that I had? I had to come to terms with rejection from the person I cared about the most. I have had to work on my ego. I have had to do quite a lot to maintain my distance from someone who has done absolutely nothing to make me feel that he feels anything but contempt for me. Not an easy thing for me. I am unused to this magnitude of dislike at such close quarters. I also do not believe that it is...you hate me, so I must be attracted to you to proove you wrong. That is a complete waste of time indeed. Maybe I should just chalk it up to a glitch in my system. When it comes up, I just acknowledge that old bug bear and say... Hey, there it is again., and shrug it off. It never lasts long. He makes certain to act in a way to Remi d me that hate is the agenda for him and no good light can penetrate it. So, there it is. What I can also do, is focus on what I would love to experience with a real person instead...lol. Project what I would so much prefer. Yep, I think that that is the way to go.

The world as it stands

What a revelation I have received this week. I have found myself in court, representing myself and seeing the underbelly of the system. Everything about the world at this moment in my mind is upside down.having to find myself in the system has done nothing but aggravate and disappoint me. In the last few years, every form of " upper educated" professional in my country has proven to be a complete waste of time. I am so underwhelmed by it all, and I see no way out. I am not completely discontent though, and that is a miracle. The reason that I am not completely feeling defeat, is because I am standing inside it all, confidant in myself. I know that I am not crazy and that this too shall come to an end. I have my profession to fall back on, and I am so very grateful for it, because through it, I am able to make sense of the nonsense. I have friends who have come forward in my life and shown me that I can trust again, and most of all, I have me.

Expectations

There are times when no matter how much you know, you feel a bit down. I know enough now to understand how to work with that feeling when it comes. I have some ideas that I know I shall enjoy bringing into reality. But I am impatient to see them happen. This may mean making some small sacrifices, like staying up a bit later, or going to bed a bit earlier, so that I can get them done. One or two large projects have simply stalled, and I do not know what else to do to get them back on track. I know that I should not worry about that, because when they begin, they shall require all of my ability, energy and time. So, why am I down? I can easily fill my time with the things I want to do. What do I feel is missing.....ah, I am getting very close to what is bothering me by asking that indeed. I feel as though all I have done is make mistakes. Miss the mark, not achieve what I set out to achieve in some parts of my life. I feel tired when I think about it right now. I do not see results that make me feel good about things. Perhaps if I think of the future for a moment that may help? No....that does not help. It is best to stay in the present and focus on what I am feeling. Regret. Sadness. I would like things to get better. I would really like them to get dramatically better actually. To get better in tiny increments does not seem to be the way to go in my mind at the moment. I would like to see big, better for a change. I feel this way because the tiny betters seem to feel like one step forward proceeded by ten steps back and I am fed up with that. I am complaining, and complaining is all about learned helplessness. Ok, so I feel a sense of defeat. I have to accept this for what it is and I have to know that it is only this moment, here that feels unhappy. My little ones face just popped into my head. Now, that did a great deal right there. That is helpful...it brought with it some other happy memories. I am definitely grateful for that. ..................... Message to self: Take things in stride. Count my blessings. See whatever I do not think I have achieved as somehow right for me at the moment and something to look forward to. Enjoy the process.

Here's the thing...

Another court matter looms. It is the same argument going on now for five, maybe six years. I felt a bit stressed about it tonight, although I have been doing whatever I could to be not just optimistic, but to reverse the matter in my thoughts. I felt that sense of concern crep up on me like a cold hand. But I was able to look at the feeling squarely. First, acknowledging that to feel a bit overwhelmed and upset is only normal. Then, to look beyond the moment to a place that is neutral and then focus onto things that are working for me,is what I chose to do. Writing now, a bit if both feelings are being straddled. I am tired, and a good night sleep is what I need now. I shall be ( right as rain ) I feel conscious that a solution shall present itself that shall work in my favor. This shall pass and be replaced by harmony in my life.

“Surely every one realizes, at some point along the way, that he is capable of living a far better life than the one he has chosen.” — Henry Miller (via spenserstevens)

New perspectives

When I travelled this year, I again became conscious about well being. This time, I experienced people around me being very cavalier about their travels and plans to travel...and their successes. I sat amidst all of this chatter and saw very plainly how much I wanted to know when I can get like that, and also how far I had come. The irony is that as a child I spoke like they did. My adult experiences have curtailed me. But no more. I am working on moving past all that is configured to keep me back. This conscious working is making me feel off balanced, but I am not losing focus. Being in the bosun of all that success and well being was so good. It reminded me of who I was. It said to me,ok, so what are you doing for yourself now? I still feel that it may take a leap. I am not sure how it will happen. What I do know is that I shall be working, so in doing so, where I see myself going, shall happen.

Learning

I could not wait to get here tonight. I came to a realization and felt very strongly about what I conclude for many years I have given a bit of myself to the belief, the possibility that there might have been some hope or opportunity to have a romantic relationship with Frequent Flyer. I have spent years mostly because he led me to believe that there was some possibility. I have written many times that I would discontinue any conversations with him where I felt that I might be falling into any emotional attachments. But then we would chat and somewhere along the line I would fall comfortably back. A few weeks ago I happened to be in a position where I got to talk about this whole thing with impartial people, and one said to me at the time, perhaps you are not the only one this fellow leads on. Something in that statement was extremely helpful to me. It made me sit up and shake myself. I had experienced a moment with him months before when he left me an emotional message on Skype and when we did speak about it a few days later, he had downplayed it. That was big for me. It made me realize how much he took me for granted. I got very upset with myself and him and decided that I would become more vigilant. Since my conversation, I have had three opportunities to speak with him, and especially tonight, I have become aware of my own ego and arrogance with this man. How could I have ever assumed that waiting could happen between us? Yes, he made me feel that I should wait. But then, I, I, I then gave the whole thing meaning. I made it sentimental to me. I placed a romantic spin on the thing and guess what, years are going by and he is having a really nice life. A life where he is securing the very best for himself and his family as he should. I feel like all I have been holding to is a puff of smoke. I feel very foolish for having held on for so long. Very foolish indeed. But now I really have removed the scales from my eyes. I felt it in our conversations. I can feel and sense myself having removed the notion of anything beyond a tenuous friendship. I never gave him so much of myself that I made myself a vulnerable friend. He has never been my go to person. I am glad that I had that presence of mind to hold back so much of myself...and all of myself where any sexual possibility may have ever arisen. It would only have caused me great grief. I can say now that, I grew up. It has taken great maturity on my part to see this for what it really is for me. I deserve much better, and I have known for some time that if I am to really move forward, I cannot hold onto old baggage. I have to break any cycle that is not serving me. I have been sentimental and now I know better. As I told my sister, if I am here and I am wonderful, then my counterpart is also there and waiting to meet me too. I find that a comfort. It is time to not look at everyone who fits a criteria, or was in my past and gave the impression that we have something....it does not mean that I need act upon it. My feelings must be taken into account. I cannot rush or pretend feelings I do not have. Or give meaning to something that is not there. All I need do,now, is to,listen to myself for real, feel myself out,,hear myself out, listen to my opinion, vibe....instincts first and foremost and know what is the motivator within me to choose whatever I do choose. I will not steer myself wrongly. I just know it. Thank goodness for this realization at this time.

OMG

I have been trying to get back on my blogger for months. I have given up and tried again through the months, and finally! Good grief! So much has happened. I have made work, travelled, seen relatives, done lots of things that I have not been able to assess here. Today, I am even wondering why this page is also present under a different address? But all of that shall be addressed at some point. I have as I stated, been through so much, and I am just glad that I am back. So for now, that is all I shall write.

The books and all of the reading, quotes and experiences helped last year. I found out so much about the ego and how to deal with it. So you can imagine, when I got the first email, I sat a bit stunned by it. There it was in plain old black and white with the familiar address with one number change on the end, kind of in defiance of the old one that I knew. I remember the satisfaction that I got the reference the first time, when it was said to me. I had to smirk dispite myself, and then a few days later, another one. Would I bite? Definitely not. How did my ego feel? A bit vindicated, I had to come clean in my mind. I was exonerated in that moment. I had calculated it. After all, I had reasoned, if I felt certain things, it could not possibly be one sided? Not this person. Yet, now, my thoughts, I am a bit lost for words. It brings up some feelings that I did not guard against. Thoughts like,how does this keep on? What is it about not getting what you want? There was one word....addicted. Yes, there is an addiction, so it was easy for me to say no, cold. Addiction, is not love, it is obsessive, and that makes me feel unsettled. Yet, I have looked at it and acknowledged that yes, I have feelings. I do care. But, I also have learned a great deal from all that happened and I do not wish to continue along a road of folly. It just is not worth it. I made clear pronouncements last year and I have not gone back on my word. I do not enjoy dispersing my feelings as I had done, wondering which card may yield a win, when actually I played a poor hand. This is not a game of cards. The person that I want to call forth, I have been finally just listening and reading in several places, the sort of phenotype that would interest me. It is not supposed to come with stipulations, challenges, baggage....it is to happen because we have found the other at the right place and time and it shall be better than I could have imagined.

Always new

The day is bright and sunny, and I am happy to be online writing here. There are new plans to be made, and I am doing something a bit different, I am listening to my inner voice guide me on my path. The meeting I went to yesterday showed me that I am ready to move on, and move on, I shall. It was a bit funny. One moment you are sitting, listening to people speak, and the next, like a solved equation, you just know that the answer is simple. You must remove yourself from the situation. There is no amount of suggestion, request, discussion to be had. It is time to go.