The worldwind feelings that just engulfed me was such that I had a choice to make. I loomed between acceptance and sentimentality. Eventually I decided that it made the most sense to allow my feelings to just happen. Trying to struggle between the two was tiresome and pointless, I was getting nowhere. I do not know what the future may hold. What I do know is what I hold in this moment. Usually I have wanted to be the person who stays in the mind. Now, I am the person whose mind is staying on a certain person. I was profoundly affected, and I have not known what to do with myself ever since. So, I have come to this blog as a way to make sense of my feelings. The ego is never cut and dried. It is known that the forbidden or the unavailable interests you more, and this may be all there is to my attitude right now. I acknowledge it completely. I have looked at things logically, and when I have, I can dismiss my sentimentality, but I have not been able to dismiss it out of hand. When someone says the things you have longed to hear, and they lavish the attention that you have not received,to me, that has been a powerful thing. I was affected. So much so, that I want to believe that we shall meet again, in a better place where the things said to me can be made true. They felt so sincere, that I would like them to be as they sounded to me. That is my human frailty speaking.That is my wanting closure. That is my wanting a happy ending. That is hope against all odds and that is clinging to an illusion, fully blown. The reality is that I have to leave well enough alone. The reality is that no news is good news and whatever I am being shielded from is a mercy. I have been left with the best of the person. I just do not know what to do with this energy. I feel it, and it engulfs me, and I don't know how to shut off what I was made to feel? Bob Marley has an excellent quote that their is no greater crime than to open a woman's heart only to play with it later. Yet, I have felt that I have had this happen to me over and over again.Perhaps I have been thinking about this all wrong. What am I to learn here? Prior to this ending, I struggled with the belief that I could have what I dearly wanted. I felt so wretched and undeserving, I knew that I had to do some serious work before I could relax in the knowledge that happiness has not eluded me. What I must do is to continue to put forth the best feelings about myself and know that love is not a booby prize and something that I cannot aquire. Everyone is allowed love...including, me.

two-clearing the dust

The constant demand for more,do more,give me more...I could not bear it anymore. I saw no need for a relationship. I concluded that I was better alone. I thought that all that would happen is that I would keep getting the same man in different guises. I was skeptical underneath all the hopes I had written about what I said so many times I wanted. I didn't actually believe that "he" existed. I have always said that I exist, so he is out there existing too. I do believe that. But that is not enough, the inner and outer must agree. Now, I understand. I get it. What I wanted, I had to give it to myself, and what I felt with him was a reflection of myself. That is why I believed that I had met 'the one," and perhaps I did meet him. He however had other plans. He also has no idea how much he has impacted my life. No idea at all. That is a bit jokey and a little sad in a way, that someone could do that and have no idea. All the things said was so beautiful,so fulfilling. So etched in promise. To have touched heaven was amazing. It was about acceptance of the person no matter what. It was willingness to come together and be "us.' Imagine, an US? I was not afraid to say us and we and yet I hadn't had to give up anything of myself because I was completely open. It was because I was made vulnerable, I could receive. WTF! That blew my mind. I had no fear. I had certainty. For all who have felt that, what a tremendous gift indeed.

Clearing the dust

It took some work, and I will not say that I am at 100% as yet, but I am getting there. Love is an extremely powerful force. I felt something so life changing in such a short time. It did not last, but it has changed the way I look at things, perhaps forever. I saw things about myself that I could not articulate any other way until that moment. I did not realize what an uphill battle I waged. I have had relationships in the past, very long relationships. But I didn't realize that somehow, I was never really in love? I was asked whether I would go to the 'jungle' with that person and I didn't hesitate. I had never been asked that before, but I have to admit that I would never answer yes to anyone before? How was this possible? What happened to suddenly make me react as I did? It was something that appears small, but it was deeply impactful. His simple act of giving felt so complete. It took me by surprise and it also unbalanced me. I could not believe that for once, someone was actually giving. Not taking. I had become so accustomed to the latter, that I didn't even know how to act. I was momentarily confused. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer a compromise, and the response at that time was, we have all the time in the world. It sounded like a luxurious statement. I don't want to get down from the cloud that I felt I was on. I continue to just want to describe how I felt. There was a sense of easy, of comfort. A feeling of knowing, and knowing the person as if forever. I also thought that my feelings were being mirrored, as though everything I was emoting, he was feeling it in the same way. It was singly the most profound adult experience of my life. It terrified and elated me at the same time. I saw myself as I always do, as separate and apart, yet also as a partner with this person. I felt as though I could do anything. Issues that had been annoying me and challenging me for ages, just slipped away, unobserved. I no longer felt stumped by anything I thought about that seemed a problem. Even in the face of his issues, I felt that I could and 'we' would meet the issues head on. I had no doubts at all. I knew that I and 'we' could just take things one step at a time.I also felt a deep desire to get to know him and let him know me through conversations that we would make time for. I felt so happy. Then, I was faced, like Icarus with a sudden realization that I was crashing to Earth. Very quickly the clouds parted and the earth no longer seemed friendly. I was coming into cold reality. I had to dig deep and look at all of the things I have told myself and agreed about and internalized. I got to this place with my eyes wide open. But I didn't know that I was still healing, and I certainly didn't know how much healing I needed...and as a saying I recently read goes, " Love doesn't find you a success, love finds you in a mess." Is so accurate. I fought very hard with my doubts to be able to feel happy. You see, not only had I not experienced love for real, I also hadn't experienced being fully accepted for all of me. When I thought about how could I have fallen so hard, so fast, and I knew that it was because he was so giving...the dam broke and I saw just how much I have given, and given and given in every relationship I have had. To the point where I hid a lot of myself. This is why The Towers's behavior was so intolerable for me. He was able to show me exactly what I did not and could not want. -end of part 1-

in conclusion

Sometimes I could feel thrown to the wolves, sometimes I could feel that no amount of trying mattered. I am my own complex bubble of elements making up who I am, and I have to be gentler on my soul. It may take a moment to feel settled again, and to project better. I faced a lot of emotions coming at me at once. What I need to write is a clear statement about what happens now. Clearly a lot of cobweb has been cleared from my mind. I am looking toward much better on every level of my life now. I have had enough of the taking a thimble to a waterfall and saying thank you for sustaining me. I ask now. I get centered and I know to say, hey, yes, I intend on doing many things in my life and here is what I require to do it. Love, commitment,joy,health,money,peace of mind...whatever it is...I am ready and grateful for it all.

and oh...

It was so odd, I had been listening to affirmations, and then wrote a whole lot of shit about my ex and hooking up and then researching the cons of even considering something like that...and BAM, I literally bumped into someone who marked me, and had a play down pat for seducing me. It is kinda hilarious and cosmically crappy all at once. Here I am, just keeping away from any semblance of a relationship. I see myself as a failure for having tried. I stopped doing anything about anyone coming around me, and no one had. Then this person shows up and I feel all lovey dovey. I was floating on a cloud for a hot minute. The way I found myself feeling should be bottled. I didn't even know a man could make me feel that way! I wonder now if that was me, him, us or just chemistry (lust) Who wouldn't want to feel those things! Shit! People feel it every day and go on to have relationships. I so wanted to feel all of that. I hadn't felt that way in an extremely long, long,long time. In the last century actually. That sort of connection, where you want to see the person again, and you want to talk with them late at night. You like touching them for no reason whatsoever. You just feel that you know them. Your physical connection is bananas! Your out of control and you love it! You suddenly want to go and do all sorts of things that you normally would say no to. You project that person and yourself into the future, seeing them from a happy place. When ones life is filled with work and how to get a better salary, and debts as the thing you wake up to every day, it is very easy for a moment to want those fluffy clouds.Want to believe that the dreamy looking person telling you the sensual things you want to hear is not a murdering, psychopathic, bisexual, polygamous whore. But a divine creature, a lotto win in a world filled with booby prized, severely flawed people who don't seem to change. Yet, everyone seems peered off with the right person and damn happy because Facebook and Instagram keep making them look that way...so its only you who happens to be the odd man out. Your the problem. Lol. I saw many things differently in the last few weeks because of the "love flu" that I had for that hot minute.Suddenly my ex didn't seem such an issue to bother my pretty little head about. I had a delicious distraction. My circumstances became bearable. I was focusing on the future, hard! I was feeling all mellow,and pretty and happy and dancing around inside my head. It was divine. I even found that I didn't feel like eating at all...and when I did, it was something super healthy. This was good. As good as good can get. I began to see myself anew. I could move out, I could work with this dazzling person who bumped into me...and we could do a whole lot of stuff together because it was now WE as opposed to me and him. I was actually feeling all of that fushizzle. My mind felt so awake. After using it for so much worry and anxiety for so damn long, it felt cleaned out and replaced with pastel colors. Lol. I searched all the spaces in my thoughts for things that stumped me or felt bad and hurtful and came up with every exotic flower and a smile instead. It was fucking awesome!!! Who could have thought it! Certainly not me. I am writing it down because I really don't want to forget it. There are things that I want to retain and use and duplicate if I can. I don't know what life has to offer, but for a moment, I could see that everything can change in such an amazing way and I want to keep on that road.

realizations

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this planet? What my consciousness is meant for. Everyone wonders this of course. But sometimes for me, I get really down in the philosophy of things because of the way things may turn out. A few weeks ago I bumped into someone, or they bumped into me, and I thought that I might just have been struck by Eros, or at least one of the cherubs. For whatever reason, they said and did everything to reel me in, and on top of everything else they were also quite physically appealing...ok, hot! I admit it. I am so loathe to admit that! Long story short, it was a hook up. I wasn't sure about it, but that is what it was. I know, I should know what a hook up looks like, but I don't. I never had a hook up in high school or in college for that matter. Now, I am kinda relieved that it was what it was because it would have been difficult to factor this guy into my life in any real way. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were some things that I really, really like and would like more of in my life.The BEST parts of it of course, cause now I am on my guard again about what I say and what I mean! I was extremely attracted to the confidence. That hit it out of the ballpark for me. No doubt about it. Loved that! I loved the talking to me in present and present continuous! Real slick of this player, no doubt. I loved the eye contact and the really settling in to listen to me and act like what I was saying actually mattered. Lol. I loved the calling and sounding really sensual on the phone and saying the right amount of things...not too much, like how are you? How was your day? Your job, your family... the expected stuff, but again, said from the standpoint of warmth in the interest. His sexting game was delicious, but I didn't get to experience much of it. But the little that I did was wonderful. Part of me finds it hard to be putting myself out there to meet anyone. The flip side of all of this roses and birdies was that I had super moments of vulnerability. Suddenly questioning myself on all levels for whether I am good enough, and that was painful. I am still sort of dealing with that. I would say that that would have made it impossible to have let the hook up happen at all, it could because I worked at suspending my negative self talk. I still have work to do about that. That is why I am here tonight. This negative attitude that I am carrying around now is a bore. I am really fed up with myself where this is concerned. I have so many things to do that matter to me, and this is getting in the way of having a happy time at anything. I am self conscious, I am bogged down with negative expectations underneath all of the real work that I am doing to do better, and I am exhausted. I realized that today when I actually took a nap at one o'clock in the afternoon. I attracted a smoking hot player and we hooked up. Does that sound like I am all those dreadful things I tell myself? Can I use those two opposites in a sentence and justify myself? That was kinda wack?! That was downright silly. I feel as I do, and I have written this before...I feel this way because of the gradual whittling down of my character by people I loved and care about. The other self criticisms are cosmetic things that truly I can manage in time, and if I am unappealing to others because of it, then, so be it. I don't believe that they are so severe that I should become a shut in. Furthermore, I see so many people with their odd, quirky issues and I don't hold it against them, so I believe that my discomfort has to do with long term criticism. Now said, I learned from this 'player' that I am ready to have relationships. I finally got past the resistance. He was so good at his game that I actually thought that it might not be a hook up but a real possible romantic something, something that could develop...with a lot of work, but still. Lol. Again, this is getting a bit long, so I shall continue this in the next post.