and oh...

It was so odd, I had been listening to affirmations, and then wrote a whole lot of shit about my ex and hooking up and then researching the cons of even considering something like that...and BAM, I literally bumped into someone who marked me, and had a play down pat for seducing me. It is kinda hilarious and cosmically crappy all at once. Here I am, just keeping away from any semblance of a relationship. I see myself as a failure for having tried. I stopped doing anything about anyone coming around me, and no one had. Then this person shows up and I feel all lovey dovey. I was floating on a cloud for a hot minute. The way I found myself feeling should be bottled. I didn't even know a man could make me feel that way! I wonder now if that was me, him, us or just chemistry (lust) Who wouldn't want to feel those things! Shit! People feel it every day and go on to have relationships. I so wanted to feel all of that. I hadn't felt that way in an extremely long, long,long time. In the last century actually. That sort of connection, where you want to see the person again, and you want to talk with them late at night. You like touching them for no reason whatsoever. You just feel that you know them. Your physical connection is bananas! Your out of control and you love it! You suddenly want to go and do all sorts of things that you normally would say no to. You project that person and yourself into the future, seeing them from a happy place. When ones life is filled with work and how to get a better salary, and debts as the thing you wake up to every day, it is very easy for a moment to want those fluffy clouds.Want to believe that the dreamy looking person telling you the sensual things you want to hear is not a murdering, psychopathic, bisexual, polygamous whore. But a divine creature, a lotto win in a world filled with booby prized, severely flawed people who don't seem to change. Yet, everyone seems peered off with the right person and damn happy because Facebook and Instagram keep making them look that way...so its only you who happens to be the odd man out. Your the problem. Lol. I saw many things differently in the last few weeks because of the "love flu" that I had for that hot minute.Suddenly my ex didn't seem such an issue to bother my pretty little head about. I had a delicious distraction. My circumstances became bearable. I was focusing on the future, hard! I was feeling all mellow,and pretty and happy and dancing around inside my head. It was divine. I even found that I didn't feel like eating at all...and when I did, it was something super healthy. This was good. As good as good can get. I began to see myself anew. I could move out, I could work with this dazzling person who bumped into me...and we could do a whole lot of stuff together because it was now WE as opposed to me and him. I was actually feeling all of that fushizzle. My mind felt so awake. After using it for so much worry and anxiety for so damn long, it felt cleaned out and replaced with pastel colors. Lol. I searched all the spaces in my thoughts for things that stumped me or felt bad and hurtful and came up with every exotic flower and a smile instead. It was fucking awesome!!! Who could have thought it! Certainly not me. I am writing it down because I really don't want to forget it. There are things that I want to retain and use and duplicate if I can. I don't know what life has to offer, but for a moment, I could see that everything can change in such an amazing way and I want to keep on that road.