realizations

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this planet? What my consciousness is meant for. Everyone wonders this of course. But sometimes for me, I get really down in the philosophy of things because of the way things may turn out. A few weeks ago I bumped into someone, or they bumped into me, and I thought that I might just have been struck by Eros, or at least one of the cherubs. For whatever reason, they said and did everything to reel me in, and on top of everything else they were also quite physically appealing...ok, hot! I admit it. I am so loathe to admit that! Long story short, it was a hook up. I wasn't sure about it, but that is what it was. I know, I should know what a hook up looks like, but I don't. I never had a hook up in high school or in college for that matter. Now, I am kinda relieved that it was what it was because it would have been difficult to factor this guy into my life in any real way. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were some things that I really, really like and would like more of in my life.The BEST parts of it of course, cause now I am on my guard again about what I say and what I mean! I was extremely attracted to the confidence. That hit it out of the ballpark for me. No doubt about it. Loved that! I loved the talking to me in present and present continuous! Real slick of this player, no doubt. I loved the eye contact and the really settling in to listen to me and act like what I was saying actually mattered. Lol. I loved the calling and sounding really sensual on the phone and saying the right amount of things...not too much, like how are you? How was your day? Your job, your family... the expected stuff, but again, said from the standpoint of warmth in the interest. His sexting game was delicious, but I didn't get to experience much of it. But the little that I did was wonderful. Part of me finds it hard to be putting myself out there to meet anyone. The flip side of all of this roses and birdies was that I had super moments of vulnerability. Suddenly questioning myself on all levels for whether I am good enough, and that was painful. I am still sort of dealing with that. I would say that that would have made it impossible to have let the hook up happen at all, it could because I worked at suspending my negative self talk. I still have work to do about that. That is why I am here tonight. This negative attitude that I am carrying around now is a bore. I am really fed up with myself where this is concerned. I have so many things to do that matter to me, and this is getting in the way of having a happy time at anything. I am self conscious, I am bogged down with negative expectations underneath all of the real work that I am doing to do better, and I am exhausted. I realized that today when I actually took a nap at one o'clock in the afternoon. I attracted a smoking hot player and we hooked up. Does that sound like I am all those dreadful things I tell myself? Can I use those two opposites in a sentence and justify myself? That was kinda wack?! That was downright silly. I feel as I do, and I have written this before...I feel this way because of the gradual whittling down of my character by people I loved and care about. The other self criticisms are cosmetic things that truly I can manage in time, and if I am unappealing to others because of it, then, so be it. I don't believe that they are so severe that I should become a shut in. Furthermore, I see so many people with their odd, quirky issues and I don't hold it against them, so I believe that my discomfort has to do with long term criticism. Now said, I learned from this 'player' that I am ready to have relationships. I finally got past the resistance. He was so good at his game that I actually thought that it might not be a hook up but a real possible romantic something, something that could develop...with a lot of work, but still. Lol. Again, this is getting a bit long, so I shall continue this in the next post.