haiku

when did we know a glance and everything was out in the open then when did we know I wanted to laugh it was so obvious that I said no. I made an excuse. I said I had no time for it. but my heart raced beyond my abilities to stand firm. it wasn't because I saw the end it was because I saw so much promise promises that I never saw in that way before and it could not be happening things like that, can they really happen? .... I understand now that because nothing is promised, anything is possible if we dare to make it so. I am at that place, and I am elated and terrified to be here. But I rather be here than not be here, because it is not often that such possibilities come up that can lead you to better than you could have imagined. In fact, I said this actually to him...the reality is greater than the imagination in this encounter. When I think of the things I have experienced, I am less terrified. My mind is built for creativity. Everything I can bring toward me is dependent on my capacity to accept it. The things that I desire are real, are done, are there to be done and surpassed. ... Imagine not venturing because of fear of failure. Now that is failure itself.

haiku

to have stillness breathing in and out your gentle mouth your piercing eyes and my wonder .... to be in the here and now to be nowhere at all to not ask or have to say .... the wind rustles the leaves of all of the trees he says to me he feels such peace and I smile as though I created it ..... my cheeks are moist my heart breaks with joy it is fleeting oh so fleeting we will not be here again

I don't know what to say

A few months ago I was forever changed by an encounter on the street with someone I did not know. What I did know though, was that from the moment I became aware of him, something shifted for me, and that, that shift was important. It is now many, many months later, and tonight, I feel his pain in a way. He has told me that he has lost his dad, and my mind reaches out to him, wishing that I could bring him some sort of comfort. I know that there are so many questions that I have not asked him. I do not know him. I have found that I am moving so very differently in every way here. I can see that I am living with contradiction, and trepidation, and wonder and I don't know what? I came to this entry to just be close with my thoughts tonight, because I can't imagine what he is going through, and I care about this person that I don't know, and I want to get to know him. I feel as though the roles I have played so comfortably in the past have been reversed. I feel like a nube. I feel as though everything I know is lost or gone. I stand naked before the world, amazingly not afraid, even though everything points to being completely vulnerable. He may be here in my life in the past. He may be here for another day, or years ahead. I don't know. This person has not given me the expected inclination of anything. It is all me wishing and wanting and believing based on puffs of smoke, and perhaps even mirrors. Yet, go I want to go, because I feel so alive being this unravelled. It is as though all of my order was keeping me back. Perhaps it was so.

Awash

So, I have only one person whom I have been expressing my feelings and thoughts to about this new person, and she's been very supportive. But she's also been very cautious, telling me that I may be too enthusiastic in my attitude. I hear her, but tonight, I think that when I cast my mind back to seven years in court and my ex-husband threatening me recently again with court...when I think about how much my best friend's death impacted me and all of the other things that have gone on in the last eight years, I think that a moment to get on like a lovesick fool is a beautiful, wonderful feeling that I should enjoy to the hilt. I think, getting up in the morning and spending a few seconds with erotic thoughts is a nice change of scene from getting up with deep anxiety about how I was going to pay a Lawyer, and my other bills, and all the other things that made me feel bewildered about my next step. I think that throughout my day when I cast my mind on what I have experienced and I feel a small smile on my face and a sense of peace although we are far apart...I consider that way better than focusing on the unfairness I feel at the power imbalances at work, or that my salary has barely covered anything of any consequence in the past. I believe that the offshoot of those good feeling that extend out to making my work day, and my association with others, and my challenges seem more acceptable to carry and to appreciate instead of obsess about what's gone wrong, is a far cry from where I was. Also, when I read back my diaries, and I come across happy times and fantastic speculations, I always wish that I had written more when I was inside that moment. This time, I don't need to be reminded. I am going to enjoy all of this! Whether we are in the same place or not. Whether this lasts a day, a year or for the rest of my life. I am not waiting to be happy. I am living and creating it right now.

what makes me most myself

One of the things that I really like about being here at this point in time is that it has provided me with a different focus. For one thing, I am here because I decided to follow my intuition instead of my logic as the dominant feeling. I now ask myself, suppose this person wants me to pursue him? SHIT! I see a beautiful give and take between us that I have never encountered before. I also like the living in the moment feel of things. I love the spontaneity. I like the mystery. I like also that I am not trying to control things by amassing facts. Lol.I think that at my core I know exactly what all of this is, and how to deal with it. But I don't really want to reveal it to myself until I am actually quiet and listening instead of speculating. So, back to the question...what makes me most myself now?.....I feel the desire to be completely open and honest. I feel poised to experience a real man in a way I have not before. This means being more demonstrative. It means really saying what I want to say and really getting to be playful, sensual, perhaps delving into aspects of my sexuality that I have not even thought I liked before? For example, this person has held my neck. This is something that I used to dislike. But somehow, when he did it, it brought a certain sense of a power shift between us. I liked it, and I love his neck very much as well. I feel that I will get so much answers from silence and revealing myself to him without the burdens of all the things usually done at the start of relationships. He said to me that he would like to be able to be himself. I relate to that. There is so much hiding at the beginning of most relationships. Instead I would just enjoy things feeling natural and flowing effortlessly. I believe that we can achieve that together. ............... As my friend, I desire being able to talk about anything and nothing, and we don't have to talk every day either. I have dialed back parts of my nature or abandoned things about myself because of the encounters I have had. I thought at one point that I was very Vanilla. That is why I write so much. Ha,ha.

musings are not always amusing

A few days ago I had an exchange with someone and I thought that we were in good standing. However, they chose to look at what transpired very differently from me. The good thing was that they told me about it tonight. What was interesting in our dialogue is something that I have experienced all week with women, specifically. Everyone has had selective hearing. I am speaking, but they are only listening to what they want to hear. Or, what they hear only relates to the level of the experience they want to have. At first I felt a bit offended and exasperated. But, feeling both emotions now make me pause and view beyond naming what I feel. By doing so, I become aware that something is happening for me to observe. What I conclude is this-: some people 'say' that they want something, but they do not really want to do what they need to do to make it happen. In the case of this person, they are in their own way. They blame everything but themselves for their predicament. It made me feel a bit sad actually, because I am certain that I can see this now because I behaved this way a great deal in my own life. I can see now that it comes form fear, it comes from not trusting a process. it comes from having no understanding of possibilities...I can go on and on. I am conscious of this very seriously now because of what I want to experience next in my own life. If I am going to have some of the things that I want for myself, I too shall have to think differently. I see it every day when I exercise and when I eat. I see how my body reacts to the food I consume and the way that I choose to push my body and I really learn so much about life from that. Another huge revelation that I am experiencing because the person I like lives in another country for a few months more...the distance helps me to see old patterns and observe alternative ways of acting. I am used to a man calling me. In fact, I usually expect that men who like me get very quickly addicted to contacting me often. I don't call them. They call me. I expect that that is the pattern of behavior. This time around, this person and I are not doing that, and I am beating up myself in facing that probably I should call him. I had started alright, but began to feel really odd about it, and decided that I would not do anything that made me feel weird or not like myself. My contradictory views are-: on the one hand, I am thinking that I should just chill until we meet again. But then there is the other side that says, ok, shouldn't both of you be at least communicating once a week with a call or something?!? I guess I should ask myself that question. I stated that I usually don't call men. Its not that I am not attracted or interested. They make the effort or make it their habit. But I don't make it mine, and with this person, I have stated before that I feel that I have met myself. So this is damn interesting. This conundrum has made me conclude something today. I am going to do what makes me feel most myself.

some thoughts about thoughts

There is a level of sensuality and delight that I am experiencing and I am aware that feelings like that do not last forever. However, I am beginning to suspect that the very act of such emotions have everything to do with a few well placed ways of seeing, and if my theory is correct, than it can go on and on as long as I narrow my focus. In the past I always believed that a complement or a good feeling coming from someone else, particularly in a romantic setting, was somehow like a trinket, a flower to press in a journal. Or a bit of ribbon to carry close to the heart. Indeed. But there is a part of the experience that I myself attract. Insecurity sometimes seems to be bigger than the good feelings that I exooth. I have made a habit of brooding, and now, I have a more balanced way of viewing my day and my life. So, I know that I send out particular vibes.Now, I know that treating myself with certain cares that I give to others, goes a long way toward a better quality of life, whether someone is in my life or not.