Awash

So, I have only one person whom I have been expressing my feelings and thoughts to about this new person, and she's been very supportive. But she's also been very cautious, telling me that I may be too enthusiastic in my attitude. I hear her, but tonight, I think that when I cast my mind back to seven years in court and my ex-husband threatening me recently again with court...when I think about how much my best friend's death impacted me and all of the other things that have gone on in the last eight years, I think that a moment to get on like a lovesick fool is a beautiful, wonderful feeling that I should enjoy to the hilt. I think, getting up in the morning and spending a few seconds with erotic thoughts is a nice change of scene from getting up with deep anxiety about how I was going to pay a Lawyer, and my other bills, and all the other things that made me feel bewildered about my next step. I think that throughout my day when I cast my mind on what I have experienced and I feel a small smile on my face and a sense of peace although we are far apart...I consider that way better than focusing on the unfairness I feel at the power imbalances at work, or that my salary has barely covered anything of any consequence in the past. I believe that the offshoot of those good feeling that extend out to making my work day, and my association with others, and my challenges seem more acceptable to carry and to appreciate instead of obsess about what's gone wrong, is a far cry from where I was. Also, when I read back my diaries, and I come across happy times and fantastic speculations, I always wish that I had written more when I was inside that moment. This time, I don't need to be reminded. I am going to enjoy all of this! Whether we are in the same place or not. Whether this lasts a day, a year or for the rest of my life. I am not waiting to be happy. I am living and creating it right now.