Friday, February 2, 2018

what makes me most myself

One of the things that I really like about being here at this point in time is that it has provided me with a different focus. For one thing, I am here because I decided to follow my intuition instead of my logic as the dominant feeling. I now ask myself, suppose this person wants me to pursue him? SHIT! I see a beautiful give and take between us that I have never encountered before. I also like the living in the moment feel of things. I love the spontaneity. I like the mystery. I like also that I am not trying to control things by amassing facts. Lol.I think that at my core I know exactly what all of this is, and how to deal with it. But I don't really want to reveal it to myself until I am actually quiet and listening instead of speculating. So, back to the question...what makes me most myself now?.....I feel the desire to be completely open and honest. I feel poised to experience a real man in a way I have not before. This means being more demonstrative. It means really saying what I want to say and really getting to be playful, sensual, perhaps delving into aspects of my sexuality that I have not even thought I liked before? For example, this person has held my neck. This is something that I used to dislike. But somehow, when he did it, it brought a certain sense of a power shift between us. I liked it, and I love his neck very much as well. I feel that I will get so much answers from silence and revealing myself to him without the burdens of all the things usually done at the start of relationships. He said to me that he would like to be able to be himself. I relate to that. There is so much hiding at the beginning of most relationships. Instead I would just enjoy things feeling natural and flowing effortlessly. I believe that we can achieve that together. ............... As my friend, I desire being able to talk about anything and nothing, and we don't have to talk every day either. I have dialed back parts of my nature or abandoned things about myself because of the encounters I have had. I thought at one point that I was very Vanilla. That is why I write so much. Ha,ha.

No comments: