and then you blink

When I woke up this morning I made an agreement with myself to not let anything or anyone rob me of my happiness. I have been a tiny bit challenged the last few days by nothing in particular. But enough to make the pledge. I have amidst all of that decided to re-Christen juliemangoman to a name I prefer, my husband. Yep, I am calling him that from now on. I think that it suits him. Analysis at a much later date...meanwhile, I have some thinking to do about my career and my future plans. I just feel less than satisfied with everything I am doing at the moment. I know that this is because I have not had any particular achievement and feel that everyone around me happens to be doing their thing. But as I write, I realize that what I really need a studio. I need a place to work, and I am not sure where that can be. However, my colleague and I are meeting today and we are going to be talking about an alternative to what we are both doing now, so already I feel better. Also, I am going to do the business. I am not certain when I shall start it officially. I have quite a few details to work out. But bet your bottom dollar, I am going to make it happen. Again...that energizes me....my book and the other two that I am to do, November is fast approaching, so I have to take a good look at where I am with that and plot on. That makes me feel good too. I am supposed to go to New York for Christmas, but if I don't I think it may be interesting to go somewhere else...I have not thought about that until now. But it may suit me to consider somewhere closer to home. I was admiring people I know who are making their lives dynamic. Sometimes I feel as though I am a total bore. What am I not doing for myself that I want to be experiencing? The list has not changed. But my attitude has. I think that in the months ahead I must work on the large projects that I set for myself. I shall continue this train of thought offline and get back here when more concrete things insue.

readymade

A friend was telling me about the outcome of a relationship that he thought he was having with someone I also know. I know that she would not be into him in any way other than a friend. But he took it to another level. What was interesting is that the way he discussed her with me, I saw something similar in my issue with the Spartan. We speak online every day, because he contacts me...notice how I wrote that, sounding like he is at fault. The point to me is that here I am on the one hand wishing that I had regular communication with juliemangoman...although when I did have it, I felt uncomfortable and pushed it away. Now, this person who I do not have feelings for, wants to contact me every day and night...way in excess of my need to communicate, and I feel the obvious irony and worry that it is happening to show me something...like...gasp...maybe I am getting what I give? This is actually typical Catholic guilt. I am always looking for meaning, so I see the irony, and these things happen. I have not led on the Spartan on any level. Nor am I having any romantic entanglement with him. I made it very clear that I am interested in someone else. It's just how unfortunate it feels. I know that I speak with him because we are in similar fields, so I find him interesting. But the very thought that I feel as I do and I can hurt his feelings at the end of the day, bothers me. I would not like what I see as having a friend to be misconstued for something more. (Put this way, and writing here...this is why I love writing as I do...it helps me with s many things.) One issue does not beget the other. I have gone on what I was told and actions with juliemangoman. Right now, the ball is not in my court, but it doesn't mean that I am off the field. Lol. However, I am also focusing on minding my own business. I am very occupied. I know that he shall be making some appearances on this blog, and there shall be so much more to explore.

flashing lights

Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire. — Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code ................................... The thought that I may not be the only one in contemplation about what could have been is a small comfort to me. I have other things to concern myself about, and I would be a fraud if I do not admit that I still care about juliemangoman. When someone moves you that is no small thing. I was not looking out, or expecting the rush of emotions that came my way and I am still affected by it. I have not known what to do with myself. So much so that I have decided to stop even trying to deny that I still like him. I do. I liked the way we were when we were together. I have never felt such a sense of peace with someone I know so little about. Everyone else I took years to cultivate friendship. This was completely different. Who knows what the future holds? I am glad that I can still think about the things that I want to do and set out to do them. The path isn’t a straight line; it’s a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths. — Barry H. Gillespie

wider awake

I wrote so late into the night that half of what I wanted to put across got washed up in tiredness. Tonight I learn from yesterday, so I am setting out hours before so that all that raced through my mind, I can corral here. For the first time since I got divorced, I am finally feeling a sense of things coming together. The way that that makes me feel, I cannot begin to explain the relief. But what is even better is the fact that with the feeling comes a sense of possibilities that only this seems to have been able to put into place. I will not question this, I am just grateful. I would also state that all of the things that I am juggling is helpful as well, because as I have so many things to do, I focus much more narrowly, and so, in doing that, I have consolidated my thinking to bursts of concentrated thought on the topic at hand. Then on the next topic at hand and so on. No longer is my mind stalled on things like how or but. It took a long time to get here and I can see the horizon, knowing that whatever direction I go in, I am going with the knowledge that I am there for myself from a position of strength in me. That is a waw factor. So many times I have been here and wobbly. So many times, so many...I meant well and then waited for the crash to come. Now I know that crash or not, survival will happen and better will come because I am prepared. Then, I have other matters that I am dealing with, where my personal projects are concerned and I am working on those too. I am excited to see where they are leading me. Again, not caught up with the issues that plague me where they are concerned. Last night I read somewhere a quote that talks about things going around in circles when lessons are learned. That resonated with me, because I certainly have felt that way at times. It seems that it is not happening to just me, but it is a universal law and that law is set to make you learn the deepest truths from the experience. But then, I was talking with my sister a few moments ago and she told me that the two people from her past who meant so much to her, she has had to cut them both off. The one she came home twice to see called her and wanted her to talk like old times. The other one tells her that she wants too much and he cannot give it. Both situations are laughable! When I think of her and I think of who both of the people are, I shake my head. I cannot wait for the day that the person meant for her arrives. She is fine on her own, but a real genuine love is something that she would thrive with, and when that person arrives, she shall not even remember that she ever spent the time she has trying to convince people to do and be better. It is a hell of a thing when people come into your life and are not ready. Why they come is beyond me? Perhaps we are a place for them to catch their breath and to see what is really possible. My sister did meet someone amazing and messed it up. She admitted it. I think that the least they should do is just communicate their fears. Admit how they felt, instead of saying nothing and running away. When that happens you always think that something was wrong with yourself. or your actions. It is only after a great deal of soul searching that your ego lets go a bit and you can see that it usually has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. But its still hard, because feelings are involved. It was her conversation actually that shifted my own thinking about juliemangoman...I have not given any thought to the possibility that he and I found the other in the same mental space. As much as I was rushed and doubtful...he was pressed for time and doubtful in his life as well and more like my ex than I care to admit! Why does this matter? It does because it makes more sense to me that I am not the only one affected, although this is still speculative. The question is why do I need to learn this now? I would say off the blush that with my ex, I wanted to see if our relationship could be rekindled and at the end I saw that it was not for me. With this experience, I learned that it sometimes takes very little for someone to be in your life to make a huge impact. I have always felt that I have done that, but now, it was done to me and I am the one awed by it. It showed me a lot about myself. I did not realize how closed off I can be, or how much I shut down my own desires. This last situation pointed a spotlight on me.

whether or not

It has been raining for the last two days almost constantly. For all the people who live in difficult places and flood zones, my thoughts are with them. The video footage on Facebook show a tough situation for drivers recording what they see. I have been fortunate. I didn't have to work today,so I could avoid the stress of traveling in it. What today did for me is allow me to have an actual holiday. I spent it online and basically vegging out. I did do some work, and of course I also did a lot of thinking. I find that I am mellow tonight. I can think without stressing about things and I want to take advantage of that. I also like that I can spend a bit of time from project to project instead of feeling that I must complete something right away when I have many things to do at the same time. I now get much more done. Work has also prepared me for this way of doing things, as I have to make every moment count. I meet with a colleague next week to discuss an alternative to what I am doing now. I am excited about that. We compare notes sometime and it helps me feel less stressed knowing that foolishness isn't only happening to me. Then, I also think about The Towers intermittently. I have told only one person who knew him about what has happened with him. I do not feel that it is my place to alert anyone to what has gone on. Interestingly enough, no one has seemed to have picked up on what he did in the news BUT his friend and I! That is quite amazing, or it speaks to how much sensationalism tops him at this particular moment. I believe that it is possibly the latter. The Towers leads to other thoughts as well. On a rainy day like this, my mind is expected to wonder over him. But tonight I am more neutral. Or I should say, wistful, and for that, I am grateful.

we do it on (pur)pose

My friend met a foreigner who lives here. They went out for a few weeks when he told her that he needed papers to stay. She agreed to marry him as they were dating. It is now a year and a half, and she has been telling me from the start of his behavior that I find a bit difficult to take. This is the fifth man she has seen in a decade who refuses to do the simple things she gets into relationships to do. Actually, this is the latest person who continues to ignore that she should be able to do things that any normal relationship entails...meaning, going for drives, going to dinner,going to movies, going out for a long weekend to a bed and breakfast, traveling together, things like that. However, whatever the men have wanted, she has bent over backward and then up into a pretzel to accommodate. This dismays me no end and I always bring it to her attention, because this is a person who is very calculating and focuses on what she can get out of any situation, so the results in her relationships amaze me. She treats men very differently than she treats women. That is clear. What I am observing and am learning from, is the way that she set this last relationship up. It is a guide to how we all get or do not get what we want. She spoke to me a long time about the decision to help him by marrying him. Nothing happening with her now is a shock. But she chooses to see it that way. From the start he set a pattern, one that she shrugged off as just part of his quirky character. To me, you cannot suddenly complain about the very things that you complemented or accepted, but we all do this anyway. We choose a person, or a job and then from there there is a bit of 'coasting' that we all go through. What i mean is that somehow I think that we believe that whatever we choose to do, we are expecting that we do not have to work on ourselves as we evolve within the framework of whatever the thing is that we are investing our lives in. We want the 'thing' to somehow make us more comfortable or happy, and we do not observe that our unhappiness or our anxieties come from our expectations and our way of changing what we see to please our immediate needs. We are always testing the waters, always making choices and naming feelings and meaning. The blaming the other within that action is the crazy part, it is also the most typical part. My friend is seeing everything as 'happening to her' she is not and never seeing her role in the matter. I think that by her talking to me, she has shown me very urgently a habit in behavior to check within myself too. I take my own behavior with juliemangoman. I was oversaturated with emotions and could not really inoculate myself against the barrage of feelings. I remember thinking that it was going way too fast, but I didn't want that to put us off. I liked the excitement of the rush of feelings. I placed a great deal of meaning onto what was happening to me. I had no idea what he was feeling or doing. I could only speculate. I had my feelings, my insecurities and past history as a guide to helping me heap huge swaths of insecurity upon me. Then I had my hope and wanting to believe that it could be more...so there is the past, where I am comfortable with the known, struggling against the future that is ephemeral and hard to mold when it is being rushed. All of that is sitting against the fabric of reality. Cold, hard facts that are hiding in plain sight. You are left with the opportunity to pick your own basket of meaning from it all.

looking ahead

Working on my own project really did wonders for my attitude this week. At one point I got a call from a friend who is going through a great deal with her boyfriend. More on that in awhile. For myself, I had a few low moments where I despared about my direction. I was able to quickly assess my emotions and from that, my goals and get back on track. But then, I got some calls from people, as stated above and I saw how my good feelings seemed to be sought out by them. I listened to these people with their issues, but I limited how much time and how much energy I would funnel their way. One of the things capturing my interest right now is the gulf between feeling that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do against the backdrop of seeing no way forward. I have been in that position several times. For example, I want to create a business. I do all that I can to set things up, and the last thing I may need is money to purchase things. I look around and find that not only do I not have the money, the money I was promised from jobs I have completed, I am being given the run around to collect. That stalls my dreams and goals. When I finally do get the money, I am faced with repaying soft loans taken from family just to go to work...and re-paying other debts. That always leaves me dismayed and really despondent about my efforts and future. Usually, this leaves me in a deep funk, and I literally find that I have to climb out of it as though it were the trenches in a war zone. Recently, I have been observing this, and I have begun to ask myself, how can I look at everything that I am experiencing as both learning and also asset to me. I have found men interested in me as I am striving to make my businesses happen. The lat time, I specifically said that I was too busy to start anything with anyone. To me, the conclusion was that I was left bereft in love and in business when I accepted the person's charms. One had nothing to do with the other though. It just felt as though I had failed spectacularly in every aspect of my life that I make decisions on. Now, I am seeing that I should not have such dramatic views of things. If I were investing in these things without any emotional attatchment, I would not be so keen to label everything a failure. i would instead be looking at how I could still advance despite the perceived setbacks, because advancement is inevitable. I cannot stay in one place anyway. I see that as a very good thing. I see the fact that I am single also as a very good thing, after all, my advancement is personal to me, whether someone joins my life with me or not. I am responsible for myself. There is advantage in being able to sit with myself and see possibilities. If I could not see that, I think that that would be truly tragic. Also, I think about The Towers. The nickname I gave him now chills me a little. I was dead on with that one. He can make no strategic moves now. Where is his money now? Has he accomplished what he wanted to do? What now? Then, I mentioned my friend....it seems that she is in a really emotionally interesting place, and I am going to write about this in another post as this one is getting long...I noticed some things that are important to recount. So, I did all of that soul searching and I am feeling much better about the way things are going, and I am confident that although emotions are so strong and so challenging, the most important thing I have learned is that I will not fall apart so badly that I cannot rise again.

it is very clear

Being faced again with something that keeps happening to me, I am uber aware this year that hardship felt must be confronted head on using the opposite tactics to what anyone would be inclined to do. It is easy to get angry, upset and despondent right away, and that is natural and allowed. However, what comes next is the will to completely accept it as happening for a reason. That is harder to do, but do, one must. It is even harder to believe that the rejection is occuring to take you in the direction that you are meant to go in. At this time the doubt is acute. Here is the place where I want to dig in my heels and not budge. Here is where like a toddler, I want to throw a tantrum, after all,I have geared up for the experience,I have worked toward this point. I cannot see any other way and I don't want to. To have to give up whatever it is means to have to start all over again, and the thought of having to do so feels deeply painful and even worse, I easily believe that when I start again, the failure will feel the same...and guess what, the failure does feel the same and then some. I don't want to learn that way. I feel humiliated. I feel like a loser. I wonder whether the fates are watching me and laughing at my efforts. I see no end in sight and I feel like I can't achieve anything ever again. I remember when I was a child in school, if I was not great at something there was no middle ground. I was not good if I was not great. No amount of effort felt like I was achieving anything. It was not until I was an adult and going to the gym that I saw the result of physical effort. Right now, I am in those feelings again. I was promised a promotion. I was promised so many things that seemed to be leading up to a brand new horizon. Now, it has evaporated as surely as it was promised. No explanation given. What is made worse is the fact that to add insult, the financial impact sets me off to zero. That is always the shock. How the fuck am I supposed to put one foot in front of the other when the very way to do so cuts off my path because of one person making yet again, so arbitrary a decision as to whether I succeed or fail? I try to have a good attitude about it, but it is extremely hard to do so when bills stare me in the face and the way to pay them is just as always, a stall, and no one cares. I have had this happen over and over again. Obviously I need to leave this bad job where this keeps happening. But as I stated before the irony is that I need the money from this job to make the things I want to do, happen. Fate seems to be telling me that money is not an issue, thats why I keep not having any. Yet, when I work at things without the money, I STILL do not see the results. To me it is a fail/fail situation. Living with constant failure hurts. Particularly when everyone around me isn't living that way, and I know that they are not because they have cars, jobs, relationships and do whatever they want to do with their time. I am not at liberty to be able to arbitrarily decide to go out...everything costs money to do. Everything. I am disheartened. I feel really alone with my pain. I want to do something to turn things around. I am doing things, but the money remains illusive to me. I have to wait, and the waiting is endless. While I wait, I bring confidence and assurance to others through the work that I do. Then I return home and I wait some more. I hope that I am remembered, that my time indeed will come. It is a sad wait. I can smile at the sound of the birds chirping, and I can be satisfied that I can sit on my bed and write in this computer on this site. I am mindful of the lives of others, both better and more challenged than mine. However, I am in mine and in mind. What can I do? I am here again at the same juncture. All I know is that my path is once again blocked. ...and ha.ha.ha. a transformer just blew up, so all of this writing may be lost...how ridiculous is that on top of everything else?....why is it that there is so much comfort in expecting the very worse? The worse seems so predictable that it seems like stability. Anything that can go well is expected to end in failure. Expect it. It's how it is. Don't feel happy, failure is without question on its way any minute now. Funny enough, believing that failure is o its way makes me slightly confident that success is mixed in with failure, that failure is going to allow me one or two glimmers of hope as it rampages through my devastated emotional state. Perhaps there is actually where I should look. Seeing light amidst damage, I can see that ALL is illusion. Happy or sad. I am the observer and I can choose what I want to do next.

light bulb moment

A few days ago I was sitting in a taxi taking the scenic route out of the valley because of the bridge reconstruction. I have been traveling like this for about three months, so, I have become used to looking at certain things and searching out other details every day. In so doing, I had a moment when I thought of juliemangoman and tried to stop the rush of feelings that came to me right away. Then something clicked for me. I named what I was feeling as longing or desire...and bam, I realized that when I am thinking, as I am now on better things, things I want to experience instead of the things that keep me back, I may be putting out such feelings instead of those of already having the experience. This is probably why I get more of the so close but yet so far results. That may be a stretch, but I think that the next time I make a decision about what I should be experiencing, I need to take my emotional temperature. ........ So, what should acceptance and already having what I desire feel like? I can answer that by stating what it isn't. It isn't feeling anxious. It isn't doubt. It's acceptance. It's calm. It's quiet. It is knowing that its there. That's what I have to build on, and the illusion has proven difficult because of all of the distractions that creep up. But now that I have alerted myself to what I feel, I am going to give this awareness a shot.