it is very clear

Being faced again with something that keeps happening to me, I am uber aware this year that hardship felt must be confronted head on using the opposite tactics to what anyone would be inclined to do. It is easy to get angry, upset and despondent right away, and that is natural and allowed. However, what comes next is the will to completely accept it as happening for a reason. That is harder to do, but do, one must. It is even harder to believe that the rejection is occuring to take you in the direction that you are meant to go in. At this time the doubt is acute. Here is the place where I want to dig in my heels and not budge. Here is where like a toddler, I want to throw a tantrum, after all,I have geared up for the experience,I have worked toward this point. I cannot see any other way and I don't want to. To have to give up whatever it is means to have to start all over again, and the thought of having to do so feels deeply painful and even worse, I easily believe that when I start again, the failure will feel the same...and guess what, the failure does feel the same and then some. I don't want to learn that way. I feel humiliated. I feel like a loser. I wonder whether the fates are watching me and laughing at my efforts. I see no end in sight and I feel like I can't achieve anything ever again. I remember when I was a child in school, if I was not great at something there was no middle ground. I was not good if I was not great. No amount of effort felt like I was achieving anything. It was not until I was an adult and going to the gym that I saw the result of physical effort. Right now, I am in those feelings again. I was promised a promotion. I was promised so many things that seemed to be leading up to a brand new horizon. Now, it has evaporated as surely as it was promised. No explanation given. What is made worse is the fact that to add insult, the financial impact sets me off to zero. That is always the shock. How the fuck am I supposed to put one foot in front of the other when the very way to do so cuts off my path because of one person making yet again, so arbitrary a decision as to whether I succeed or fail? I try to have a good attitude about it, but it is extremely hard to do so when bills stare me in the face and the way to pay them is just as always, a stall, and no one cares. I have had this happen over and over again. Obviously I need to leave this bad job where this keeps happening. But as I stated before the irony is that I need the money from this job to make the things I want to do, happen. Fate seems to be telling me that money is not an issue, thats why I keep not having any. Yet, when I work at things without the money, I STILL do not see the results. To me it is a fail/fail situation. Living with constant failure hurts. Particularly when everyone around me isn't living that way, and I know that they are not because they have cars, jobs, relationships and do whatever they want to do with their time. I am not at liberty to be able to arbitrarily decide to go out...everything costs money to do. Everything. I am disheartened. I feel really alone with my pain. I want to do something to turn things around. I am doing things, but the money remains illusive to me. I have to wait, and the waiting is endless. While I wait, I bring confidence and assurance to others through the work that I do. Then I return home and I wait some more. I hope that I am remembered, that my time indeed will come. It is a sad wait. I can smile at the sound of the birds chirping, and I can be satisfied that I can sit on my bed and write in this computer on this site. I am mindful of the lives of others, both better and more challenged than mine. However, I am in mine and in mind. What can I do? I am here again at the same juncture. All I know is that my path is once again blocked. ...and ha.ha.ha. a transformer just blew up, so all of this writing may be lost...how ridiculous is that on top of everything else?....why is it that there is so much comfort in expecting the very worse? The worse seems so predictable that it seems like stability. Anything that can go well is expected to end in failure. Expect it. It's how it is. Don't feel happy, failure is without question on its way any minute now. Funny enough, believing that failure is o its way makes me slightly confident that success is mixed in with failure, that failure is going to allow me one or two glimmers of hope as it rampages through my devastated emotional state. Perhaps there is actually where I should look. Seeing light amidst damage, I can see that ALL is illusion. Happy or sad. I am the observer and I can choose what I want to do next.