wider awake

I wrote so late into the night that half of what I wanted to put across got washed up in tiredness. Tonight I learn from yesterday, so I am setting out hours before so that all that raced through my mind, I can corral here. For the first time since I got divorced, I am finally feeling a sense of things coming together. The way that that makes me feel, I cannot begin to explain the relief. But what is even better is the fact that with the feeling comes a sense of possibilities that only this seems to have been able to put into place. I will not question this, I am just grateful. I would also state that all of the things that I am juggling is helpful as well, because as I have so many things to do, I focus much more narrowly, and so, in doing that, I have consolidated my thinking to bursts of concentrated thought on the topic at hand. Then on the next topic at hand and so on. No longer is my mind stalled on things like how or but. It took a long time to get here and I can see the horizon, knowing that whatever direction I go in, I am going with the knowledge that I am there for myself from a position of strength in me. That is a waw factor. So many times I have been here and wobbly. So many times, so many...I meant well and then waited for the crash to come. Now I know that crash or not, survival will happen and better will come because I am prepared. Then, I have other matters that I am dealing with, where my personal projects are concerned and I am working on those too. I am excited to see where they are leading me. Again, not caught up with the issues that plague me where they are concerned. Last night I read somewhere a quote that talks about things going around in circles when lessons are learned. That resonated with me, because I certainly have felt that way at times. It seems that it is not happening to just me, but it is a universal law and that law is set to make you learn the deepest truths from the experience. But then, I was talking with my sister a few moments ago and she told me that the two people from her past who meant so much to her, she has had to cut them both off. The one she came home twice to see called her and wanted her to talk like old times. The other one tells her that she wants too much and he cannot give it. Both situations are laughable! When I think of her and I think of who both of the people are, I shake my head. I cannot wait for the day that the person meant for her arrives. She is fine on her own, but a real genuine love is something that she would thrive with, and when that person arrives, she shall not even remember that she ever spent the time she has trying to convince people to do and be better. It is a hell of a thing when people come into your life and are not ready. Why they come is beyond me? Perhaps we are a place for them to catch their breath and to see what is really possible. My sister did meet someone amazing and messed it up. She admitted it. I think that the least they should do is just communicate their fears. Admit how they felt, instead of saying nothing and running away. When that happens you always think that something was wrong with yourself. or your actions. It is only after a great deal of soul searching that your ego lets go a bit and you can see that it usually has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. But its still hard, because feelings are involved. It was her conversation actually that shifted my own thinking about juliemangoman...I have not given any thought to the possibility that he and I found the other in the same mental space. As much as I was rushed and doubtful...he was pressed for time and doubtful in his life as well and more like my ex than I care to admit! Why does this matter? It does because it makes more sense to me that I am not the only one affected, although this is still speculative. The question is why do I need to learn this now? I would say off the blush that with my ex, I wanted to see if our relationship could be rekindled and at the end I saw that it was not for me. With this experience, I learned that it sometimes takes very little for someone to be in your life to make a huge impact. I have always felt that I have done that, but now, it was done to me and I am the one awed by it. It showed me a lot about myself. I did not realize how closed off I can be, or how much I shut down my own desires. This last situation pointed a spotlight on me.