Independence Day

My daughter plucked up the courage and wrote her father a note about not wanting to live with him anymore. He completely ignored her, but she has started on her road to personal independence and I am proud of her. Interestingly, Independence Day is tomorrow, so the symbolism is not lost on me. She was so afraid. Yet, with me in her corner she did what she had to do.

write your book

What a productive week all around for me.First of all, I started the project that I have been working on for the very longest time. Other projects are connecting and even or especially the issue with my daughter and her father is such that I am clear. We are not here to be perfect. We are here to choose to take our journeys in the way that we do. We all have our hopes and dreams and we have where we are and what we have done to get there. However there comes a time to act and act and ACT. I have the memo and the calendar.

the wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics. He has played his cards over and over again, and I have not wanted to play. But now I am done. I have to go decapitate this thing once and for all.

wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics.

My sister is back home and she is taking things day by day as she should. However, when she was leaving the airport in the Domincan Republic she was shaken down for a bribe. She was so shocked that she handed over US$20 to the woman who did it.Imagine targetting someone who is travelling home clearly from health surgery and being faced with a situation like that! It says something about the country. People may not be paid well at all and have to get kickbacks to survive. The levelof corruption must be something else. my sister took a huge step. She did something that she wanted to do for herself. My sister has always lived her life in huge flaming capital letters. Life is so interesting. Everything you do has to do with intention. You make the best decision on everything you do, dependent on the information you have before you. But what are all the things we claim to want really about?

wh,wh,waw

In the last month or two my teenage daughter's behavior is telling me that we have turned a page. We were chatting a few nights ago and suddenly she got upet at me and hung up. We have not spoken since. This is absolutely new for us. She did this in the context of arguing back and forth between her father and I indirectly through her over the phone. I understood what happened as it occured and I prepared myself for the fallout when it did come. But this time, it is about something I said and she chose to respond as she has. Of course I am considering her feelings and having to wait because she is not picking up the phone when I call. Apart from this being carried out in front of her father, the fact that she is reacting this way when I have done everything I can to teach and train her to talk about things...is disappointing. But here it is. So stay tuned.

A l i v e

You read about it and it is so simple....you want something-you work for it. You put your head down and you just focus until you can see that finish line. In one of my professions, you GET ahead by ostentatiously getting seen. You need one little break followed by another one, and hearsay and then just keeping on the tracks. You can get a job. But then to move up, you need to negotiate, proove your value.The other job has no advancement unless people leave. Then, being a freelancer is a free fall situation. Every job is a hustle, and juggling three does not lead to the big bucks that you see when you write it all down on paper. What am I doing wrong? There are millions of people thinking the same way and doing the same things. Yet, we all want to be special, and we buy into whole symbolisms of success and this isn't changing anytime soon. Covid-19 Hiroshima's the world and we have to start over again with the same playbook. So many people are running all over the place trying to get back on top, while others are holding steady waiting for the shit to clear and hoping that they have something left to start over with and then there are people who will not be able to have what they had ever again. In this free for all, I wonder who is standing, what are we doing? Yet, you kinda know. You see it whenever there is a recession and then it ends. Everyone forgets where we were.

I may have written awhile back about wanting to be complemented once in awhile. Well, two days ago, the thought just popped into my head about that conversation had with an old friend and also here. I am in such a different place about that, that it is worth a chuckle. Of course someone appreciating you and letting you know, will always be an emotional massage. However, I can now say that any feel good should always start with you. Having to get it from outside yourself is swell, but if you keep doing that, then when you don't get it, you think you need to look for it from outside and then your always looking for it somehow. You don't have to look in the mirror and tell yourself things. That may be a start, but really you have to massage your own heart. You have to be gentle with yourself. But not just gentle, your not playing games or patronizing yourself. You are really considering the little person inside the grown up you. That is the person deserving of the complements and they have to come from you. Build from within.

new choices

My sister had been telling us about the process of her surgery every step of the way. Today she sounded stronger. We have gone on her adventure with her. We have done what we do, we support her and we are there for her. This week I have been speaking from an awareness of the whole playing field. I had an unexpected conversation thrown onto me about the months before my divorce. I was literally being told what I went through as though I didn't know my own story. However I was amazed at myself. I have grown considerably since that time. I didn't care whether they agreed with my version of my story or not. Usually I attempt to be measured and sober about things because when I am overly emotional as I had been back then, and can be on occassion, I am not helped by it. Speaking openly about the past did something even more miraculous,I saw the patterns, the misdirections, intentions and mis-steps. Blaming was pointless. I also saw how much something like that, though casting a long shadow of emotion over ones life, it does not mean that one has to live ones life thinking that it carries into the future. My sister's surgery is like that. You can go on and on with the expected doubts, anxieties and then...life happening. You decide or you don't decide and you can see the playing field.

because

In a few hours my sister shall be having some serious surgery. Right now I am up doing some work and looking at a local film that I never got to see.She is doing something that she has wanted to do for some time, and although I feel a bit nervous about her decision, but we are all supporting her and will be on the phone with her until she has the proceedure and of course, after that. My sister's actions tell me about my decisions that seem big to me also. She is anxious, and she is making the steps. That is the way to go. One foot in front of the other. My little sister is an inspiration.

It's me, not you

Little things can cause so much illumination to changing big things. While I was talking to that same friend I have been writing about, I brought up to break in friendship with another person, and I walked right into the part I played in the demise of that relationship. I got that person into habit of relying on me to the point where the dependence irritated me beyond measure. I did speak up and tell her at the time and after that time about the impact her actions had on me. But today I see that I also gave her permission to believe that I was always available. I took for granted the type of friendship I shared with my best friend who passed away in 2010. We had a great symbiotic relationship. We did not tire of the other. We gave each other space, we talked often and met often and then had our own lives. I cannot really explain how it worked so very well, except to say that we nurtured what we had. I bring this up today because I believe that I have made the decision to leave well enough alone with some people this year, but of course I think about it. In so doing, I look at my part and what I do on my side. I don't know if I need to change my behaviour? I just have to be more in tuned with myself when I share my life with another person. I have set good boundaries by not continuing toxic behaviour from her. There is no question that I made the right decision. But I did give her bad habits as well.

also...this...

It may be watching the Tokyo 2020 games that causes this train of thought... AMBITION...some people have more or less a clear understanding of what they need to do to get from point A to B to Y. Life is happening along this trajectory and somehow, little by little, the results begin to show.For my profession, I find that my beliefs stemb towards making new pathways. So things like a promotion, or getting a P'hD or courting favors do not appear on my list of moves to get ahead. What are my moves to get ahead? Pretty much what I have been doing for decades, making work, getting work and doing my best to be a good saver. It isn't that I am not ambitious. I have been dealth a card or two that has led me to shrink my expectations and slow my plans. I would say that under the circumstances I am amazed at my attitude to still find myself excited about the works to come and keep me moving forward. I talk about eh Olympics but I think it may be a series that I have been looking at called Mysteries of the Abandoned. It is a fascinating series about structures that have been left to decay and discusses what they were used for and why. Of course a great deal of the architectural structures are from wars won and lost. It is shocking when you get the costs of so many of them. The figures are always in the billions or hundreds of millions of dollars in todays money. Many of them are left because a war has ended, or the technology changed so completely that the reason for the structure is no longer viable and is subsequently too costly to re-purpose or destroy. Seeing what looks like such waste, so much effort, so many people losing their lives to build tunnels into rock. Or to build steel bridges to nowhere, it oddly puts my own desires into perspective. We are all here for a short time. One day you are young and many days after you are very old. We all go in the same direction. I think that what is equally as important as having plans for your own accomplishments is also having accomplishments for your plans that have nothing to do with money. Those moments that are impossible to quantify are so important. I love when I am with my daughter for example and in the middle of a moment I know that I have captured the sublime and I just ride through it. Almost like a scent of lavender, or roses in the air. Or a butterfly floating by.

the pillow

The stalling my own efforts that I felt a few days ago is something that I am paying close attention to. I know that I plan and I focus and I get all that I need to get in gear. Yet, something, sometimes other responsibilities, other plans take my mind and abilities away from the attention needed for that goal. What this means is that I have to tighten my discipline even more. Most of all, make my timelines stricter when I see that other things are throwing me off of my goal. This matters to me so much because I find that every year the things that I would really love to see completed, I always put aside in favor of more pressing projects. Of course that makes sense. But now, I find that I want to make the time for them. I have done so in the last two years and covid-19 has helped. But, I got much further and then stopped again! Other things take prescidense. As I have already stated, I am going to really check myself about this! I want to accomplish much more and I have to break through to the other side.

more on discomfort II

My friend whom I mentioned in the last post contacted me the next day to ask for my help with an issue she was having.Her approach with things is always about results. Yet, this time, it was difficult to explain to her that she has some black and white beliefs that are practically impenetrable. I thin that the only way to have her believe something she does not know is to impress her with knowledge from people she respects.Only then does she not challenge you. It is so interesting to see the differences sometimes between creative thinking and theoretical thinking. I too love to solve puzzles and to amass facts. However, I have also seen many a time the way such ridged thinking does not always pay off. Again, I am finding 2021 fascinating for literally shaking off some old beliefs once and for all. An example I will use is one based on race conscious language that still holds today. So many people just parrot certain beliefs.If you challenge the perception, it is so thin in reality. You can just show by example the way that violence and fear is not about the color of any skin. Poverty is known by every race.Peel back the layers and you find those core issues.When you make that clear, a different conversation can begin.

...more on discomfort...

This year I am finding how much I strive for certain things and do not realise how close I sometimes am, or that I am already in the middle of those accomplishments. Sometimes you are busy thinking that you would be so much better off if and when a certain amount of money presents itself. Then sometimes you realise how much you are contradicting yourself with the very things that you think will make you happy. Also, trying to project ahead to next year and so on, particularly when covid-19 really shifted things so drastically, what now? Just for a moment it is essential to literally step away from yourself if you can. You just shut down all the noise and you allow yourself to put all of your usual constant thoughts on hold. You just ask yourself for this one moment to stop thinking in the supposedly ordered way that you are used to. It is worth listening to what comes through to you then. It is a bit like a video game or Sci-Fi movie. empty space at first and then a bunch of projectiles that are all vying for your attention and a return to what you always do. But you have to be a great Tennis player. Eventually you can latch on to a new or a different thought on your old way of thinking and you can follow that and then that leads you to somewhere new and even possibly a solution to some things that you can never fix with the same thinking. I will even go further...I ask myself, what script am I reading? What have I set up for my particular beliefs on what I deserve or expect and what IS?

Unreasonable Doubt

I am having an introspective moment of moments. A dear friend and I spoke tonight and she was very helpfully making me see how little I have to do to just get ahead with one or two things that I am doing. I have a habit of coming up with what is always some grand idea that I then pursue in my mind for hours, days, weeks and sometimes months and years. I go over and over in my mind all the variables. Sometimes I take action and I write down and sketch and scribble. Other times I go even further, creating prototypes and even testing things with tangible concepts literally in hand, and then .....they go nowhere. So, she is being helpful, and I am hearing myself sounding like I am flailing around trying to sound confident while my mind is reeling about what I did not accomplish. However, I did also listen. I listened to her, I listened to my insecurity and I listened to the silence too. Anything that feels untested and uncharted makes me always feel better to keep on the written page and not fully explored beyond a certain point. She was talking to me in a way that I talk to so many people who want my advice. I appreciated it.There is a block between me and what I want although I do do so many things that do not stall me at all. Some things I just do...yet, some things, I just don't finish. In all of this, I decided that I had to look at my flawed logic, or comfortabe positioning? It is all enough for me to pause for a moment and ask myself the pivotal question of what is my stall? She is telling me "just do it". I have told myself the same thing many a time. So what is it? I got an answer with our conversation. She was able to ask a question that pinpointed why I did not take one of my grand ideas as far as I could, after so much work. It turned out to be a small but very valid reason. Breaking down personal misconceptions is key here. I think it was all very helpful and I shall obviously write more on this as I see how it has assisted me going forward.