the rainy day

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better today

I was so frustrated yesterday and a bit less so today...but really it is only because the mood has changed to something else that needs to be fixed. I am sure that that reads as more confusing than I have written it. ANyway, it is a rainy day and we may be under storm watch for the next few days. I do want to go out though, so I shall see how that's going to go. I want to point out what I am achieving no matter how small, and today when I was particularly frustrated, I named why...it was because I had no shoes to put on to go to the kitchen. Now this is funny because my daughter has been stealing my shoes ever since she was about two. I have decided that I need to buy myself a pair of obnoxious fluffy, entire foot encased by some silly cartoon character tyoe of slipper so that she'll leave them alone. See what I did....I took the mood somethwere better.

You always feel that you wish you had more time. Having virtually gone to the funeral of an Artist whose work I appreciated, I am in a whistful mood. What the hell is time anyway? You do until you don't right.All the time is stretched out before me and I have no idea what sort of hourglass I am looking at. Somehow I don't know what I am looking at.When that's the case, ones eyes become adjusted and what is felt is more on the inside. What am I made of? Where do I want to epxress? Particularly in this world right now where Israel and Iran are destroying the other and the world seems more uncertain than ever. So it is essential to pull back and be aware that although so much distracts and concerns and worries, you have the hourglass and you have to remember that.

such beautiful failure

I haven't done this, I haven't done that. Suddenly I don't look like myself one moment and then the next I think it may be coming back. F__A__C__E______L__I__F__E squarely on and realise that I have something before me. A few weeks ago a very creative designer died. It was a slap in the face. I had been seeing their work and really enjoying it as I had to go past it a few times. That is what our work is supposed to do. I looked at a lot of what they had been doing when I heard about their passing, and as always, I found myself lamenting for their sudden ending. But they had enough work for me to say, what a body. There is a funny back and forth when writing about this. You have to be in the moment and just DO. I am writing so much today because I want to work, but I am exhausted. I think that I have mentioned this in the last few days. I have had at least three days of constant work with only three and four hours of sleep and stopping only to bring my food before my computer. I do it whenever I have a project, but this one was a doozy I guess because it was supposed to be a quick project and turned out to be as intense as any others I do. Also, I am in a funny mental space where I am in a limbo....coming down from things that came at me from many directions. So I am telling myself, come down from everything and decompress. Be grateful to be able to do so. You shall be setting off again very shortly.

my adult

Last night I realised that my daughter has literally come to the end of her highschool life. I took a look at her and felt a sense of the bittersweet. I was conscious that I was in that moment doing what parents all over the world do. We all have to say goodbye to a period of time given to us that was so precious, so filled with the expected and unexpected. I thought of her father missing out on the moment on Father's day. But he has chosen to lose things that to me seem deeply important for his own ego. Enough about him. The weeks ahead, I shall be thinking about her differently, and she and I have discussed her plans. But with all the planning, I also want her to take a little break. She needs to rest and regroup. I would like us to have perhaps two to three weeks of unscheduled fun.

Dis

While I was writing yesterday a few things occured to me and I planned on making note, but I have been running on fumes, doing a book, getting things for my daughter for her graduation and a host of other things. SO thus the title, DIS, as in dissatisfaction. But really, it is 'satisfaction' I have been following up on where my thoughts go. What happens when I make a plan and consider that whatever it is that I want to achieve will happen. Well I am so aware that that doesn't always happen. I am finding that my intentions that I stand behind is key. WHether it is the right timing, I give my best. But I aldo worry that I do too much (absolutely true) Everything that I do does not bring me money right away or for years sometime.So there is a hovering anxiety about supporting myself and yet also feeling wary about what I am doing. Completely overturning the applecart is my consideration now.

wanting to be so good that nothing happens

One of the things that I want to do for my birthday is to create a little book of my own work. I have wanted to be published, but it has not happened, so I have decided to make it happen anyway. I am coming to realisations that all that effort and longing and in some ways, forcing certain expectations in life are just stress inducing indulgences. Of course that may be the conclusion because of natural defeat. I say that to be funny, and I do mean it. I think that I am getting to the fleshier part of the proverbial onion whose layers are to be peeled back. As things fall away, you really focus differently. ALso within what does also continue to have a smidge of the past anxiety no matter...just old habits reminding myself of the journey...there is a clarity in it all.

poverty

Recently I was in a meeting and I was receiving messages about the thinking of the community that I am part of. We were wondering how to get what we needed for everyone to benefit, especially the people who give nothing back but complain and want the benefits. When I was asked how much money we could raise, I gave the lowest amount in my estimation. This made me realise that I was influenced by two facotors. One, my belief based on what I was being told about people and horror of horrors...my own expectations. I had to sit with that one. I don't see myself that way, but clearly I have a limited view of some things. I had to give it some thought and some more thought. I had to admit that over the years I have been worn bown by unrealised expectations. I had to acknowledge how easily I swayed toward disappointment over successes. I had become expectant that it was not worth trying because my outcome would not lead to anything much. I was appalled! Particularly when I am so sensitive to people who speak in such ways about themselves and how much i work to disavow people of any sense of self criticism. But for myself I settle into it like a warm bath. What was I going to do about this? First, become aware. Then, observe, thenpause whenever I am about to slip into the warmth of self criticism and choose to consider something better.

beauty

A few years ago, i was reading one of my favorite magazines,Vanity Fair. An article caught my attention, an interview with the actress Jessica Lange. She was asked at her advancing age, what did she consider most for herself, and she said to be beautiful. At the time it sounded vain. Why would she want that? As I get older, I understand her answer better, for it is not just surface that her reply implies to me. As the years tick by, facing challenges with grace and beauty is a very real thing.

and yet still

Sometimes I wonder whether where I am and where I wondered I would be at twenty and thirty I now see that I am embodying now for what the I shall be in my future. At twenty I remember trying impossiblyto form some sort of cheatsheet to the future. Could I reach out and plot the points to get me to where I had no idea I might be going. I wondered, I hoped that I would put more of my steps right than wrong. But alas, that is wishful thinking. Friends died. Things ended. Some other things began. I am now here. I think the lithmus test is whether I am still hopeful. I think that that is a blessing and quite enough.

When I am tired it is usually the worst time to consider serious topics. However, I am also always driven to act especially when I feel that I cannot continue.I have found the year challenging, and I knew that it would be. However, I have more than just managed for all of these months, but it has not been easy. I step away from all that I bring before my thoughts in a sort of visual list in my head, and I consider all of it as quickly as I can.I am going somewhere with all of this-: some of this is exciting, because I don't know how to actually explain it, but I can now see 'energy' in action. I feel it too. I hear myself say something and I then can see and feel how things from that comment fans out to get whatever it is I focus on. I used to not understand energy at all. I used to say and to especially think, if ebergy is instintanious, then why can't I get a million dollars like, right now as I think about it? It isn't a foolish statement, but energy works like that, but not as expected. So it can mean, anything...a million dollars can includelooking at a million dollar building. Lol. Or experiencing a million dollars in tiny moments including your bank account. The other day, I was so aware of what energy does so poetically that after I put the thoughtform I had into the world, and It felt all gossemar and windswept...I saw how it interacted with itself and then went out into the ether and I was amazed when what it found was more of 'that' to bring back to me. I felt at the time that I wished that I could actually have the time to consider it in a greater way. But now that I am writing here, see....I found the time. I am the time.

Already

The things that I have found to be confrontational this year has taught me a great deal. As I approach another birthday, I am particularly wistful about emotions. I have no other way to put it. For it is emotions that steer ones way, and as I have become used to sitting within silence, emotions have beoome the forst thing that comes forward to break said silence. So, I may be busy, focused...and depending on the circumstances, I can be prodded, jolted or as the slang goes, triggered. But what is particularly forthcoming when I am placed within that moment, is awareness of my seperateness from it as I am in it. So there is also a moment of watching and wanting the moment to get on with it so that I can get by it.