Part of me felt that I should not write this post to put any energy into the call that I got today. But my phone isn't ringing loudly, so I never heard the call, so he left a message.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.

Brand New Day

If personal guardian angels exist, mine must be so patient with me. Yesterday I went to a show of someone working in similar materials as myself.I was sensitive because I had asked that same gallery for a show and they never responded to my request.
She on the other hand,managed to sell her work, and just as had happened with the other artist last year, this artist has made me see things from another place, in other words, has taught me something that I needed to learn.
I have been bellyaching about not getting shown,yadda,yadda,yadda...today I woke up and the answer for myself,what am I not doing for my own wellbeing?
I had to literally listen to myself, and I got some interesting findings, these findings had to do with what is called my own inner scumbag.
I didn't realise that that was factoring into my life so strongly.
It suddenly occured to me, I am saying that this and that are obstacles. Yet,there is only so much information to proove that. No one is saying to my face, you cannot do so and so. They are just not responding. So what about what I can control? My own attitude, is it sound, is it healthy? It was then that I found a tiny self sabotaging voice that was expectant of the difficulties.
As is inclined to happen, this voice was not loud and clear.Instead it was subtle and underlying.
It was so sublte that I am inclined to believe that it works without my cognitive awareness on occassion! I took this to heart today, and I concluded that I had to forgive myself for my self-sabotage or self-pity.
I think that this is a huge breakthrough for me to come to terms with that.

I took a look at the Facebook page of an aquaintance today, and this person is doing alot of dynamic things. I feel as though I am standing still. But it was not looking at what is going on with that person that did it, but the suggestion last week of a friend. She wanted to know whether I would have liked to take my little one and go with her for the long Easter weekend to Tobago.
On the face of it, saying no is the expected response because she'll be there with her boyfriend and kids, and I do not feel totally comfortable with that arrangement.
However, it begged the question, what's happening with your life?
When was the last time that you went out just for pleasure?
I do not go out for pleasure. I go out for work, or to the lawyers office! My God, when did that start being my life?
As I looked at this person's pictures, I did not feel jealous, but I did feel stagnated in my own life. Maybe it is because there is so much tension right now, where everything feels so uncertain, and plans are not panning out as they should? But no, the real question is before me, what am I doing with my life is very real.
I have not had one day for myself where I just spend it on me, and take myself on a date. I just have never done that.
When I was speaking with my friend in India, I saw that I was beginning to open up to another, more fun side of myself, and when that communication uncerimoniously ended, I stopped pursuing some of those thoughts. But also, the loss of my computer and digital camera and other belongings didn't make it any better either.
I have to begin to see what I want for myself right now. How can I start to make things better for myself in my emotional life? What would it take? it is probably why it is so easy to find myself falling back ever so often into what ifs, and how am I going to manage?
There is another me, a really powerful me, a me who has the get up and go, and if I am not careful, she will get up and go without me.

Staring down fear

I believe that I may have named another post this before? But after writing what I just did, I remembered that I also wanted to write this.
When I feel as I just stated, I think that I should also just dare to go into the abyss and stare down whatever it is that seems to hold me fast.
Is it that I worry that I shall never make enough money to have my own life? Am I fearful of not living up to my childs' expectations? Do I worry that I will not be able to have a better life in my future? Am I concerned that I do not know how to go forward in my life?
Writing these things down actually helps that chasm that seemed to leap up in a blue haze. To see those words come leaping across the page is to see their ordinariness and to realise as well that they are just that, words that coat the psyche until one can see beyond them to other things.

Ever so often I feel blue...although I am aware that it does not last long. For example tonight my little one was studying my fingers as I put her to bed. So that helped me feel less down.
I suppose that it is only natural to feel this way when someone I have known all of my adult life now has walked away and not looked back.
The person I used to know would never do this. It makes me wonder what could be in such a mind? Is it that he is so steely that he could just forget with ease all the good and the great things of the past so very easily? I do not know anyone who can do that? Or even if he has gone away still justifying his rage, surely he should be able to see that it is not worth it?
What it tells me is that I probably never knew him at all? I know that I should not encourage this funk, but it all feels so wasteful, all that has gone on, wasteful to have done all that he did? For what?
Will I ever know and do I really want to?
Perhaps if I had had a different story by now, some new person in my life to distract me, I would not be feeling this way? Possibly?
Thankfully these moments dissipate quickly, and I move on to all that I am o thankful for now and for the future. I also suppose that the funk is there to remind me of better and better feelings around the corner.

Learning from work

At the moment I am working on a freelance job with someone who brought me on board. It has turned out that that person is not as professional as they claimed to be, and the worst of it is that they do indeed feel that they are extremely professional. It has been very challenging to work with them. They have made so many mis-steps that the client has called me several times and basically asked me to reign this person in.
It has been an experience to say the least.
For me the project has been straightforward. Get all of the elements to do the design, and she has not managed to give me these elements in a timely fashion, so now, she is bitching and moaning about charging too little, but she is still working on her part of the project although the deadline is next week.
She has also chosen to go to cricket when she should be working. So there it is.
What working on this job has shown me is my own work ethic. I have stayed on course (as I usually do) and I am very clear about my role (as I usually am)certainly the cost could have been higher, but in the negotiations, the client made it clear what could be afforded. We could have said no. I said yes based on the time factor and I have worked accordingly, not doing what I should not do.
So I am quite pleased that the project is on stream where my work is concerned.

much contemplation

Today I listened to my internal dialogue as I did a number of tasks. I was thinking about where I am at this moment, and the possibilities that lay ahead.
Some of my thinking was hedged in something that was said on television by an American. He was discussing the economy and saying that for the people who lost or are losing their homes because they could not afford their mortgages, they should simply cut a loss and move on. Your house is not your 'home', your 'family' is your home.

I understood the jist of what he was trying to say, but it sounded both harsh and condescending. Yet, within that statement there stood a nugget of thought that related to me in my life at this time.
It propelled the thinking within me about managing my present and what would my future bring?

I felt that a plan, any plan would benefit me, as long as at the end of each goal I saw results for myself and my child.
I felt as though I had not seen things this way before, and I became more and more curious about how I felt and what I want.
I was able to see that a large part of my inertia came from fear of the unknown and of course the suddenness of going it alone. I put all of that into perspective quickly and got down to brass tacks.

I gave myself a quick wake-up call. Where are you now and where do you really want to be going? But more importantly, what do you think happiness will really look like in your quest to be happy? Is happiness getting a house and a car and being able to travel and to have a large disposable income that keeps your needs met without worry?
In many ways, it feels as though aquiring these things is what you need to feed the machine, that machine is both ego and what society says you need to make it in the world.

Quite obviously there is no going back to primitive living, there is no point in that, and society would eat you alive and your child too.
There is a careful balance that one feels must be in place for life at this time. As I let the older lady pass me in the taxi, I wondered, am I preparing myself adequately for old age? Will my daughter be proud of my efforts?
What am I leaving behind?

When you are thinking like this, it seems as though every thought is concentrated, and life is swimming by. You feel as though time has slowed down for you to take a look at yourself from a distance. I saw things that I was not happy with, but I also was able to size myself up as not half bad at all.
I confronted my concerns about my age and timeframe for some of my plans, and I looked at the legacy thing too.

Did I get everything answered, obviously no, but I got started.