What a dichotomy,it threw me for a loop for some time. But now I can write about it in the fullness of time. I had thought that I had met someone who might become something special, but little nudges kept cropping up that suggested that things were not right. What was interesting was that in every way, The Towers looked ideal for me. But the little things were the issues that kept cropping up. They kept nagging at me. So you can imagine, several weeks ago, he had sent me a note wanting to see me, and I never got it, instead I got a message from him the next day, less happy about what he wanted to experience. Naturally I did not know about the why, so I got a big lecture about his wanting to have more of my attention. I found the whole reveal surprising,but I took it as an opportunity to see how well we communicated, particularly if we were disagreeing about something. I actually took the time and proceeded to take a whole day out of my schedule and spent it with him. The next week,it seemed like the understanding was forgotten, and yet again, i felt like, straight questions met no sensible answers, and worst of all, I could fell easily that he just was not on the same wavelength with me. To me, it is normal to get an answer to a question, unless it is deeply personal or you don't know what to say...also, for someone who had spent so much time talking with me, seeming to be making overtures towards me, it all felt like so much work. There was an inking of passive/ aggressiveness, and it was not like I was expecting perfection, but equally, I certainly was not expecting that every time I felt that we were getting somewhere, I had to start again with simple things. I just had to let it go. I suggested friendship, but he told me that that would be too challenging. WTF! Then ok, we had two projects to do, we could just be colleagues. He agreed and then blew me off for our first meeting. It was then that I threw up my hands and called it a day. It baffled me, why pursue me so long, only to send mixed signals when we finally interacted? I may never know. What I do know, is that this is the best decision for me.

Is iit possible...

The kind of issues that I come across sometimes, I know that whatever I experience, I am not the first or the last. Yet sometimes, saying that does not matter. I established awhile back that three people kept engaging me. How big is my damn ego really? I thought that I was dealing with it, but it seemed to have metastercised. Is it possible (yes it is) to have a great deal of love for more than one person? I read recently that it is not possible, that somewhere, you are in one stage of love with one, perhaps agape...meanwhile in another with the other person.
I say, ok, that's one view, and I am not saying that I expect some sort of miraculous situation to fix itself because of this conundrum. It just is what it is at this time. It is a sum of many years, of standing guard with emotions that have been mutually felt. In some ways, it is beautiful, and I would say, ultimately, beautiful. But I also say, it is sad, heart wrenching, and not at all planned.
It is contradictory at best. But it is a blessing to know that you cannot die from so much love....so much love inside and around you.
So one turned into a hopeless disaster.
One, completely untouchable, and one actuality.

What!

My year seems to be teaching me some challenging things, and I am doing my best to be in a state of grace throughout because I suspect that my lesson is to maintain focus no matter what. I have been out of sorts Lately,feeling as though to much is coming my way. But I instantly think on frequent flyer, who was very down himself the other day and I sent him some uplifting information that really rejuvenated him, and today he sent me some wonderful news. A complete contrast to that day. I have let quite a bit of life knock me about. But as I adjust my vision, I see that there is much that still assists me in being who I am, and I meet myself as friend. I see myself as a fixer. I like solving problems. I appreciate looking at que's. I like to listen and feel out something. I enjoy looking at nature in every form. Walking brings me peace. I talk with people a lot, but I really try not to act like a know it all, but I can find myself holding forth sometimes. I like to challenge old ways of thinking, love reading and learning stuff. I love to find new things. Travel broadens my perspective. I am more optimistic than not.I can over think things at times. I am not quick to anger,and I try to give my anxieties, fear or discomforts observation enough to petter out, I feel very let down with myself when in the rare moments I have acted emotionally. This may mean that I like control, and in some ways, I do like to feel that there is order in my life. Success means less to me about people who have objects than it does about people who are living their lives in ways that show that they are content with themselves. I have seen both rich and poor with that facility to love what they have. I like to be around others who have developed themselves in a way where they have a rich amalgam of experiences. They have not only seen a great deal, but are curious about the future, very much in the world. I continue to like my own company. I am rarely bored. I am always thinking about possibilities. My child fills me with wonder. I am honored to be able to watch and mold her, while being fully aware that she is her own person. She is my child, but not my possession. I must hold her close when she needs it, but I must also let her go. I have lost at love and been challenged by it. It has confused me, made me act quite counter to some very longstanding beliefs, and I cannot look at it quite the same again. I now see it as punctuation to a larger whole. I do not know how else to put it. I am aware of the programming we are given in our world about what we should be doing and when, This is all well and good, but we also are much bigger than this construct.we choose these experiences and we can always do better, be stronger. I care about doing my best to be fair to others. I watch my words and my actions. I am sometimes spontaneous. Aim sometimes contradictory. I face doubt and fear and do what I can to transcend it. When you become my friend I treat it with care, perhaps more care than I have ever taken a romantic relationship. I have big goals for my work and my legacy. I spend too mcu time on things that keep me from taking more care of myself and I am doing something about it now. This is all I shall write tonight. I may continue this again at some point.

And now...on with the show

What the he'll do I really want? I was surprised the other day when I saw some writing that I did on my ideal man and realized that The Towers sounds exactly like the " ideal" that I listed. I am so frustrated with him! I got all spontaneous and spent a whole weekend with him, and we had a lovely time. Yet, now, a few days later I feel like I had Chinese food. I don't mean it to sound so bad! What I am trying to say is that I am having an experience with this person but trying to keep my head out of it. I am literally sort of being shallow because as I told him, he sends mixed signals. I do not know what to make of the whole thing. Sure I can play his game and call it nothing and just continue along this vague route, but to what end? How does something like this play out? Do I even want to play? What the hell is the point of such a thing anyway? Sure one can say, enjoy it now in the moment. I would like to be able to do that, but it makes me feel as though I'm being asked to be someone younger. Before him, I argued about my not seeming to want commitment. Now I am bitching about this situation. Sheesh! I may be the one at fault here. What messages am I sending as well?

I used to..

I created this blog with the intention of writing an online private diary. When I did it, I knew that it could be seen by the random viewer and I decided that in a way it was a compromise that I could live with. However, now I am finding myself hesitating to write my deepest feelings here and this bothers me. This is not what was supposed to happen here.I really need somewhere to acknowledge all of my insecurities, missteps, dirty little secrets and other neurosies. Now I feel like I have to pick and choose what I write because it may somehow compromise my anonymity, and that sucks big time. I want to experience and know all the facets of me, the good and the not so good. So I am going to try to move past this situation and keep to my initial intention, no matter what.

Some new opportunities are being presented to me. It means that I have to juggle things even more than usual, but this time around, I am being mindful to eat on time and also to find ways to get a few minutes for myself here and there. Three of the things shall begin in the next few weeks. This means making some schedules to be able to start them and then delegate things, because I cannot do it all by myself. Two of them are projects where I can involve students. The other one is a personal project that I have ventured to do many times before, but now seems as good a time as any to do it. I am very excited about all of this, as I make yet more plans for May and September. My main focus is asset building, as well as job creation. What has also been interesting is that today I was chatting with an old school friend and he got me to discuss yet another project of mine, an old one from many years ago, that I researched quite a bit, and then hit many snags and stopped. I have not forgotten that writing project. His making me discuss it got me very happy about it. I remembered all that I had done back then, and can see that the potential is still there. Later, as I visited the printery, the marketing rep asked me the name of my company....a nice sign! The nicest part of today has been knowing that I have these things happening and that I can see how they are to be done and the time is right to do them.

And so it goes...my very eventful week led to much introspection. I have been taking some things, like The Towers, too seriously. I do not have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I am familiar with dealing with things a particular way, and because this is different, I want to move at my pace. So that is what I am going to do. Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died, and there is much news, as would be expected on all of the stations about the life she led as prime minister of Great Britain. She is a reminder that tough decisions will not engender you to all people. You have to make strong decisions because they must be made. This was what I was confronted with last week. I cannot think too far ahead, when things might get quieter or seem to be back to a routine. This was someone who factored in my life for so very long. There was always a period of separation and then one of return, but now, as they could not adjust in so many ways and became addicted and careless, and I must say that there was some indulgence on mg part, one has to just suck it up, put on the big girl panties and focus exclusively on what does work. I will state here though that I feel sad about the whole thing, because it did not have to be this way, but as I have accused myself in the past of taking too long to make a shift in perspective, this is what happened here. If only the changes could have stuck. But there was something unusual about the last face to face meeting, it seemed that deep down something about what was to come was known. In many ways, this really needed to happen. It reminds me of my own ling term relationship. Things are not working, and no amount of counseling will work when two people have altered their expectations and could easily be alone quite happily without the other person. But this is not my call. It is what can be seen at this present time. Despite my decision, I will always care about what happened and what it all means to me. But I have to also put it behind me.