musings are not always amusing

A few days ago I had an exchange with someone and I thought that we were in good standing. However, they chose to look at what transpired very differently from me. The good thing was that they told me about it tonight. What was interesting in our dialogue is something that I have experienced all week with women, specifically. Everyone has had selective hearing. I am speaking, but they are only listening to what they want to hear. Or, what they hear only relates to the level of the experience they want to have. At first I felt a bit offended and exasperated. But, feeling both emotions now make me pause and view beyond naming what I feel. By doing so, I become aware that something is happening for me to observe. What I conclude is this-: some people 'say' that they want something, but they do not really want to do what they need to do to make it happen. In the case of this person, they are in their own way. They blame everything but themselves for their predicament. It made me feel a bit sad actually, because I am certain that I can see this now because I behaved this way a great deal in my own life. I can see now that it comes form fear, it comes from not trusting a process. it comes from having no understanding of possibilities...I can go on and on. I am conscious of this very seriously now because of what I want to experience next in my own life. If I am going to have some of the things that I want for myself, I too shall have to think differently. I see it every day when I exercise and when I eat. I see how my body reacts to the food I consume and the way that I choose to push my body and I really learn so much about life from that. Another huge revelation that I am experiencing because the person I like lives in another country for a few months more...the distance helps me to see old patterns and observe alternative ways of acting. I am used to a man calling me. In fact, I usually expect that men who like me get very quickly addicted to contacting me often. I don't call them. They call me. I expect that that is the pattern of behavior. This time around, this person and I are not doing that, and I am beating up myself in facing that probably I should call him. I had started alright, but began to feel really odd about it, and decided that I would not do anything that made me feel weird or not like myself. My contradictory views are-: on the one hand, I am thinking that I should just chill until we meet again. But then there is the other side that says, ok, shouldn't both of you be at least communicating once a week with a call or something?!? I guess I should ask myself that question. I stated that I usually don't call men. Its not that I am not attracted or interested. They make the effort or make it their habit. But I don't make it mine, and with this person, I have stated before that I feel that I have met myself. So this is damn interesting. This conundrum has made me conclude something today. I am going to do what makes me feel most myself.

some thoughts about thoughts

There is a level of sensuality and delight that I am experiencing and I am aware that feelings like that do not last forever. However, I am beginning to suspect that the very act of such emotions have everything to do with a few well placed ways of seeing, and if my theory is correct, than it can go on and on as long as I narrow my focus. In the past I always believed that a complement or a good feeling coming from someone else, particularly in a romantic setting, was somehow like a trinket, a flower to press in a journal. Or a bit of ribbon to carry close to the heart. Indeed. But there is a part of the experience that I myself attract. Insecurity sometimes seems to be bigger than the good feelings that I exooth. I have made a habit of brooding, and now, I have a more balanced way of viewing my day and my life. So, I know that I send out particular vibes.Now, I know that treating myself with certain cares that I give to others, goes a long way toward a better quality of life, whether someone is in my life or not.

So many beautiful, stimulating thoughts cross my mind.For once, harboring negative feelings as the dominant ones are not the constant. How it happened still amazes me. It is accurate to write that like everything else in ones life, if you want to change, you have to work at it. I am now thinking more proactively about ways to reward efforts that I make, and I don't mean with things that are physical. I mean with things like, a checklist of accomplishments. Or by adding another level of ways to do even better. It may seem like something that everyone did in primary school. I am doing this now. Lol.

so emotional baby

I got some sage advice today before going off to the funeral of a dear relative and darling Auntie. She was not feeling well and everything just progressed quickly after that.Her death impacted me dramatically because of the way that she lived her life. She was fun loving, bubbly, confident and beautiful. Her twin brother, I don't know how he shall deal with this sudden loss.What her death has taught me is that there is really no time to waste. Do the things that you want to do and do them no matter what! This life is so short, so filled with uncertainty. I was thinking of taking a picture of myself and putting the words, living while terrified underneath it. What I mean is that, I have found that there have been things in my life that I have no idea how to handle them, but I put one foot in front of the other and I get what I need to get, done.I am usually criticizing myself.But today, that can wait.I am taking a moment to feel good about myself for a change. I have a brave streak, an adventurous streak. When I feel confident, look out. I am unstoppable. When I can see how to do something, it gets done!I have seen myself turn people around for the better more times than I can count. I inspire myself. I like that I can make light of things, turn the other cheek and really move on from something that seemed to make me feel stuck. I am always looking to do something better. I don't wallow for long. I am loving, warm, friendly. I put people at ease. I actually care about people. I like making others happy.I am a problem solver. I take no pleasure in the misfortunes of others. I want everyone to feel good about themselves. When I am faced with challenges, I don't blame other people. I get introspective about what i can do to be better, do better, or I understand that some things cannot be changed and I do my best not to sweat the small stuff. There is much more about me to like than to feel distressed about. Right now I believe that finally I am telling myself the things that I must, to be genuinely happy. Alot of it will come from acting instead of processing and weighing every step. I remember when I would ask myself what I needed, and I would face a blank page. I could not even conjure up the simple sentence...walking in the grass and looking up at the sky. I was so tightly coiled. I have faced losing people I love, I've faced having no money. I have faced many things, and I know people who make my issues seem self indulgent. I am more good than not, and I feel so fortunate right now. So happy.

not the same

Not at all. I used to be very comfortable with reaching people through friendship. It was simple. You say something to me, I say something back. I knew that I was charming, and funny and quick with puns and facts, figures and history.It was a no brainer. I even used to say, getting to know someone, meeting someone and disarming them was not ever a problem for me, it was what to do after that? It was a good way to be myself, to get what to me was fundamental about any relationship, and that was and has always been to establish friendship. It is honest, natural and right in my mind. I cannot imagine not being that way. Yet, now, I see a part of it as actually limiting me. I see that in its innocence, I also did something instinctive that had an underlying heaviness to it. While I was getting to establishing friendship, I was also judging and layering the information in categories, assessing the person for similar and dis-similar traits. I was being clinical. I was determining worthiness, longevity, future challenges. In a way, I was being overly analytical, not 'personable' at the end of the day, and ultimately not able to even be myself. How could I be, if I had my guard up even when I thought that conversation came so lightly, and smiling, laughing and exchange was actually more loaded than I acknowledged? Now, I am not condemning myself for this. I enjoyed doing this for years. I probably would not have been any the wiser that I had this tendency until this very entry, this very year. The things that I am observing now in this new situation have changed everything. I stand in wonderment at myself. I see myself, and I have so much to say about that. I see myself looking at myself observing myself. My new thing now is to listen to what I do to claim that this is what I say I want, against what I feel, emote, and really do. I see now how much I molded and re-shaped what I received from people who came into my life with their own issues and met me with mine. I think the first time that I suddenly challenged my way of seeing this was with The Towers. I'd done this with my ex-husband too, but he completes the illusion so well that it was like watching a shadow for a second come into perspective, so no, I never took the musing further. The Towers did it, when I implanted a thought into his mind about something that I wanted him to do, and when we met again, he not only did it, he stated it as though it were his idea. I noted it in my mind when it happened, and I wondered about the power of it and decided not to abuse the ability. But, I didn't do it to see if he would take the instruction, I did it to see something else. I was curious about the fact that I could be talking to him so very well, for hours in fact and then, suddenly I might say one small thing and upset him severely. I didn't understand where his insecurity was coming from? I concluded that there was my behavior, his behavior but also his expectations that came into question, because the angst never felt as though I did anything, it seemed to come from something I unwittingly triggered in him. .......... Now, I see how much I can write all of those entries about what I desire in a partner and meet that person and not be ready in the least for what I say I want. I see every day in friends, family and strangers everyone struggling with their emotions in some way. .......... What has been amazing this year is how much I realize I must let go to be able to see that I hold nothing to begin with. Having the feelings that I do now, I can't go back. My old playbook is burned. My comfort zone has evaporated. I am exposed. I have to take everything one step at a time. This isn't that love that is addictive. I am not to stock up on joy juice. It just didn't work out like that, and it nearly did. I could have rode that horse with ease. But I am not meant to this time. This isn't same old, same old. No sir. This time I have to say loud and proud that this is what I desire. This is what I will work for. This is what I am working on. In a way, I am loving myself so hard! Lol. Everything I think I am feeling and maneuvering or whatever I am being cute with, I see it as me embodying myself.I don't know what other way to describe this feeling. There is so much room for me to see. I am not distracted at all. This is all that I can manage tonight. I have so much more to write. But this is it for now.

I am on the verge of something new. Prior to this experience, I had other encounters that I wrote about at length on these pages. Yet, somehow, this feels as though those were nowhere close to what I feel now. In a way, this is accurate because, I never really looked at any of those things as certain. They were speculative at best, and they held me in a limbo. I have been in such a limbo for so very long that I almost do not know how to interpret this new experience. However, I know that I have some fight in me. I am not about to let insecurity steal my chance at achieving the things that I have bent my own ear back about wanting so badly. I believe that I can do this now because of all of the work that I did in 2017. From taking a dance class after wanting to do so for endless years, to realizing that I could not go back to business as usual. In fact, not going back to business as usual is what this entry is about. The usual is just not in the cards in 2018. Driving is on my agenda. Whittling down my major debt this year, which I see on the horizon. Then there are the cosmetic issues that I have to deal with and the document filling with my sister to see to. I have some other things to complete. Also, I have to shift over some of my investments to a new account that I expect to yield better results.All of that is in my sights. Everything will get done and I use my discipline with my exercising as my guide. I train even when it rains. So I got this! The sense of accomplishment and the reward that I see after is so addictive. I love to see the outcome of all of the hard work. Love it!!!

Waiting and anticipating, and curbing my feelings...everything I experienced was beyond my thinking. In a moment like this, I am scared and excilerated at the same time. I have been around friends and acquaintances who claim to want certain things, and I have seen how we all can talk ourselves out of our goals because we are more afraid of losing what we are yet to work for. I deliberately write this tonight so that I have the strength of my conviction. I fought this man. I felt so much and I was so afraid and I am still filled with fear because I have no idea what can happen. But equally, I am much more buoyed by the fact that walking away again would leave me forever tormented. I would even say that what is happening to me isn't even really about him at all, because I am not making any claims or having any expectations. I don't think that I have ever gone into a relationship with less baggage than I have now. When I state less baggage, what I mean is the assurances that I always felt necessary to have, which is a great deal of time getting to know the person and using that as a gauge to move forward. I am devoid of that, and it doesn't interest me to size him up in that way. In fact, I now find that meeting him with all of that artifice is so extraneous! I can see clearly how doing that can impact liking someone. We both arrive with our guards up, our experiences in a duffle bag as if we are heading to a boxing ring and not towards the love we seek. What I am looking at now is the next steps that I feel...not the ones I'd usually plan. I have work to make, things to do, then we shall connect again in April. Or perhaps sooner. But, again, I am just in a haze of sensations. I don't feel the usual things...the ok, lets text and hold hands. That isn't it. The organic nature of the thing is what interests me. I desire to let it flow.