I got a call yesterday from my superior. They are in a serious jam and needed "someone' to help them. I decided to step forward and assist in any way that I can. Our contracts have not come in as yet, and the person said that they would have to make whatever adjustments to my salary. I don't know whether that means that the promotion that I was promised is now being held up, or whether this new emergency request made of me is one where it would be added. I should know soon. It is a bit vexing to be nail biting about this matter. Last week I let the cat out of the bag about my status in the most unexpected way. I let slip that I assisted with a project and two of my colleagues looked at each other and one replied with surprise. Just as I said it, I realized that I was in trouble. It is so funny. I want to stave off ass kissing and back biting as much as I can. But really, I do not have any control over the way people who are reasonable and polite with me today will behave tomorrow? What I am doing though is getting out my suggestions for projects that i have discussed over the last few years anyway. If they come forward and choose to be part of them, is up to them. I shall find ways to get them done. What all of this means is that I have given myself some challenges. My plate is overflowing. But I am determined to see that at least one or two things happen before the year is over...promotion or not.

There are moments in my life that I spent by myself and experience great satisfaction from observing my world and being alone with my thoughts. Today on the bus into the city, I found that I was getting into the usual what if I had done this or said that, and I told myself that that is all well and good. But whatever relationship I have in the future, there are some things that I have learned from the last one. One of them is to be mindful that whatever is happening is a result of choices on both parts. Sure I can think that this was thought and believed. But I will always be speculating. It may be normal to do it, but what I am doing when I do that is unknowingly giving the other person credit for what is coming from me. What I am probably stating badly is that I find that I get into a blame spiral. I think somehow that I was not good enough. I feel that way particularly when I have no answer to what happened. Now, I'd say that my responsibility is to keeping myself interesting and interested in my wellbeing. Certainly when something I have liked comes to an end, I reflect and can be emotional about it. Some things can hit you harder than others, death is a big one. There is no ignoring that. Here's the thing. It is imperative to know that I am good enough for myself. When I am confidant there is no better feeling in the world. The level of clarity that comes to me is sublime. I asked myself what was I meant to learn this time around? I already know that I went counter to ALL of my tight assed list of requirements. I went out of my comfort zone. I took a huge risk. I surrendered. I considered actually having a 'real' relationship with someone extremely different. I saw that I could be very open and non-regimental. I didn't need to know a whole lot of facts or interests. I went with the flow. There was an interesting dichotomy too. On the one hand I felt complete trust, joy and confidence. I also felt insecure about myself at certain times, even shy. New territory was facing me and I was willing to tread the waters. My business ideas and projects suddenly felt very realistic to do and complete because I felt that here was someone who would work with me...work on there own things and be supportive of me. It was just a feel good thing that I had going on and I am grateful for it. I didn't like the lack of contact though. I don't need to speak every day or every other day. but I do need to know how your doing at some point. That was wack, and now I gather why it was like that. I also experienced today some people I know talking about financial issues. The kind of moneys some people spend on certain things boggle the mind, and they do it. It validated for me the need to continue to do what I am doing. I will get thee is the end...hopefully sooner.

Oh, hello

One of the good things that I rely on myself for,is that I can be very focused. I am not easily distracted. If I am, it is because I want to do many things, and finally, I have been able to organize myself better where that is concerned. I have come to understand that in order to do it all, I have to treat myself like I would a student. Lol. I have to break things down into modules and increments and compartmentalize things where I really give everything I want to do some time...small bits of time...but consistent time. The way I used to behave when I had to read something complex for an assignment. It doesn't mean that things are not difficult, or a long process of try and try again. I still feel all of the anxiety and worry, sadness and hope and anything else that comes to visit me and keep me mired in doubt. Its just that I am familiar with everything I feel now. I know what it does and I know how it prevents me from achieving what I set out to do. Now, I can say, Oh, hello. I see you. Sit down a minute, I may even let you drone on for a spell. But guess what? I shall also be working while you talk. Ha! Take that! I think that I learned that from talking to my friend who makes demands on me sometimes....she and my neighbor who call and go on and on about their lives. When they do that, it is inevitable that it becomes my problem too. By listening and giving support, I take on the problem. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I empathize, But sometimes, its way too much and I have begun to put a stop to that. I cannot give all of my energy. I need it for myself.

sponge

When I got up this morning I stayed in bed a few minutes longer to just think about my day. I do that every so often. Today I started a bit down. The day before one or two things just felt so heavy for me. From the usual feeling that my weekend is spent alone, to getting email from a colleague who wants me to do some project for free. It was just enough to make me want to cry and scream at the same time. But as I have been writing, when I get like this, I no longer wallow in the emotion. I instead see it, feel it and assess what it can actually do to propel me out of its depths. However, some residue lingered. So I was in bed and I said to myself that with all of the things that yet again tell me that I should just take a walk to the cemetery and wait....as my mom says when she hears someone being hopeless....I can assess my circumstances and see what I should do next. It was interesting the way that my plans presented themselves to me. If I could film it, my perminant list of projects and goals popped into my head and spun around in their little spaces....lol. I saw how much I have wanted to get many of my plans off the ground and all the stalls and stumbles I have made over the years. I saw how much support and money seemed to completely derail anything I desired to do. Then to add to everything, I saw the way money just challenged my very ability to survive. The compromises to my very health because I was in court for years. Why get out of bed? I saw how even the one or two chances for love in my life mocked me too. It was so easy to fall back into the den of hopelessness. So very easy.Everything was so palpable that of course, they were all old friends. This was how it is. How to transcend these experiences? What to do? I have been here over and over and over again! I waited. Slowly, painfully slowly, my mind turned over. Look differently, I heard myself think. It is because you are at rock bottom again that you can see the horizon....and I nearly cried. I am not down for the count. I am still breathing. There is HOPE. There is HOPE.

Last night I was speaking with the Spartan. His views on women he has met in my country are disparaging. So much so that I have asked him to tone down or stop telling me about it altogether. meanwhile, I also had to tell him to stop talking about my physical attributes. This is typical of a certain kind of man who has been through a rough time. But equally, as a woman, I would say that I too have found dating post divorce to be extremely weird to say the least and mostly disappointing. I have concluded that at my age, I am going to meet damaged, challenged men walking right off the battlefield, all bloodied and PTSD(ed). Lol. I notice that the women I speak to complain about the same thing that men I know complain about. But somehow, they are not meeting each other. With all of the online dating sites out there, this is a surprise. I know many wonderful, beautiful women. I also know some very nice, kind and loving men. So what gives? Yet, the Spartan's words grate against my nerves. Somehow when he delivers some of his comments, I observe that he cannot gain my regard as juliemangoman had absolutely no problem with doing. It is amazing! I have come across this before. The Towers said something to me that made me storm out of his million dollar apartment that Frequent Flyer would say completely differently and get me wrapped up emotionally. It is so funny the way delivery, meaning, elegance, chemistry all play into how one person succeeds and another does not. However, I am writing about The Spartan from the perspective of his victimhood on the one hand and his arrogance on the other. He admits that when he was a younger man he was wild. But now that he has met a younger woman by at least twenty years, he wants to bad talk her in the worst way, saying she mislead him. I am getting the story in dribbles, but it is coming out. He was in such a lather about what she did to him. But when I tried to ask him about his part in the whole thing, he is less inclined to consider his responsibility to himself. We are all looking for love, for companionship. We all want someone to understand us, talk with, share things about ourselves, our day to day issues. Someone to have a laugh with. To empathize when we are crying, hurt or angry. Companionship is a powerful thing. I know that when juliemangoman touched me, I realized I was in serious trouble because I had not been embraced for real in so long that the very nature of being held by a man, far less one smelling as he was and how tall he was, I was lost in his arms and I wanted to hold on. The idea that I was reacting that way, could come across as desperate sad to say. I was instantly aware of it and scared to death that I could be "one of THOSE women..it is natural to feel and to react,but in our world right now, its seen as too much from a woman, so despite what you want to do. the truth is that a woman still should play games with men. There is no equality there. I wish I could say otherwise. But it seems that it is still hinged in game playing. I resist, you pursue. But the funny thing is that when most women resist when they are older, it is because they really are not interested in the man at all. It is a fine balance. I see nothing wrong with showing your feelings and putting your truth out in the open. Answer questions, say what you want...be confident. Do not play on a man's playing field, play on your own is a saying I have. I adhere to it still. But I would say that despite my confidence, this last time, I was met with more than I could intellectualize. Damn! I was a blubbering mess! Lol and damn!!Sometimes it is just how it is. Its kinda great to know that with all you feel you know, there is always something that turns what you know on its ear.

I have gone through a few things yesterday that I want to sort out here.I know that I have had to adjust my behavior suddenly. I have decided to not fight my feelings or tamp them down. So far I find that it has worked well. What I started with yesterday, was a resolute sense of things. But it was much more. I was actually able to see my moods in a detached way. Gone was some of the angst and the type of thoughts that would hold me captive in a way that would be like an undercurrent of emotion that followed me around like background noise. Then I was online and he was also and I posted something to poke at him and he read it. What became clear to me was that despite how much I am moving on and more stoic, I was suddenly faced with a rush of emotions that I cannot keep from escaping like water from a dam. I have to just let everything happen, and that is a challenge to me. All of my experience with juliemangoman has been to me, about losing my tight grip on logic and control. It is a truly vulnerable thing for me to experience, and also an amazing feeling...because with it has come so much learning that I have appreciated. That is partly why I find difficulty with carving him up and being nasty about his character. I genuinely felt at my core a calmness amidst all of the tumult of emotion swirling around me. It was as though I experienced him on a chemical level, which is most likely the case. So, I was resolute about what I feel and the fact that I cannot sit and mope.But also,there is an awareness that every experience is not the same. I may be dealing with every stereotype in our characters, but equally, at every moment one has the opportunity to see ones actions from an adjusted perspective and thus, survive the slings and arrows if you are stealthy enough. Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? So much time is spent naming and shaming. What about feeling and being? It isn't easy, not by a long shot to shift perspective, but it is very do-able. I come to my space today because the minute I decided to be naughty, and my thoughts were all in place, my old feelings were also still very much there. That is only to be expected, but still, I was conflicted. I tested myself. If we were to speak now, what would I do and how would I feel? It is there that I saw my biggest growth at least in theory. I have repeatedly said that we need to talk, and then become tongue tied and completely forgetful of my intentions. But now, if that were to happen,that is what I would want to do.

How I survived

By remembering what I love to do anyway. Remembering that this is but a moment and the show isn't over By respecting that I have many wonderful and helpful memories By still being excited about my future By being grateful By helping others with their issues By being able to enjoy simple things By letting go