There are moments in my life that I spent by myself and experience great satisfaction from observing my world and being alone with my thoughts. Today on the bus into the city, I found that I was getting into the usual what if I had done this or said that, and I told myself that that is all well and good. But whatever relationship I have in the future, there are some things that I have learned from the last one. One of them is to be mindful that whatever is happening is a result of choices on both parts. Sure I can think that this was thought and believed. But I will always be speculating. It may be normal to do it, but what I am doing when I do that is unknowingly giving the other person credit for what is coming from me. What I am probably stating badly is that I find that I get into a blame spiral. I think somehow that I was not good enough. I feel that way particularly when I have no answer to what happened. Now, I'd say that my responsibility is to keeping myself interesting and interested in my wellbeing. Certainly when something I have liked comes to an end, I reflect and can be emotional about it. Some things can hit you harder than others, death is a big one. There is no ignoring that. Here's the thing. It is imperative to know that I am good enough for myself. When I am confidant there is no better feeling in the world. The level of clarity that comes to me is sublime. I asked myself what was I meant to learn this time around? I already know that I went counter to ALL of my tight assed list of requirements. I went out of my comfort zone. I took a huge risk. I surrendered. I considered actually having a 'real' relationship with someone extremely different. I saw that I could be very open and non-regimental. I didn't need to know a whole lot of facts or interests. I went with the flow. There was an interesting dichotomy too. On the one hand I felt complete trust, joy and confidence. I also felt insecure about myself at certain times, even shy. New territory was facing me and I was willing to tread the waters. My business ideas and projects suddenly felt very realistic to do and complete because I felt that here was someone who would work with me...work on there own things and be supportive of me. It was just a feel good thing that I had going on and I am grateful for it. I didn't like the lack of contact though. I don't need to speak every day or every other day. but I do need to know how your doing at some point. That was wack, and now I gather why it was like that. I also experienced today some people I know talking about financial issues. The kind of moneys some people spend on certain things boggle the mind, and they do it. It validated for me the need to continue to do what I am doing. I will get thee is the end...hopefully sooner.