So, it's me

Ok...so, I read the situation from the start, or from very early in the game...yet, I usually find myself settling in quite nicely...sometimes for years...but as stated before, post divorce, I have yet to find myself with a steady relationship or steady anything...so it bears noting. IS IT ME? In a way, yes, it is me. There are things that I do not tolerate as I used to. If I cannot communicate them, then whomever cannot take it, that is not on me. It just means that we have different views on the topic. It doesn't mean that whatever it is is impossible to move past. Over the decade, my encounters seemed to me to be getting shorter and shorter and worse and worse. But my question put to me tonight , I finally turned it around to me and the response was surprising. My last experience, I really did not consider the person romantically, and the more we talked, the less compatible he became...yet I felt bad about it. If I stop feeling bad about it, I know that I saved myself a lot of time and regret. I think that part of my frustration comes from some foolish belief system that says that relationships are to go a certain way. My attitude about being risk averse is also not correct, if I really were, I would not have even considered giving him the time of day. However, as I did, it is clear that I wanted to give him the benefit of my doubt...this makes me chuckle a bit, as I recall the advice given to my friend about her invitation. What are my expectations? I have been telling myself the worst things, thinking that somehow I am preventing some outcome that would bring me low, when actually, the very voice is creating the low, negative feelings, and I have called myself out on it. It is madness actually. How in the world can I want better and yet, my inner voice is sabotaging me at every turn? WHAT! Schizophrenia anyone? I am feeling very empowered right now, calling out my inner bullshit! Very proud of myself indeed. When I was a child, when someone upset me, I used to hold grudges. I thought that I had grown out of it. Fat chance. (ha,ha) I could make all of this a lot easier by writing that sometimes things just don't work out. That would avoid my headache. But I know that I would return to this later and possibly after a bigger shadow being cast on the matter. I admit that I am afraid of putting my feelings out there...although I have acted as though I was completely ready, willing and able. In fact, the way things worked out, it was set up as though it was about the other person and never about me. My divorce hurt my heart. I was really heartbroken despite how right it was to do it. I miss the friend in him that I had. I miss many things from the relationship. I made the right choice to divorce. ................................... I have gone from not wanting to commit to telling myself that perhaps I should try to put myself 'out there'...I think that that is too vague for something so serious about myself. I don't want to see! I really want the kind of passionate, bananas feeling I had with juliemangoman...whom I still find myself thinking about when I don't want to.,,,but this entry is hella long...so that's it for tonight.

those whispers

Here I was, minding my own business, when a thought occured to me. Is it possible that many things that I have fretted about, I have played as a ruse? I suddenly concluded that it may be me who is actually risk averse, or a better way of writing it, is that there are things that I say that I want, I even believe that I do, but when they do not work out, I am internally relieved. I need to just come out and type where this train of thought came from. I was focusing on my dismal romantic track record, and it came to me that perhaps I am the one who cannot seem to commit, and not the persons I have attracted. This 'thought' happened oddly enough because of a friend's call yesterday. She wanted some advice about an invitation she got to a party. She already decided that she was not going to go, but the person had been very helpful to her in the past...so she felt a certain obligation. However, she was loathe to go because she really felt that the person wanted her to visit because of the past help, and she was loathe to think that there was a tit for tat. My friend is very introverted, so I mentioned that it might be a good thing to actually go out for a change. But then she went out to explain in greater detail what the person was all about...eventually I agreed with my friend, as the person was actually inviting her out to show off their connection and to ask her to entertain her other friends with her great singing voice. That handled, tonight, my friend calls me about the talk we had the day before, starting by asking me whether I think that she is a lonely person? From there, it got into weird territory where she remembered our talk very differently that I did...accusing me of not being a good friend because I sided with the woman wanting her to visit. After losing my temper a bit...as I found the entire conversation petty...I said some very clear things...about our friendship, including that friendship as far as I can see is not based on pleasing the other person but on being genuine as much as possible. We did not get very far, as she mysteriously got another call as I was asserting myself and literally dressing her down in the process....what the bizaare exchange did do though was alert me to an aspect of relationships that I think being single for so long and getting older is doing to me....that being, having no patience with what to me is going way above and beyond putting the other person at ease, making the other person feel good about themself, re-assuring them and then finding many times that the conversations always lead to them with very little concern for what is going on with me...and if so, those are few and far between, making me unwilling to want to share much about myself. Am I a cold fish? Am I too set in my ways to give my heart to anyone? Tonight I went as far as telling her that this is the second time in all the years we have known each other that she has made a very warped conclusion of my character...yep...I pulled that card, and that if she is inclined to view me that way, then maybe our friendship isn't what I believe it is, and maybe we should re-assess what it means for the both of us. I am not at all unhappy with being so forthright, but now I am wondering whether I am an all or nothing kinda gal? Am I? I have known her for more than a decade. Most of my relationships are long ones. Yet, it has been a decade since my divorce and I feel untethered to the extent that I am now asking myself, is it possible that I have no tolerance anymore with anyone? Even those who like me? Or to be more to the point, IS IT ME?

I am a work in progress...something good happened today when I went for my usual exercise and recalled some of the negative things I tell myself. First of all, I isolated the things...lined them up in list form. Then, taking them one at a time,I dismantled every one of them. It didn't take much time, and the way that I felt afterwards was worth it. For a long time I could not reconcile two opposing beliefs I put to myself. One, that I can be mistaken about my negative self talk and, two, that the reality I base my personal criticisms on are real and must be confronted. Now I understand that everything is an illusion from the perspective that whatever I confront as needing to work on,I accentuate. It doesn't mean that I am more left than right....neither is the issue. A table and chair are real enough. It is what I choose to focus on that propels my reality in whatever direction I feel most comfortable with. What this little exercise did for me today is literally stack my belief system from the past against what I am seeing now. In so doing, I saw how very long I was holding to a personal prison of my own making. To be fair to myself. this is happening to most of us on the planet. Who knew what good friends, practically family all that negativity became.It sounds trite, it sounds obvious...but it is also true....you really have to just literally say to yourself that you are not going to make negativity your default setting. Having feelings, thinking that something may be bad for you...all of that is fine....what isn't fine is the constant dialogue of nitpicking at yourself. That is not ok. In the past I even tried the....would you say the things you say to yourself to other people? That worked sometimes, but that can;t always work because I easily choose how to behave for the world at large. I am clearly not always being myself with others for a variety of reasons. Exhaustion has brought me here.I can't keep listening to myself pull myself down as much as I have. Now, as I stated before, when I start on my bad talking....I can listen to all of it and break it apart for what it is.

EH?

Why am I writing now? I should be asleep. I have an early day tomorrow...yet, I find myself thinking about my ex-husband...nothing specific...just the whole relationship that was and is now. When I think of all of the tumult, I wonder about him. My instincts are telling me that I can reach out to him to help him become less angry....reality shouts, how the hell are you going to do that! Lol. My purpose for wanting that is obvious...my child has to deal with him all of the time.I think to myself, surely there is something I can do? Not fueling his behavior has worked for years. But as stated before, recently he seems to press against mu consciousness, or is it just my wishful thinking? I shall definately return to this train of thought in the future.

mechanism

As I set out on my new path, I am confronting some old stories. The difference this time is my awareness. Of course I have hopes and dreams, and I have experience. I know that what I think and even imbue with energy does not come to pass. Sometimes it is a great thing, but not while it is happening. For example, I may go through an experience and wonder what outcome will occur, and my vision would be Hollywood-esk, a complete literary bombshell! But the reality would be something more subtle. It may include aspects of my belief, but it would definately not happen as my mind told the stories. This is the case with creating a new business. I have been here many times, so much so that I see no need to really write up a business plan. What sends my mind in directionless spaces, is the fact that as a creative person I have a deep desire to just sit at home and make and make, and make work. (Sounds great!) But, bills come every day. So, I am also sending the message out to one or two people that I am looking for work. I am also considering brushing up on some skills and learning new ones. All of this sounds pro-active and really smart. Sure, but really, my concern is money. I am feeling alright about it at the moment, but at months end I would have paid out my usual bills and then what? Like everyone else in the world,I have certain debts that keep me having to work to pay them. Lol. What I am hearing myself saying is that I want to do a fun, soul satisfying job and I want to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I want to do in a comfortable way. Can I do that? ............. I believe that the answer is yes, I can do that. How do I go about it? ............. Diversifying is at the heart of the answer to the questions that I am putting to myself. I have to just do something towards my goals every day...which I am doing. I know that I shall feel discouraged, and even worse... pointless in my progress. However, all of this is part of anything one does in ones working life. My solitary nature exacerbates and makes large to me things that everyone feels but somehow manages via friends, ambient noises, music and other distractions. I have the opportunity now to start again, something that I know many people would literally kill to be able to do. I am feeling the vastness of the fact and now feeling my feet.

wonderful roots

Something wonderful is taking root within me. I have worked a very, very long time to get my mind right, and I am finally seeing and feeling the payoff. I don't know how to explain it really, but I will write that a little positive thinking and awareness of what is right and beautiful in my world has been part of the process. To my utter joy today I got up and found that my mind kept moving toward solutions and plain old garden variety good thoughts. Good thoughts produce good feelings. It sounds so absurd.,,but in the past I would be wary of such beliefs as I had become so used to falling into my very worst expectations that even if something good turned up, I was sceptical about it. A big part of the change has come from accepting that negative things can still be great, it can offer you the opportunity to find a way that you have to find anyway. It doesn't mean that you are not angry or sad, it just means that managing expectations with hope is a better way to achieve a way out of a challenging situation than isolating oneself with the very pain one feels. Of course it gets harder and harder to do when the emotional blows seem to be racing toward you, giving you no time to breath out. It is the hardest thing in the world to see all of it with humor or with a belief that it will eventually pass. Sometimes, all you can do it be still, as there is nothing for it. I believe that that is where my friendship with myself lies. I know that I am in whatever 'this' is, and I know that if I have no support, I am my support. I check myself, and know that I am still standing, even amidst what seems to be impossible odds. My fight or flight is trembling. I am terrified. I know whatever I do may prove wrong. I know I have to act. I hang on to my dangly bits and jump. Wherever I land, I have me. I will be alright.

What it takes

So I did the usual this morning, I got up and stayed in bed and gave thought to what I am going to do next. I worked myself up into a lather following my wild thoughts around and it was fun. I focused on a project that I shelved so long ago, I cannot recall when I first came up with it. What I do know is that it is still viable. I am looking at forming my studio like I'd planned to. All of my plans culminate in a space in which to work. This entry is just my preamble. Lol.