So, it's me

Ok...so, I read the situation from the start, or from very early in the game...yet, I usually find myself settling in quite nicely...sometimes for years...but as stated before, post divorce, I have yet to find myself with a steady relationship or steady anything...so it bears noting. IS IT ME? In a way, yes, it is me. There are things that I do not tolerate as I used to. If I cannot communicate them, then whomever cannot take it, that is not on me. It just means that we have different views on the topic. It doesn't mean that whatever it is is impossible to move past. Over the decade, my encounters seemed to me to be getting shorter and shorter and worse and worse. But my question put to me tonight , I finally turned it around to me and the response was surprising. My last experience, I really did not consider the person romantically, and the more we talked, the less compatible he became...yet I felt bad about it. If I stop feeling bad about it, I know that I saved myself a lot of time and regret. I think that part of my frustration comes from some foolish belief system that says that relationships are to go a certain way. My attitude about being risk averse is also not correct, if I really were, I would not have even considered giving him the time of day. However, as I did, it is clear that I wanted to give him the benefit of my doubt...this makes me chuckle a bit, as I recall the advice given to my friend about her invitation. What are my expectations? I have been telling myself the worst things, thinking that somehow I am preventing some outcome that would bring me low, when actually, the very voice is creating the low, negative feelings, and I have called myself out on it. It is madness actually. How in the world can I want better and yet, my inner voice is sabotaging me at every turn? WHAT! Schizophrenia anyone? I am feeling very empowered right now, calling out my inner bullshit! Very proud of myself indeed. When I was a child, when someone upset me, I used to hold grudges. I thought that I had grown out of it. Fat chance. (ha,ha) I could make all of this a lot easier by writing that sometimes things just don't work out. That would avoid my headache. But I know that I would return to this later and possibly after a bigger shadow being cast on the matter. I admit that I am afraid of putting my feelings out there...although I have acted as though I was completely ready, willing and able. In fact, the way things worked out, it was set up as though it was about the other person and never about me. My divorce hurt my heart. I was really heartbroken despite how right it was to do it. I miss the friend in him that I had. I miss many things from the relationship. I made the right choice to divorce. ................................... I have gone from not wanting to commit to telling myself that perhaps I should try to put myself 'out there'...I think that that is too vague for something so serious about myself. I don't want to see! I really want the kind of passionate, bananas feeling I had with juliemangoman...whom I still find myself thinking about when I don't want to.,,,but this entry is hella long...so that's it for tonight.