those whispers

Here I was, minding my own business, when a thought occured to me. Is it possible that many things that I have fretted about, I have played as a ruse? I suddenly concluded that it may be me who is actually risk averse, or a better way of writing it, is that there are things that I say that I want, I even believe that I do, but when they do not work out, I am internally relieved. I need to just come out and type where this train of thought came from. I was focusing on my dismal romantic track record, and it came to me that perhaps I am the one who cannot seem to commit, and not the persons I have attracted. This 'thought' happened oddly enough because of a friend's call yesterday. She wanted some advice about an invitation she got to a party. She already decided that she was not going to go, but the person had been very helpful to her in the past...so she felt a certain obligation. However, she was loathe to go because she really felt that the person wanted her to visit because of the past help, and she was loathe to think that there was a tit for tat. My friend is very introverted, so I mentioned that it might be a good thing to actually go out for a change. But then she went out to explain in greater detail what the person was all about...eventually I agreed with my friend, as the person was actually inviting her out to show off their connection and to ask her to entertain her other friends with her great singing voice. That handled, tonight, my friend calls me about the talk we had the day before, starting by asking me whether I think that she is a lonely person? From there, it got into weird territory where she remembered our talk very differently that I did...accusing me of not being a good friend because I sided with the woman wanting her to visit. After losing my temper a bit...as I found the entire conversation petty...I said some very clear things...about our friendship, including that friendship as far as I can see is not based on pleasing the other person but on being genuine as much as possible. We did not get very far, as she mysteriously got another call as I was asserting myself and literally dressing her down in the process....what the bizaare exchange did do though was alert me to an aspect of relationships that I think being single for so long and getting older is doing to me....that being, having no patience with what to me is going way above and beyond putting the other person at ease, making the other person feel good about themself, re-assuring them and then finding many times that the conversations always lead to them with very little concern for what is going on with me...and if so, those are few and far between, making me unwilling to want to share much about myself. Am I a cold fish? Am I too set in my ways to give my heart to anyone? Tonight I went as far as telling her that this is the second time in all the years we have known each other that she has made a very warped conclusion of my character...yep...I pulled that card, and that if she is inclined to view me that way, then maybe our friendship isn't what I believe it is, and maybe we should re-assess what it means for the both of us. I am not at all unhappy with being so forthright, but now I am wondering whether I am an all or nothing kinda gal? Am I? I have known her for more than a decade. Most of my relationships are long ones. Yet, it has been a decade since my divorce and I feel untethered to the extent that I am now asking myself, is it possible that I have no tolerance anymore with anyone? Even those who like me? Or to be more to the point, IS IT ME?