From talked about to talked to

To my surprise today I got a call from the friend who just up and called me with the statement that we neeeded to take a break from each other. It had caught me off guard because between us, she was always the one calling me several times a day. Particularly as I was helping her with a few projects of hers. We had never found ourselves at odds, apart from when I had to put my foot down with the way she stirred herself up into a lather about some half phantom issues happening to her.I could not sit by and hear her disparage herself. I have also written about a few challenges she has made me feel because of how the friendship was being conducted....I don't think that that is too strong a word to describe it. It began to feel like work. Anyway, I was not thrilled to have any conversation with her. I was proven right when she proceeded to want to make some dramatic statements about when we last spoke. My sister has had a similar experience with a friend who behaved the same way after she (my sister) was dealing with the loss of her closest female friend. The situation was too similar in every way. I had some time to think about it, and I have an unexpected view of all of this. When I got divorced, I lost the sense of trust from friendships with others. Friendship is very important to me. I have always said that it is more important than love relationships because without friendship, love cannot happen. Now, I was thinking that she has been in my life for a reason and that I should accept that I am responsible for my part. My part can easily breed more distrust. More shutting myself off. more negative expectations from others. I don't choose to think like that anymore. I don't even choose to consider her an issue to me. She is going through whatever she is dealing with. Thinking that she is this and that is a waste of time. I want to give what I want to get out of the friendships that I make from now on. I got what I got with her because It is possible that I too was averse to giving more. Maybe I too was stubborn. Or maybe I was patronizing! I believed that I was being a "friend" when she was neurotic or scared and I am glad to have seen her grow and change for the better over the decade we had something that felt good. Blame really has no plac ein the equation. it is just that I don't deisre to be in a friendship that now feels so one sided and oppressive. I have no beef with her. I just don't want to deal with someone who really doesn't want to work on what may be wrong . but want to blame and want to only remain friends because of what can be gained. I know that that sounds contradictory to what I was just writing so fluently and fluidly. But I think that it is right. I mentioned what I may be reflecting and what I feel she has dished out. I state what I do because I don't want to go through it again with her. It is unpleasant. It seems that she is comfortable behaving that way...making demands as she does....and I am not going to change her. I am not going to put up with it. That's all.It is not for me. That's all.

being talked about

My last entry was about being talked about. I now presume that I am hearing about myself being talked about again because of everyone being at home in these covid times. This time it was about money. I have always found the challenge between having family with wealth while not having it yourself. It is the weirdest thing. Those around you just assume that you too are wealthy and do not need the things that everyone needs to succeed. But now that I write that, I do not even know whether that is at all true. Who knows why you get rejected from certain things? I remember when I returned from college the first time, I was very gung ho about working for a certain company. I set up my entire portfolio with them in mind. But when I was able to get an appointment with the owner, I came to realize that someone I knew (and actually admired) had also contacted them months before and had gotten the job that I had wanted. My timing was just off. Recently I read about someone whose career decisions just sound perfect. Everything they tried their hands at worked to their advantage. I never felt that way. But I have had great moments, so I can at least say that I am not dispondant. All of that got me to thinking about how lives go or don't go according to plan. Every day is an opportunity to begin again.

Yet again I found myself listening to a conversation about me. This time it was all about my ex husband and the letter from his Lawyer to me. As I inadvertently heard the opinions metred out, at first I felt hurt. The usual responces that my family jump to always represent him as somehow superior. I am the victim, yet I am also a loser of some kind. To be viewed that way has made me so upset in the past and yesterday got very heavy very quickly. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to charge into the room and defend myself. But then I did something extraudinary for me. I started to have a little chat with myself and I told myself the following-: Their opinions are theirs to have. I have no business contradicting their views and no need to contradict what they think. Their opinions are just that, opinions and I do not have to believe what they believe. When I said that to myself I felt everything I was thinking and feeling completely lighten up for me. My ex-husband writs the kind of letters and gets his Lawyer to write to me the sort of responces that pack a punch in the beginning and end. It is what is in the middle that is the issue. He wants me to help him financially. But he wants to give me less access to our daughter, and he thinks that he can do it. No one in their right mind would agree to such a non-offer. It is absolutely absurd. I have yet to respond, and I am going to take my time to respond. The nuisance factor is acute. The bullying attempt and the extortion is ridiculous! Again, such a situation would have me in a tailspin. I would be anxiety filled and automatically aggitated by his actions. He has now done this sort of thing so many times that I am no longer moved by his actions. What I am is resolute.

the 2021 world

At the beginning of the year I was not working. At the end of the year, I am. I have an opportunity to change the way that I work. I see everything as a godsend. The death of my dad and the change of everything that has affected me, impacted my family and then the wider community and my country has put me, (and I am sure everyone else on the planet) into a place of contemplation and asking myself some new questions. Some answers are simple. We are now living with covid-19. I can work in a covid-19 world. I have options to work even better in a covid-19 world. An issue that never goes away is taking care of mind and body. It is about how do I manage if I were to lose my family all at once, or become ill and have to pay bills for it? Or could I take care of the house and unexpected expenses? Could I do it? None of that has changed at all. Money is always, always a divider to decisions being made now or put off or a constant scraping, collecting and turn-over. So what is there to do? For starters, panicking is not an action that is helpful What can you do? YOu have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to have a plan. You have to do your best to somehow manage. You read articles by economists who tell you to save money by not eating in restaurants and making your own coffee instead of buying Starbucks. But I would say that for so many people, they already do that and they also find themselves looking in their couches hoping to find a rolled up hundred dollar bill. Trying to balance between needs and wants is a constant. I am finding that I cannot afford to be poor, but poverty can afford to spend time with me. Lol. The constant waiting to have the money to do things to keep healthy enough to make money to get things! Sheesh! Then, your cash poor, but you live and you are around family who are wealthy...so no one thinks that you need anything...your family is rich motif! You know that you are lucky, and you have options and you are doing your best, but even for you, the money is just not coming in fast enough, and that latte, come on, you want a moment to treat yourself because of all the pressure! Life is so funny. What I am writing about is not unknown to all of us. What do we do? What to do? I was looking at an excellent documentary about Donald Trump and Joseph Biden. I was struck by America, as I would consider the narrator for this argument...America, honored and practically worshipped a Donald Trump. He could do no wrong. His wealth was uber seductive. Then you see that Joseph Biden deeply admired John F Kennedy and hos achilles heel is his desire to emulate those he has admored who have had wealth and power. Is Wealth the problem? Is power? Is wealth YOU? Without money are you really living?

What to make of it all

I have spend many nights last year and this one, coming to terms with death. It has been terrifying to lay above my sheets and think about when that time comes, as my Father and Aunt would have had to do. I consider the gentle creeping up of a death sentance lying over their idea of themself and settling into their crevace. Did it ooze among their bones and arteries?Did it mellow into their soft organs? Did it talk to their body of the foreboding to come? There is no language for it, just an instinct of a trepidation. That is how I imagined it. Then what of that illness as it becomes intrenched within you and those around you are either pretending or so threatened by the fear of it that they too become struck dumb to speak of it! You are in limbo between wanting it to end and wanting it to stay because DEATH seems terrifying, and you realise that it is now your turn. It is your turn and you are terrified. But guess what? You may linger in this limbo, or you may leave very soon. Facing so much death, I have also taken my mind even further. I wonder about the crossing over part. You are told not to be afraid. You are told that you are enveloped in a warm, positive light and you will meet your caring family on the other side. I ask the question, suppose that that is only a placibo? You do feel all of that, and when your family on Earth accept it, and they bury you or cremate you, that placibo falls away and now you end up as you began...no consciousness, no awareness of self. You are DEAD. You do not exist any more. Till death do us part and pray for us at the hour of our death...not after the hour, AT the hour and, obtain for them eternal rest. Eternal rest suggests absolute sleep. That is all we know. We say SLEEP. We do not say eternal joy or eternal transposition. I would lie down in my bed and I would imagine what would happen when It would be my turn to get that visitor. That inevitable visitor?

some interesting anecdotes

When things do not go well at work it is always cause for questioning competence. Even when it isn't you that it is happening to. In my case this week, the words of the Secretary has kept in my thoughts. Over the decade I have found that I have had to deal with contract mistakes and payment mistakes and a variety of issues that have kept me running around to have things corrected. I have also made a few myself. None of it has ever been simple. The Secretary this year mentioned me in a way that suggested that there is some relationship between me and the 'issues' I have faced. In other words, somehow my energy causes confusion. I have said this about others in observation. Now I was being confronted with it and I wanted to take a good look at that as a reality or as an energy that I can change. I of course do not like the fact that I can be perceived that way and on the other hand, I find the whole thing petty and not really worthy of too much concern. But, clearly because I am writing this here, I am concerned about how I am perceived. Nobody cares when you are doing your job well. If they can find a chink in your armour...well then...pounce they do pounce.Or that is my internal monologue considering that that is the case. The reality is more along the lines of everyone doing what they can to not appear incompetant and looking for scapegoats. It is not personal. I am glad that I decided to write this down here and look at it. Sometimes you really feel that you are being targetted.

When you focus only on solving problems and your mind goes to them every single moment, it is hard to realise that there is so much beauty and joy in the world. The eye does try to remind you, as you walk with your sorrow and grief, doubt and fears. You glimpse the lush greenery and the birds as they fly by. But your stuck in your slump, so they give only tiny glimmers of hope. However, over time, it becomes like charging a battery. Somehow and somewhere the light filters out and you have moments of reprieve. This can go on and on for ages and ages. You really need more. You need books, and friends and family and support to help yourself through dark times. You also most of all need to know that dark times don't last forever and you will come out of it stronger, more resolved and yes, possibly happier. You are creating the onion skin of your life. From the last time that I wrote. I have had so many lovely things happen. I am so happy that I cannot contain how happy I feel. I want to bask in it and feel it down to my toes and I want it to stay forever. To keep referring to what makes me smile and laugh and lightens my step feels so very good. My mind wants to plan and think good thoughts and when bad ones come, I stop them and light them up with my positive sprinkling of happy glitter. I savour these moments. I guide myself to consider more that I want to do and ways to keep feeling this way. There is nothing like this feeling. I am so grateful to feel this way right now.