turvy topsy

Whatever vibe sent me to this site awhile back, and had me speculating about a man coming into my life in the future...well, there is one that has just literally bumped into me, and although its very new, he is already making it clear to me that he wants to set a big impression about himself. This situation has me confronting some things that tell me that it is very easy to write all that I wrote in theory, but a real live guy in my presence is nothing like it was with The Towers and Frequent Flyer. I think that in both those cases, I could be more cavalier because I had no expectations. Now, because of those experiences, I am filled with thoughts of what I do not want to experience. My first thought is, you don't fucking know me,so, how can you be so enthusiastic and persuasive? I get instantly suspicious. As I think makes perfect sense.What is he seeing is my first thought, and then I stop, because there shall be NO I wonder what he's thinking... with me this time. That's an old construct. This person shows me that I have come to a place where I am not going to jump when I have feelings that are fed...my ego fed. I am writing this now because I see from a different perspective now. This guy bumps into me, he has a lovely singing voice and you can't ignore how he looks.He also has his lyrics down very well.It also turns out that we are in similar creative fields. I put the breaks on at the fact that he's like twelve years younger than I. I start going down a list of why I do not want to know anyone who isn't going to take the time to be my friend, and clearly that takes time. The early meetings, the calling, texting, the degree of comfort felt... The belief that the person is living up to the image that you have in your mind of what this illusive perfect partner should look and act like.Are all in play, all in the consciousness. I can see now that when people meet, there is a degree of belief that has nothing to do with the person. That person is put in a halo. So, damn, people start from a very unrealistic place. Knowing this means for me that it is important to not encourage a man to get all fast and loose with you. Whatever the attraction or pull, it does not mean that I want to ignore all of the delicious sensations newness can bring. it is just that I am automatically cautious, and I have the experience now to ask myself, in what way is this man coming into my life now? Who am I now? What body of thoughts brought him floating into my life? Those are the things that I am looking at now, and I am also looking at what I do want, and have said I want, against who is coming into my life now. I am also doing this compare and contrast with my goals against my plans. In this instance where work is concerned, I like, because I can hone my short and medium term options. The day I met this new person...and I stated awhile back that I would stop giving people nicknames, but I need to give him one. Let me think. Lol. I checked his birthday because he checked my site and decided to talk to me about it...quite ballsy I have to say...so, he isn't moving true to form of that sign. I need to just write and ponder what is coming through me right now.

Between yesterday and today, I have had a few experiences that I want to put here. I saw the guy again and he let me know that he was not trying to pressure me, and that no one has to know our business...etc, etc. It was so awkward that I was not in a position to tell him that I was not interested in going out with him. Then this afternoon, I actually saw him on my way home. I never see him when I am traveling! I had a long meeting to go to that lasted from eleven to three-thirty. I did not expect it to go that long, and I met someone at the meeting who turned out to be very interesting. She started an online business, and we chatted all the way to my stop. Then, as I was getting out of the station to get a taxi, there was a guy walking behind me, a bit in my personal space. I turned to look at him because he was singing and his voice was quite lovely. He was very close to me as I mentioned before, and I got the opportunity to actually look at him. He was very striking, tall, with distinctive eyes. I needed to do something across the street and saw a friend of mine and we got into a bit of a chat, so when I crossed the street again, I was not expecting him to suddenly appear and give me a big complement. It was unusual. I felt so odd that I began to laugh. Then I returned his complement by telling him that he has a nice singing voice. He was outrageously flirting with me. I felt as though I was in an alternative universe, it was so instant. We stood talking and he asked me for my number, but I took his instead. Then I felt someone looking at me. I turned and it was my sisters ex-boyfriend who is here for a week from New York. I introduced him and then he and I started catching up. I got into a taxi finally, and he did as well. He did not pay for me and I did not stop out at my house. It had been a very emotionally intense day, the weather and then the people I dealt with today...it was a lot. I felt like I needed a moment to process everything. Meeting that guy, I don't know what to make of it? Is he sincere? The amount of attention paid me...and the asking for my number, just like yesterday too, where I did not give him my number either...I know what to expect, and I bring my experience to the moment. I told the guy today that I would not give him my number because I am working and I am divorced and not interested in meeting men right now. He was not deterred by my statement. He was quite smooth, telling me that he was taken with me and would like to just talk with me more, and get to know me. Ok. You are laying it on, aren't you! Men do one of two things where I am concerned, they either come on real strong or they try to play it low key in an attempt to seem cool. I know that I can engage any man in a conversation where I leave him interested to speak to me again. I can discuss almost any topic you throw at me, and I am a listener, so that and eye contact followed by actually finding their jokes funny...that does it. That is not an issue that I have with men. I like men. I am not intimidating or stuck up, so I am very relaxed and myself. My issue comes when a man is not being straight with me when we are getting to know each other...as happened with The Towers. He spent years Skyping me and then sent mixed messages that were just exhausting and damn boring...completely time wasting. My experience today brought up for me some issues that I have to deal with about myself. This guy seemed overly exuberant. He didn't seem insincere, but my experiences have really left me more jaded than I thought I was. I do not know what it would take to make me comfortable? Perhaps it would have to be a very, very slow movement to friendship, where he really shows me who he is. I wouldn't want to be judging the person, looking and expecting something that I need to red flag. My experiences have been that a great deal of time is spent knowing each other...talking a lot,going out...at my age, men have sex clearly imprinted on their faces. Its kinda sad actually. I can't get used to that fact. Thinking that the Architect and I could become friends in the vein of my deceased partner was the last disappointment. I clearly still believe in love and have my views of it. But actually going through relationships, is something else altogether, and that is what I am writing about now.

indeed grateful

Leave it all behind. Focus on what I am to build. Forget that noise. Be too busy being and doing what it is I want to do to be great for myself and my child. Have fun. See everything as a benefit to me. I even said to myself that, in an alternate universe, my "Y' and I are blissfully happy and in another, we never met. The multiverse is such a beautiful, convenient thing. It would be very satisfying for it to be the true theory of everything. It would mean that there is actually no reason to regret, because somewhere else in the space time continuum, I have achieved , surpassed and never experienced what i am facing in this life. That knowledge gets all of us if you think about it, off the hook where carrying around guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness etc can be a constant. It puts a perspective on things that without it, makes everything we presently do in this life...life. It says that death is transitory. Whatever I am holding to strongly in this world is fleeting and time is a construct and not linear at all. Life is a mindfuck, so stop filling your head with tidbits, don't make life a fast food meal. Savor it instead.

very grateful

This evening my "Y" husband was supposed to drop our child to me. I was out, but wrote him to suggest that as I was quite close to where he lives, he could pick me up and we proceed to my house. He writes me back and says that I don't seem to understand how much he dislikes being in my presence, so no, he won't pick me up and he's changing everything around to another day. This man has said and done so many ridiculous things, but this one is really a head scratcher. Also tonight, I dealt with another person behaving really foolish around me. But this time, I know that neither issue is about me, although I am observing them. What I did tonight was weigh the situation for once. I could step all the way back, and all the way out of the frame. I asked myself, as I have only ever really looked at it for other people or in movies and literature...I can change my vibration. I don't have to settle for this. this experience and follow up that can go on, as it has gone on for years and years. I don't have to accept this life as I am believing it is today. I am absolutely free to make of my life what I damn well deserve. Something about his absurd behavior helped with this positioning, because at first I searched to find whether I felt a twinge of hurt. Then, I asked myself, why should I feel that way? After the hypothetical question that I out to myself yesterday...the answer was that somehow, I hold him in some regard. How could I do such a think to someone who is so reprehensible? It made it easier to see it for what it was. What I wrote yesterday really helped considerably. Holding someone who treats you badly in a lofty place is to miss yourself. Why did I have that sad inkling to want to give him any regard at all? As he refuses to give any to me? Was I really that badly off in my thinking? No. I was not. I could work my way through the momentary stall, and I did. As I called out to my higher self, I very effortlessly saw the illusion for what it was. His being a bully, I was caving in through fear...I don't want to be disliked...the other person I mentioned from tonight helped me reach this conclusion. My "Y" and the person whom I shall call 'the Architect," because they played this hand on this night, I was able to stand on my own two feet and rebuke the nonsense that in another time would have made me feel that something was wrong with me, and I had to work out why I was drawing such people to me. My perspective now, as I contemplated what happened, is that I don't have to stand for it. My higher self is literally shedding the skin or limitation here. I don't have to settle. I don't have to write things like my "Y" represented the most important emotional relationship to me...and believe that that means that I cannot move on, or cannot find someone that will make my hesitation to move on from him look like the most absurd decision I have ever made! I am not stuck, he is. I have no reason to tell him the things he lets trip from his tongue. My only concern is that our child has chosen to come into this when I felt that I knew a better man the one I now deal with. He is not going to get my energy. he's not going to little me down to being bitter or lose focus. His is a tired, pathetic game. No use can come of it. I pray that he does not damage his health too severely, because that behavior isn't about me and all about him. I think the Architect and I thank him and I thank all of the people who in their perceived negative attitude towards me are actually helping point my way out of this reality that does not suit me anymore. Thank you, thank you. i can move on. Thank you.

Dear future boyfriend

That's the name of a Tumblr that is oh so cute. I wrote that because I decided to Google something that was highlighted in that article I just posted. If someone were looking for me, what they be saying? Interesting question...intelligence, humor,elegance,creativity,good health, very attractive (wink,wink) fun to be with, loves travel, open minded and loving. Waw...that is a bit different from the list I would prepare for someone new. I thought that The Towers had everything I always had on my list, and he did. Except he was also so far from the list where it mattered most, it is the most unusual experience I have ever had wth someone who pursued me. My list was and in some instances, still includes...extremely intelligent, very attractive, funny, honest, caring,self sufficient both emotionally and financially...that one's new for obvious reasons. I could possibly think of other things, but that's it for now. My best friend as I mentioned before was the ideal partner, and that was because I really hold friendship in high regard. Anyone I am attracted to, I would expect to develop a friendship with them. I believe that once that can be done, then a relationship can happen easily. I have mentioned a partner. We mutually respect what the other does for a living, we are supportive of the other and want the other to succeed. What's why the word partner matters to me. This makes the person dependable, reliable, trustworthy and considerate. Someone to enjoy as a dear friend also deceased said to me. Someone who loves having fun, laughing and doing things on the spur of the moment from time to time. Willing to try new things and to not take himself too seriously. That would be lovely. I am not writing anything that I would not do myself. A sensual, sexy guy. I love writing little notes and doing some unexpected things that I have never been able to do yet! I shall leave that list for another post. I believe that I have also written before that whomever the person will be, clearly it would be someone who wants to be in a relationship and wants to work at making it matter in their life. I have written a lot tonight! Waw, I did not expect to. it shall be interesting to read all of this back one of these days.

Epilogue

Could my "Y' be my jump off? Ok...now that I have stopped laughing hysterically...could I make an arrangement with him for us to be exclusively the others 'person for sex?" I understand that people do it all the time! Listen to me, like its a done deal! After all that I wrote before, including that the man and I don't even speak amicably. But I am not letting that be a problem. Ha,ha,ha. I literally just Googled it. Waw, what I just read was great! Here are some points-:If you must really know the truth, having sex with an ex rarely ends up as sweet and enjoyable as you think. It may just be the chemicals in our bodies, or something deeper, but almost always, an attachment is formed with an ex after sex, where you’d be left with mixed feelings. One part of you would just want to fall in love with your ex again, while the other part knows the relationship can’t really last. Mostly, at some point, you’d have to choose between your ex and your present amore, or you may just end up having an affair. I hope you do remember this is your ex we’re talking about. There’s a reason the relationship didn’t work out the first time around. It takes a certain amount of control to judge a sex buddy a.k.a. ex lover as something purely physical and nothing more. An occasional hook up now and then has every chance of blooming into a passionate relationship. And let’s face it, do you really think you can survive the romance together with all the differences coming up all over again? It’s not easy to leave emotions out of the picture. You may think you’re James Bond or one of his lusty women who can just swing, jump and walk away without a second look, but walking out of your ex’s bedroom wouldn’t be easy. Feelings and hopes of a second chance start springing up now and then, and with each round of good sex, you can’t help but think “hey, the sex is awesome, should I give this relationship another go?” Are both of you surely out of love? Fat chances are, one of you may still be in love with the other, and keep it a secret. This is especially true in recent break ups where one partner is ready to accept anything just to have more contact with the ex. This sort of a relationship is the worst, because everything starts to spiral around lust and love, and it tends to get nasty when one of you wants out. Even otherwise, old wounds open up, and very soon, both of you would be left wondering “are we having a fling or have we got back together?!” Remember, having sex with an ex is hot, but as with everything else that’s exceptionally good, there are several snappy reactions that can come into the picture. As tempting as it can be, focus on why you broke up with your ex in the first place. And if you have to be friends, try not to think of them as moving sex toys. It may feel nice at first, but it only takes a few passionate nights together in bed to bring back the old memories of a love that never was, and a few more nights of carnal abuse to mess your world up. Sound advice indeed. It may seem convenient. But, this casual thing that i have wondered about it anything but. I would have to literally do a wam, bam, thank you sir with him. I would also have to make it literally a hook up where it cannot become a regular thing, or else feelings would come into play tut sweet!! And hearing about what a bitch I am would sour the whole thing in a heartbeat and leave me angry that i even considered it to begin with. I am glad that I read that.

Part II

Yes, so, I remember many years ago, falling out with a friend of mine and we didn't speak for years. When we finally spoke again, I remember thinking how damn boring it was. It was as though she had not moved on at all. She had the same stories to tell, she said the same phrases. I know I sound like an ass, but this diary is for my truth, so too bad. I probably sounded the damn same way to her, so there. It made me acutely aware that you can't go home again. I also doubled back with my first ex, but didn't find lack of growth per say with him, just a spineless individual who I unfortunately still find myself glossing over every day when I ask myself wtf was I thinking!!! But, yeh, my "Y' husband, I do find myself thinking about why I have not been able to successfully move forward where he is concerned. For starters, we were in court. That kept me in one place. There are some physical reminders that keep him literally smoothed up against me like a glass is separating us but I can see him in some compartmentalized box. Lol. He has made certain that he is as unpleasant as he can possibly be. He has sent not a smudge, not an inkling of a suggestion that he has a shred of good feelings for me. Apart from some of his actions. Now, that sounds hilarious. I know...but he says horrendous things, but he has been kind in some of his actions over the years. Yet, his words trump his actions. I suppose that his actions keep me hopeful that he will eventually put down the pose and be a better guy??? Maybe, but who has time for that!! Also, who wants someone who has been like that as well??? This is the equivalent to extreme bias ht you because they like you bullshit!!! No, this boy hits me because he's an asshole!! He needs to come correct and check his damn self!! Why would I allow him the time of day! I probably wouldn't if he suddenly came at me all nice and sweet.I would be so shocked, so stunned that I would have to sleep with a knife under my pillow for the fact that I would count his sincerity. For me to tack back, I would have to see a whole different person over a damn bit of time, like say...five to ten years, and still, would I really think he had changed? I think that I should just let that one go. I may be sentimental, but I am not that sentimental! Of course there must be someone in the whole wide world who will get what I am about, and make me see why no one else has been a fit before he came along. But until then, I get me, and I like me, so I am NOT waiting on a "him." I never have.