Part II

Yes, so, I remember many years ago, falling out with a friend of mine and we didn't speak for years. When we finally spoke again, I remember thinking how damn boring it was. It was as though she had not moved on at all. She had the same stories to tell, she said the same phrases. I know I sound like an ass, but this diary is for my truth, so too bad. I probably sounded the damn same way to her, so there. It made me acutely aware that you can't go home again. I also doubled back with my first ex, but didn't find lack of growth per say with him, just a spineless individual who I unfortunately still find myself glossing over every day when I ask myself wtf was I thinking!!! But, yeh, my "Y' husband, I do find myself thinking about why I have not been able to successfully move forward where he is concerned. For starters, we were in court. That kept me in one place. There are some physical reminders that keep him literally smoothed up against me like a glass is separating us but I can see him in some compartmentalized box. Lol. He has made certain that he is as unpleasant as he can possibly be. He has sent not a smudge, not an inkling of a suggestion that he has a shred of good feelings for me. Apart from some of his actions. Now, that sounds hilarious. I know...but he says horrendous things, but he has been kind in some of his actions over the years. Yet, his words trump his actions. I suppose that his actions keep me hopeful that he will eventually put down the pose and be a better guy??? Maybe, but who has time for that!! Also, who wants someone who has been like that as well??? This is the equivalent to extreme bias ht you because they like you bullshit!!! No, this boy hits me because he's an asshole!! He needs to come correct and check his damn self!! Why would I allow him the time of day! I probably wouldn't if he suddenly came at me all nice and sweet.I would be so shocked, so stunned that I would have to sleep with a knife under my pillow for the fact that I would count his sincerity. For me to tack back, I would have to see a whole different person over a damn bit of time, like say...five to ten years, and still, would I really think he had changed? I think that I should just let that one go. I may be sentimental, but I am not that sentimental! Of course there must be someone in the whole wide world who will get what I am about, and make me see why no one else has been a fit before he came along. But until then, I get me, and I like me, so I am NOT waiting on a "him." I never have.