The More

As already mentioned, comparing myself has been helpful because it establishes the thought with me that I can now look at my situation more realistically. There are a lot of sections to these thoughts that can be enjoyable to work on. Building something from nothing is always tantalizing to me. Of late I have been trying to reconcile with my tendency to focus on many things at once. I find it edifying but also energy stealing. I feel that I am not progressing because my chouces are too divided at times. I also put everything into whatever I am doing. That's all well and good, but it makes me feel exhausted when I do not feel that I have managed to get anything out of the effort...for example the book that I am working on now. One thing that I am always satisfied with is my curiosity and conviction that all shall be resolved and accomplished in the end.

Doing

Recntly I found myself comparing what is going on with me with the things other people I know are posting. Comparison is a certain way to become depressed. However I want to use what I believe I am seeing and experiencing as a springboard to my own way forward. One is always moving forward because that is the way that time is read. I feel frustrated about the things I want to do, as I feel that I am not getting anywhere and worse, I am not doing anything to lead me forward. I think that it is a good time for me to write here exactly what I feel I am going to get out of my work and also whether what I want to do is really the way to go if I want to meet certain goals. My ideas include book publishing of all types, from a self help or moreso a self knowledge one, two history/educational ones and three to five art books. I want to do these things because I want to read books like that. I want to impart knowledge and I want to leave a legacy. These books are not about making a huge amount of money. Truly, money is not being considered at all with those things. What I do now, I do to make a living. Is it enough? Many times I would say that it is not. I do not make enough to do many of the things that are normal. I cannot save enough, as I find that I have to borrow from myself for immediate needs.However I am always grateful that I have the option. I also do two other jobs, but they can be referred to as gigs because they are not consistent either. I occassionally get a lumpsome of money and then as always I pay back debts accrewed during the lean times when my salary is late, and it is late way more than is ever comfortable. I cannot continue along these lines in my life, as much as I have grown so very fond of what I do achieve. I have to make some changes. I still want to create the books I mentioned. I still want to do the work that I am doing in those three areas. But I need something else that is consistent so that I can afford to do the things that I am doing comfortably. That is where I am at.

valuing

Deciding to do something else is a bit of a risk as new challenges replace the old ones. Yet, staying in the old mindset is just not an option! I am about to have other things to occupy my thoughts, and it shall demand of me much more regard for having my own back. it may feel lonely, but I feel such discomfort and dismay when my salary is very late. I feel such distress when a client keeps me waiting for weeks with a flimsy excuse when I pay helpers before myself...but I understand that I am not the only one challenged by money sometimes. Taking a hard look at the way I spend my time and the outcome of it is one that I have flirted with forever. I believe that I have certain freedoms, and I do. But everything comes at a cost. What would be perfect? I always say that making consistent money would alliviate so much anxiety that I feel.Just knowing that bills and groceries and materials for projects are all handled is the start...that I can plan. That word sounds miraculous. PLAN. PLAN.PLAN. PLAN for tomorrow and the next day and the one after that. That is basic and I have read or heard somewhere that if you only thing of the basic then you cannot attain it. You have to think grander so that you can achieve the basic. I happen to think that there is some truth to that.

Three incidents over the last few days has rallied me to confront and resolve an issue that has been plagueing me for some time. As I mention constantly, sitting with my thoughts, stilling myself has been immensely helpful. I have never been explosive, quick to anger and lashing out. However I have been emotional about things that happen to me and reactionary, and I have always criticized myself for it. I must also state that I am not trying to be an emotionless robot. I am just aware of the way some behavior of mine produces a result that I see as unbeneficial to me and moreso, hindering my ability to move forward with goals or plans.I find myself stuck in a loop of self criticism. So the further and better stilling has been a little miracle. So, anyway, the three things were so different, but extremely similar. From someone trying to manipulate me to buy something that I told them I wouldn't...to someone making some bogus reasoning behind something I worked on when the original was generic and worse, meaningless...to the person I have been working with for three years on a book suddenly writing me to say that they no longer want to go on. The three things would normally get me to spend a lot of time trying to understand the other persons behavior and why did it turn out as it had,or some element of 'feeling' badly and wondering how to fix it, ,,,total people pleasing. I see the three as similar because each person in some way is a bully. They are allmaking some kind of demand of me where I have no obligation to any of them. In every circumstance I owe nothing, yet, they demand my time in a way that led me to sit up and have to take notice that enough is enough! I have been writing elsewhere that many of my projects are non paying and I love them...but I have to make what to me is a hard decision to work on them only when I can really afford to do so. It is presently true that I do sort of do that now, but this is because the things that do pay me take their sweet time to get to it. So for example I only got my contract last week Friday when I and other staff have been working for over a month, and my direct superior told me recently that she hadn't been paid since July! SO there you go,while I whine, others have even more cause. But today, I just had it! I value my time and value....my time.

Do you know?

I cherish the moments to walk with my daughter to school and to have time with my thoughts on the way back. Today I confronted my negative friend in my head, the one that sabotages me on the regular. Incrementally I have been making strides to change the things that I see I need to in order to get back on track. I have a photograph taken with a friend whom I have not seen for over a decade. We both look like warmed over versions of ourselves and I was appalled when I saw the way I looked in the photo. But last week when I was thinking about it, it came to me that the very photo I cringe over shall be one of a time when even though I found I didn;t like the image, it still represents a moment I cannot get back. A moment where I met a friend after so long and I was so happy to see her and to meet her husband. In fact, no photo I take now is ever going to be like the photos I take in the future, as every moment I am changing, every moment is leading me to another year with lots of changes and adjustments to be made. I can either spend, literally, spend my time in a full on mope, or I can see things for what they are, uncertain and thus just as worthy of making better because better is always there as well.

old is new again

What am I about right now? Of late I find that I have relaxed on some things that can take up a lot of mental fuel. In doing so I have noticed the vacated spot and find myself saying huh, what a lot of real estate that took up in my mind. Now that my focus has shifted, I don't feel as stressed. But what do I feel? A new city is building.A city of my own making built on the doubts I don't see, the insecurities I do and the perennial hope of forever until I am but a memory.

Looking at some old passports from 2015 to the present had me recalling ideas and looking at pictures of myself, my daughter and several friends. In so doing I actually realised that being critical about how you feel you look is a bit foolish because every year your a little bit older, so you shall always find that you didn't realise how much better you look than you thought. Lol. I think that the same can also be said for much of what you consider doing when you look at the context. You are always weighing the odds. I also find this year that I am super conscious about decisions and their outcome. I look at my island every day whether I walk a short distance of take transportation a long distance...the issues are the same, that of seeing a lot of abandoned buildings that once was a shiny new idea. I lament what looks like waste to me, as people need shelter and many of them should be re-purposed for that, but in so many instances the houses are abandoned over family disputes. I also think about how short time is. Death is always on my mind since the deaths of my auntie and my dad. But sometimes I can be less morbid about it. Sometimes I can be downright thankful for daily breath as opposed to the last one. It is the little things in the end. When I consider dad sitting looking out at the garden on those last days when he felt a bit better, I hope that he wasn't too alone or scared about the end. All of this effort is made to keep your head above water from year to year and you are always just guessing. What matters at the end of all of the effort being made? Your supposed to be smart if you got rich...but really define what wealth really is? Of course this is always answered one way until your facing huge money needs that come o so quickly so often for so many. That high horse humbles us all.

gentle conversation

This happened a few times this week. One of these was with my daughter who had made a mistake and when she told me about it she was defensive at first. She is used to that being the case with her father. Instead with me she was surprised when I discussed at a very level tone what did she learn from the situation. She bristled a bit as she feels that she has to do everything right. I let her know that I have made mistakes just like the one she did, and we worked it out. My own conversation, I already wrote about before...butI also am pleased that I do that now.It is as though I were talking to a loving friend. I am my loving friend.

Up and down and down and up again

Yesterday was one of those days. I have been working non stop, much of it on things that are not salaried. However, things that make money has helped me limp along. The price I pay for my type of working can many times feel like poverty. I am now finding it harder and harder to feel optimistic about trying to have savings and investments while living day to day. I went to bed and I got up with a lot of chatter. Most of it was about what I was feeling, and because I now know to be still in myself when my mood is like that, I took full advantage of what I knew would come. I listened to my train of thought, from, I cannot afford my life in this state...to feeling really happy for my cousin who is in Italy with his family. I was invited to join, but of course...that was not working out at all.How was I feeling now about that? Was I angry and deeply disturbed about the lack of money with that? Unexpectidly, because I have been here many times, what I observe now is much more expansive for me, and I am so grateful. Depending on one job does not provide me with a lifestyle of any kind. It begins to provide, but it is not consistant to being able to freely and comfortably plan anything. It is that that brought great dismay to me this time. I am wondering what I can do to bridge the financial gap while I continue to do my job, work on the symposium/exhibition with the ngo I am involved with...continue to write a book I have been putting together for three years unpaid and the exhibitions I have coming up....I would seriously desire a reprieve of cash that I would then put toward all of the things that need it...including investments. It is such a weird feeling to be standing between the problem and the solution. I wouldn't be bothered if money were cushioning me, and I worked toward it, but at this time nothing I literally banked on is coming forward to provide me with that comfort and I am daily hoping for the turn to come. That is what has caused the anxiety. However, because I cannot walk back in any direction, and I must keep going, my attitude is to stand in my experience and find the best of it to take me forward and I am doing that. I am trusting in the process with wobbly constitution, but I am standing here and walking anyway.