Up and down and down and up again

Yesterday was one of those days. I have been working non stop, much of it on things that are not salaried. However, things that make money has helped me limp along. The price I pay for my type of working can many times feel like poverty. I am now finding it harder and harder to feel optimistic about trying to have savings and investments while living day to day. I went to bed and I got up with a lot of chatter. Most of it was about what I was feeling, and because I now know to be still in myself when my mood is like that, I took full advantage of what I knew would come. I listened to my train of thought, from, I cannot afford my life in this state...to feeling really happy for my cousin who is in Italy with his family. I was invited to join, but of course...that was not working out at all.How was I feeling now about that? Was I angry and deeply disturbed about the lack of money with that? Unexpectidly, because I have been here many times, what I observe now is much more expansive for me, and I am so grateful. Depending on one job does not provide me with a lifestyle of any kind. It begins to provide, but it is not consistant to being able to freely and comfortably plan anything. It is that that brought great dismay to me this time. I am wondering what I can do to bridge the financial gap while I continue to do my job, work on the symposium/exhibition with the ngo I am involved with...continue to write a book I have been putting together for three years unpaid and the exhibitions I have coming up....I would seriously desire a reprieve of cash that I would then put toward all of the things that need it...including investments. It is such a weird feeling to be standing between the problem and the solution. I wouldn't be bothered if money were cushioning me, and I worked toward it, but at this time nothing I literally banked on is coming forward to provide me with that comfort and I am daily hoping for the turn to come. That is what has caused the anxiety. However, because I cannot walk back in any direction, and I must keep going, my attitude is to stand in my experience and find the best of it to take me forward and I am doing that. I am trusting in the process with wobbly constitution, but I am standing here and walking anyway.